


Holding Onto Your Heart: Bits and Pieces

by standoutinacrowd



Series: For We Have Made Mistakes [2]
Category: Carmilla (Web Series), Carmilla - All Media Types
Genre: Adult Life, Bits of Past Relationship, Divorced Hollstein, Domestic Shit aka Fluff. (Ew.), English Major Laura - Professor Hollis, F/F, Med Student Carmilla - Dr. Karnstein, OneShots set in the Universe of Holding Onto Your Heart, Slowly Gluing Them Back Together, This is getting gross., Whoever reads this is dumb. Hehe. No JK you are cool.
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-17
Updated: 2017-06-17
Packaged: 2018-08-22 23:23:47
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 20
Words: 47,584
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8305295
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/standoutinacrowd/pseuds/standoutinacrowd
Summary: Because I couldn't let go of a doctor Carmilla *ehem* and professor Hollis *double ehem*.And people asked me to write some 'deleted scenes' or scenes that weren't elaborated further in the main fic.This will live off your prompts and my wish to write some extra scenes that I may or may not have mentioned and want to share!Want me to write a scene? GO TO: MY TUMBLR





	1. First Encounter

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Please write how they met."

**Laura Hollis.** _English student._ Ninteen years old. Just turned nineteen actually.  
  
  
She was moving around her new dorm room, arranging the picture frames on her desk. Moving the only one of her mother with her that she owned to stand in the middle.  
  
  
Everything was about to change. Her life as she knew it was over. Papa Hollis wasn’t around anymore to baby her.  
Which she found really great, because he had his ways with shooing away potential long-term girlfriends.  
  
Not that he was against her preference for women.  
  
  
She’d always known.  
  
And he did too.  
  
  
  
_“Dad, I kind of am a lesbian.”_  
  
_“Thank god you finally said it!”_  
  
_“Wait what?”_  
  
_“I didn’t want to assume, but now I’m glad you clarified…”_  
  
_“Oh… So you’re totally okay with it?”_  
  
_“Yeah of course… But you know… You better find a girl that deserves you.”_  
  
  
  
Her new room was great.  
  
  
It was one of those dorms that were like little apartments that you shared with another student. There was a common room with a little dining table and an entertainment corner, a small kitchen, an even smaller bathroom and two bedrooms.  
  
Perfect for the start.  
  
  
Just when Laura was about to unpack box #7 that was labeled as **‘CLOTHES, WINTER’** , she heard a loud noise from outside of her room.  
  
  
The blonde stalked outside, ready to attack the intruder with a spatula she had grabbed from her desk, to find a gorgeous brunette standing in her kitchen and drinking from a ‘Soy Milk’ container.  
  
That girl was wearing some punk-y t-shirt that was ripped and was showing off way too much skin for Laura’s taste (on herself; she totally appreciated that view though) and leather pants with matching leather boots.  
  
  
“Uhm- Excuse me, but who the hell are you?”  
  
  
Punk rock girl regarded Laura with eye-contact and the blonde blushed, when the brunette smirked and tilted her head to check her out.  
  
  
_Keep it together, Hollis. Not everyone doing that is gay. Maybe she likes your keen fashion sense._  
  
  
“I’m your new roommate, sweetheart.”, the beautiful girl drawled seductively.  
  
Laura stopped daydreaming and furrowed her brows, “What? **No.** They told me I was moving in with a nerdy med student.”  
  
  
“ **Mhm** …”, that girl shrugged, and took yet another sip of ‘Soy Milk’. This time her upper lip got covered with that white substance, and she made it a show to lick it off slowly.  
  
The blonde cleared the throat, “Yeah- So why are _you_ here now? **Totally-Not-A-Carmilla-Karnstein**?”  
  
The intruder cocked an eyebrow, and _ohmigod_ Laura had a soft spot for those kinds of girls.  
  
Her father had a point, when he said Laura always brought home the _‘bad seeds’_.  
  
  
“Should I also assume that you are not **a Laura**?”  
  
Laura gestured with her hands (the spatula was still in the picture), “I **am** a Laura- I mean, _my name is Laura_ \- Wait, why do you know my name?”  
  
“Because…”, the brunette sauntered over to the small couch and laid down on it, boot-covered feet touching the pristine white fabric, “… Like I said, I’m your new roommate…”, she was biting the nail on her left thumb, before continuing, “ **Carmilla.** ”, she pointed to herself with the other hand that was not doing that-sexy-thing-with-her-nail.  
  
  
“You are Carmilla? Wait- **YOU** **are going to be a doctor???** ”  
  
  
Carmilla (apparently) sighed in frustration, “Yes, is there a problem with that?”  
  
“No- Not a problem at all! Nothing- That’s- That’s _totally_ cool! Yeah- I mean-”  
  
“Do you always talk like that? You’re supposed to be an English major. And it doesn’t seem to be your forte. Are you really Laura Hollis, or are you an impostor? Do I need to call the police?”  
  
  
“Ha. Ha. Funny. You are funny.”, Laura mumbled.  
  
The brunette was watching the other girl intently, “And _you_ at least are a cute one.”  
  
“ **Ohmigod.** I’m gonna go to my room now… And uhm… Welcome or something.”  
  
  
When Laura walked back to her own four walls, she heard her new fellow-inhabitant mutter _‘freshmen’_ to herself.  
  
  
_Ugh, this is going to be an interesting year._  
  
  
She had no idea, how right she was going to be about that.


	2. How To Ask Her Out

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "I want to know how they were before dating." feat. how Carmilla had to fight for Laura to say yes to a date.  
> (Mentioned briefly in a flashback in #1 - Lucky Jane Doe of Holding Onto Your Heart.)

Laura was in midst of reading _Shakespeare’s Macbeth_ for the third time in her life. There still were passages in it that she didn’t understand fully. She leaned back on the couch and blew out air. It was frustrating. School had been so much easier.  
  
Just in that moment her roommate walked into their shared living space with her own bulky pharmacology book. Carmilla sat down wordlessly beside Laura, who moved to the other side (even though that wasn’t necessary).  
  
Carmilla noticed, and moved closer to her roommate, who narrowed her eyes.  
  
  
“What do you think you are doing?”, the blonde asked with annoyance in her voice.  
  
“Studying.”, Carmilla replied in her monotonous voice. (She even managed to make that sound sexy.)  
  
“Why are you not in _your_ room?”  
  
The dark haired girl turned a page, “I could ask _you_ the same thing. Thought I’d be great company.”  
  
“You are the worst company! I can’t concentrate with your _stupid, annoying_ face bugging me.”  
  
  
The brunette turned her head to meet the blonde’s eyes. Carmilla only had a smirk to return. Suddenly she closed the book in her hands with a loud bang and turned her whole body to face Laura’s. The blonde was back at reading _Macbeth_ for her assignment, but she felt the dark eyes on her.  
  
  
“What are you doing, Carmilla?”  
  
“Go out with me.”  
  
“No.”  
  
“Oh c’mon. **One date.** What? Are you afraid you’re gonna fall in love with me?”  
  
  
“No is **no**. And by the fifth time you should get that into your head.”, Laura glanced to Carmilla, “And on the sidenote: You’re definitely **not** someone I’d fall for.”  
  
The brunette raised her eyebrows, “And why’s that?”  
  
“Carmilla… Girls like **you**? I know them far too well. I’ve dated them.”  
  
“Oh yeah? Then I should be just your type.”  
  
Laura rolled her eyes, “You’re _soooo_ infuriating.”  
  
  
*  
  
  
Laura walked out of her room, in her pajamas, looking like an exorcism was performed on her just a few minutes ago, to go to the bathroom.  
Carmilla passed her in a white lab coat, and flashed her a grin.  
  
  
“Mornin’”, she rasped.  
  
Laura caught sight of the clock hanging in their living space, “It’s **5am**.”  
  
“Not everyone has those lazy student hours, sweetheart. Some of us **do** need to get to the labs in the morning, _if they want to find them empty_ …”, the last part was meant for herself. Carmilla was about to pour some coffee into her thermos.  
  
“You woke up at this ungodly hour **voluntarily** , just to have the lab for yourself?”  
  
The brunette regarded her roommate with a look that said _‘of course’_ , and Laura shook her head with a, “You’re so weird.”  
  
  
“Weird as in _‘you’re weird, and I’d like to go on a date with you’_?”  
  
  
“I’m not going out with you, Carmilla.”  
  
  
*  
  
  
Laura was watching Carmilla from her position in the kitchen, while she was making breakfast for the two of them. The brunette was about to revise for some big exam. Carmilla was the opposite of everything she had thought her roommate to be.  
  
While Carmilla sometimes blasted her punk rock music after 10pm, she almost never was seen out partying. She definitely seemed to be into what she was doing. Medicine was _her_ field, and Laura didn’t understand how someone as smart as her wanted to go out with her.  
  
  
**Average Laura Hollis.**  
  
  
“Having fun staring at me?”, Carmilla asked with a wink, when Laura met her eyes.  
  
“I was **not** \- You know what? Forget it.”, the blonde sighed, as she handed the other girl a plate stacked with pancakes.  
  
“Sooo… If you were to say yes and go out with me… We could do _this_ outside… In a restaurant.”, the brunette prompted, as she gestured to the plates.  
  
Laura squinted and faked a smile, “But outside I **wouldn’t** be the one in charge of making the food, and you know, I couldn’t spit into your pancakes, if I wanted to. _Not that I did..._ ”  
  
She really didn’t. Which didn’t mean she hadn’t thought about it.  
  
Carmilla stared at her food for a second, before digging in, and laughing when catching Laura’s confused expression.  
  
“You thought that would turn me off? Oh cupcake, I’ve been thinking of swapping saliva with you for far too long.”  
  
“Only eight more months, Hollis. You can do that.”, Laura mumbled to herself with a sigh.  
  
  
*  
  
  
“Why won’t you go out with me?”  
  
“Why **do you** want to go out with me?”  
  
Carmilla shrugged, “Because I like you and I think you'd enjoy spending time with me.”  
  
“We spend enough time living together. No, seriously... Why do you want to go out with **me**? Aren’t there enough in your course that you can bug?”  
  
Carmilla shrugged, “Ah, there are _some_. But I don’t like going on dates with my exes usually. Plus they are _know-it-alls_.”  
  
“So what you’re saying is you’ve _‘tried’_ them all and now you wanna see how it is with someone below you?”  
  
“What?”, the brunette nudged Laura, “Do I come across as someone who thinks people are below them?”  
  
“Sometimes you play out the _‘I’m so much smarter than you’_ -card... Yeah…"  
  
“When did I do that?”  
  
The blonde groaned, but then had an example, “Remember last week when I had Kirsch over for a study session in English Lit. and you basically called him dumb, because he didn’t get Beowulf?”  
  
“Laura, that has nothing to do with me thinking I am smarter than him. It was me pointing out a fact.”  
  
“See? **That’s** exactly what I meant.”  
  
  
“Do you think I think you’re below me?”, Carmilla steered into another direction.  
  
Laura looked at Carmilla directly, “Would I be right?”  
  
“Uhm? **No!** ”  
  
“Then why would _you_ be interested in _me_ , Carmilla? You are smart. You are in your third year of medschool. You are not ugly or anything. I mean, is this some sort of game where you need to prove to yourself that you can get me? Do you want sex? If that’s it, then I have to disappoint you, because I don’t think being _roommates with benefits_ is a good idea.”  
  
“Who said anything about sex? I asked you out.”  
  
“And you don’t want the outcome to be sex? You are not doing that to get me into your bed?”  
  
Carmilla laughed out loud, “Not really, no.”  
  
“I don’t believe you- And hey! Why are you laughing? Did you never think about having- You know what, don’t answer **that**.”  
  
“Answer **what**?”, the brunette asked innocently.  
  
“Go back to studying for your exam, Carmilla.”  
  
“Is that still a no?”  
  
Laura crumbled up a piece of paper and threw it at her annoying roommate. However she could not keep herself from smiling, and neither could Carmilla.  
  
  
*  
  
  
“I hope this episode of Doctor Who is better than the last one.”  
  
“Why do you watch it with me, if you don’t enjoy it?”  
  
“Because I like eating unhealthy amounts of Chinese food with you. This could almost be called a-”  
  
Laura sighed, “Don’t you dare call it a date.”  
  
“ **Rendezvous.** I was gonna say rendezvous.”  
  
“You’re so, so annoying.”  
  
Carmilla clicked her tongue, “One of those days you’ll say yes.”  
  
“The probability of that is lower than some demigod trying to open the gates of hell.”  
  
“Have you been reading too many ancient mythologies again? That’s so sexy.”  
  
“You know what is **not**?”, Laura asked, “You thinking I will ever say yes. You’re embarrassing yourself.”  
  
  
At that the brunette pouted, and the blonde felt sorry.  
  
But it was just for a fleeting second, before she went back to finding her annoying again.  
  
  
*  
  
  
“You like watching chick-flicks, right?”, Carmilla asked while watching Laura study over her shoulder.  
  
“Not if it’s with you.”, the blonde replied, when turning a page in her notebook.  
  
“You know what? I think you’re scared. I think you’re scared that you might actually like going out with me and that would mean you’d have lost.”  
  
“Lost **what**?”, Laura’s interest had shifted. Nowadays she listened more closely to what Carmilla said to her.  
  
“Your self-control. Or your innate need to say no to me.”  
  
“And have you ever considered that **I’m just not that into you**?”  
  
Carmilla grinned, “Chick-flicks. You like them.”  
  
  
*  
  
  
“I know I’m your type.”, Carmilla walked through the door with groceries, her big scarf muffling her voice.  
  
Laura followed behind, with her own bags filled with supplies for the rest of the week, “Yeah? Good for you.”  
  
“Why won’t you just go out with me? **One time.** If you decide that it was a bad idea, I will _never_ bug you again. You won’t have to fear me having any expectations.”  
  
Laura placed her bags on the counter, unbuttoning her coat, “Yeah?”  
  
“Yeah, I mean, I’ll be just happy that you finally said yes.”  
  
“It's still a no, Carm.”  
  
“See solely for _that_ you should go out with me. We are at nicknames already.”  
  
Laura rolled her eyes at her roommates words, flipping her off, “Help me fill the cupboards, _Dr. Karnstein_.”, the blonde mocked.  
  
“See, _that’s_ a perk of being with me too. I’ll be a doctor. I’ll have money. I’m something for long-term.”  
  
“Oh yeah, _that’s_ how I pick out my potential partners. It’s about money. Also, did you seriously just hint at wanting a relationship with me?”, Laura scoffed.  
  
“Well ** _I_ ** pick my potential partners based on their level of cuteness. And you are just the cutest one I’ve ever met. Do you have problems with commitment?”  
  
“ **No.** I’m definitely **not** having trouble with commitment. I just don’t think we would make a good couple.”, Laura bunched up her face, “And also: Really? Cute?”  
  
“More like breathtakingly beautiful, but I can’t tell you such things before you go out with me.”, Carmilla remarked and vanished into her room, leaving Laura flustered.  
  
  
“Carmilla Karnstein, get back here and help me with the groceries!!!”  
  
  
*  
  
  
Laura was sitting at the dining table, not minding anything, when Carmilla walked in talking animatedly on the phone.  
  
“... you know what? I fucking **don’t** care what you think of **my** choice, but I’m **not** gonna be a fucking plastic surgeon, just because you want me to take over the practice some day! So no, thank you, I will **not** go to the plastics seminar in May! Good bye, mother!"  
  
The brunette groaned after hanging up and throwing her phone on the counter of the kitchen.  
  
“Woah there…"  
  
“ **What?!** ”, Carmilla snapped and immediately felt sorry, “Sorry, I’m just pissed.”  
  
“I figured... What was that? Not living up to expectations?”  
  
  
“Did you ever feel like there was someone who planned out your life for you? And you have no say in it?”  
  
“No.”  
  
“See, it was for me. For _all of us_ actually. My father was a lawyer, so Mattie and William followed _his_ path. Where I’m from, my mother is a hot-shot plastic surgeon and now _she_ expects me to follow _her_ path. God forbid, _Carmilla could be into anything else than what brings in the most money_. I hate this. That exactly is the reason for why I rather took up a student loan than to ever beg Maman for money.”  
  
Laura had listened intently. Carmilla never seemed to have so many problems at home. She always had been quiet about her life at home. Laura barely knew she had siblings. She just knew of the existence of a brother and a sister. Now there were names. And the blonde was fascinated. How prejudiced people (or herself) sometimes could be. She had thought Carmilla was living the perfect life, she had thought that she wanted all of that.  
  
  
“Do you not want to become a doctor?”, the English major suddenly wanted to know.  
  
Carmilla shook her head, “Of course I wanna become one. It’s been my dream ever since I went to the day care in the hospital with my mother, back when she was still working there. I loved the smell, I loved the sterile-ness of that place. I just-”, she caught her roommate staring at her, “I’m sorry. It must sound so stupid to you.”  
  
Laura smiled and shook her head, “No, no, no. It’s so refreshing to see you passionate about something. I didn’t know you could be like this- I mean you study a lot and stuff, but it’s different when someone talks about their dream.”  
  
Carmilla pursed her lips and nodded, already sinking into her thoughts. She sat down opposite to Laura on the dining table, propping up her head on her arm and staring into the distance.  
  
Laura looked at the other girl. Like really looked. She took in her profile, her whole being. Of course she’d always found her attractive, but now she was seeing everything underneath.  
  
And it made her so much more beautiful.  
  
  
“Hey Carm?”  
  
“Yeah?”  
  
“Do you want some of my cocoa? I know you don’t drink it too warm…", the blonde offered her tardis mug.  
  
Carmilla took it, sipping on the not-so-hot chocolate, “See, _this_ would have been so romantic, if that happened on a date and-”  
  
Laura was quick in interjecting, “ **Don’t.** Don’t ask me now.”  
  
They both shared a look. Secret conversation. And Carmilla nodded.  
  
“Not now then.”  
  
  
*  
  
  
“Make it 55.”, Carmilla handed over a $100 bill to the cashier and Laura groaned at that.  
  
“Carmilla. I _can_ pay for myself.”  
  
“I know you can. But that’s just me being a gentlewoman.”  
  
“So are you saying I can’t be chivalrous and pay for you for once?”, the English student teased.  
  
“That would actually require you to wanting to pay for me.”  
  
“I am offended.”, Laura gasped.  
  
“No, you’re **not**. You’re getting free food out of this. But if **_I_** don’t get something out of this soon…”  
  
Laura stilled, somehow her heart was beating faster (it did that regularly, whenever Carmilla was around recently), “Then **what**?”  
  
The blonde was bracing herself. For what, she didn’t know.  
  
“Then I’ll end up as a sad, lone spinster.”, Carmilla put a hand on her chest, probably mocking herself.  
  
“Dramatic much?”  
  
“Whatever shall I do to conquer thy heart, m’lady?”  
  
“You’re a medical student. Stick to your Latin and Greek, Carmilla.”, Laura rolled her eyes.  
  
“Maybe I need to step up my game... Say... Do you like flowers?”  
  
“I do-”  
  
“Because I like red roses. And those are pretty easy. Because almost every woman on earth likes red roses. And those who don’t, have a specific taste in flowers.”  
  
“Daisies.”, Laura whispered, before skipping ahead.  
  
  
“Daisies. Of course. The symbol of new beginnings.”, Carmilla whispered to herself, as she caught up with her roommate.  
  
  
*  
  
  
Laura was in the quad, making the most of the last rays of sunshine, when her roommate approached her with her left hand hiding behind her back.  
  
“Why are you at my faculty?”  
  
“Hello to you too. I didn’t see you all day yesterday and today, so I thought…”  
  
Carmilla sat down, careful not to spoil anything she had planned.  
  
“You thought _what_?”  
  
Suddenly the brunette was holding out a single lawn daisy for Laura to take.  
  
  
“For you.”  
  
“A daisy.”, the English major chuckled.  
  
“I walked around my whole fucking department to find one of those, until I wanted to come here empty-handed and then found a meadow full of them.”  
  
“So this isn’t special.”, Laura joked.  
  
“I’d handpick every single one for you. But then I thought that that would backfire, because you love nature so much…”, Carmilla actually managed to blush, but played it off quickly, “Anyway… Do you want to-”  
  
“Yes.”  
  
“- Go out with me now?”  
  
“ **Yes.** ”  
  
  
Carmilla’s eyes snapped to Laura’s mouth, surprise evident in her voice and expression, “Say that again?”  
  
“Yes. I’ll go out with you.”


	3. Perks of Dating a Future Doctor

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "I'd love to see the first time Carmilla took care of Laura in a medical way like that flashback she stitched her."

When Carmilla came back from classes and found Laura wrapped in a blanket with tissue papers littering their floor and the TV turned on, she grew suspicious.  
  
  
“Sweetheart, did your cold get worse?”  
  
Laura wasn’t responding, so Carmilla made her way to the sick girl and touched her forehead with the back of her hand.  
  
  
The blonde stirred a bit and whimpered, “Carm?”  
  
“You’re hot.”  
  
“I’m really _not_ in the mood.”  
  
Carmilla chuckled, “I meant your body temperature.”  
  
Laura grinned goofily, eyes still closed -probably because opening them was hard anyway.  
  
  
“Have you been home all day?”  
  
“Yeah I couldn’t really go to class.”, the English major coughed and sniffed and the brunette wanted to wrap her up in a hug and never let go, because she was being so cute that way.  
  
However Carmilla also knew that she had to take care of a few things first.  
  
For instance the fort of used tissue papers around Laura had to go. Carmilla collected them and threw them into a bin that she placed in near vicinity to where Laura was lying.  
  
  
“Here take _this_. This should make sure that the symptoms of your rhinitis don’t hinder your sleep.”, Carmilla gave Laura a glass of water and was holding out a pill for her to take.  
  
“What is this?”, the blonde asked, as she tried to sit up and frowned.  
  
“Don’t you trust me?”  
  
“No- **I do** … It’s just- My dad’s not a fan of me taking pills, especially when I don’t know what’s in them.”  
  
“This tablet contains pseudoephedrine in its core, which basically is a sympathomimetic and it’s supposed to release the symptoms of a typical cold. Its coating is loratadine, which on the other hand is a H1 antagonist-”  
  
“Okay, okay as sexy as this medical talk sounds, my head’s spinning... **Stop**.”, Laura gestured to the other girl, taking the pill, “I believe you won’t kill me.”  
  
“Attagirl.”  
  
  
  
“Why didn’t you call me?”, the doctor to-be asked, while driving her hand through Laura’s hair lovingly. They were curled up on the couch.  
  
Laura was sweating profusely and it was actually worrying Carmilla a bit.  
  
“Because you’re in medschool and you’re busy as it is. I didn’t want to bother you with something like this.”  
  
“Laura- _You’re my girlfriend_. **Of course** I would have ditched Physiology for you.”  
  
The blonde’s eyes opened in an instant, they were puffy and red, but still she couldn’t hide the shock.  
  
  
“Did you just say **girlfriend**?”  
  
  
Carmilla shrugged, “Yeah, what else do you call what we’re doing here? We make out a lot for us not to be together, don’t you think?”  
  
“Uhm-”, suddenly Laura was sitting up more, so that she could be looking at Carmilla better, “I don’t know- I just… I mean- We’re dating?”  
  
Carmilla quirked up an eyebrow, insecurity bubbling up, “Are we **not**?”  
  
Laura was quick in reaching out her hand to touch Carmilla’s, “NO! I mean, **yes**! I’d really like to be your girlfriend.”, she admitted sheepishly.  
  
  
The brunette couldn’t help it, she reached forwards and kissed a snotty-faced Laura.  
  
  
And it didn’t matter.  
  
  
“You’re gonna be sick.”, Laura said, but still went in for another kiss.  
  
  
“It will be worth it.”


	4. Setting You Free...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "I'm probably gonna get lynched for this but maybe an AU on them not working out?"  
> "I don't want them together [...] we know they still love each other [...] but I can't."  
> "What about what happens after Laura says she's still in love with Carm?"  
> "Does she jump back in or is she cautious?"  
> "We need to know what happened!"  
> And so many more...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Set right after #7 Course of Time of Holding Onto Your Heart.
> 
> There have been too many people not wanting them together.  
> But however you should still read this if you do want them together.  
> Because I am writing the alternate ending based on what happened in this.
> 
> Those who want them separated: Take this as an epilogue and as your bittersweet ending.  
> Hollstein-AF-people: Take this as an 'angsty' one-shot that happens before the reconciliation.
> 
> X

_“I think I’m still in love with you.”_  
  
  
You stop mid-chewing, looking up at her.  
  
  
Laura is awaiting your answer. But you don’t have _the right one_ for her.  
  
  
You have thought about this a lot. About how it would be, if she were to come back. If Laura would love you again, the way you always did.  
  
Even after the divorce.  
  
The way you do (?) If the moment would come, when Laura finally realized that she was wrong in leaving you.  
  
  
**Except.**  
  
It’s really bittersweet.  
  
And you really hate her hopeful face.  
  
  
You love Laura. You really do. From the bottom of your heart.  
  
But not like _that_. Not anymore. You love her, because she has been such a significant part of your life for a long time.  
  
You are within her and she is within you.  
  
And because you learned to love and accept everything about _yourself_ in the last few years, you also have to love **her**. Because she is a part of **you**.  
  
  
Because she is within you.  
  
But you can’t love her like that.  
  
You can’t give her what she wants.  
  
  
Because you started to love yourself. Despite the regret you feel towards all that happened, you also know how much you have grown.  
  
And you love yourself for that.  
  
  
But she doesn’t. You think Laura doesn’t love herself yet. She wouldn’t be ready. Possibly she never will.  
Because if she loved herself enough, she wouldn’t say that to you.  
  
If she loved herself enough, she wouldn’t _still_ be in love with you. Because she said she was **still** in love with you.  
And still means it has connection to the past. And your past you and her don’t fit.  
  
Maybe in university you were a perfect couple. Maybe before you started your residency you were a dream team.  
  
But after you weren’t anymore.  
  
It wasn’t particularly anyone’s fault. You get her. Sometimes you understand her side more than you do yours.  
  
Laura wanted **you**. And _you_ wanted success **and** a Laura that would bend her needs for yours. You should not have asked that of her. Not after you promised to be there for her.  
  
It’s almost six years after the divorce and you still feel the sting. The past is still a burning sensation in the back of your mind.  
  
  
And you love yourself now.  
  
So you _don’t_ jump into the raging fire.  
  
Even if Laura would be the igniting match stick.  
  
  
So you simply gaze at her, and swallow.  
  
  
Her trepidation settles in your chest.   Your hesitation switches over to her body.  
  
Because she is within you. And you are within her.  
  
  
  
But it’s not a love like that anymore.  
  
And you need to tell her.  
  
That she is free.  
  
  
  
“I love you too.”  
  
  
Is what you say at first.  
  
And you hate her hopeful face.  
  
As much as you love her. Your Laura.  
  
  
The air you release after your revelation, and the way your expression turns more sinister lets her know.  
  
  
Because she knows you like the back of her hand.  
  
She is within you, just like you are within her.  
  
  
“We’ve been in each others lives for so long. And even with five years of not speaking to you at all, I know that we’re still intertwined. And it’s strange, because we’re so different now. We may be more grown up now. We may be more understanding. I may be more willing. You may be more accepting. But nothing will make me forget. Even if the love you think you have for me blinds you right now. I will remember for the two of us how toxic we were for each other. You divorced me for a reason. And I don’t think you’re completely over that. And Laura, don’t get this the wrong way… I **do** love you. And that’s why I’m telling you. Not like this. And I frankly don’t think ever again. Especially not because now you only remember the good times we had. And also not because you now finally can believe that I truly did love you. Not because of the wrong reasons. Never because of the wrong reasons, and yours right now seem to me like the wrong ones. You’re lonely and I’m the convenient choice. This is not reason enough. I’m sorry. But this is me saying you shouldn’t. I can’t be that for you anymore.”  
  
  
She smiles.  
  
You think she misunderstood.  
  
Except she is within you and you are within her.  
  
  
So of course she got what you meant. Of course she realizes that this was you breaking her heart. Shattering something that already was broken.  
  
But she promised that it was mended. But you saw that it was not.  
  
So you broke it again. So she can heal properly. So she can finally get it fixed the right way. So she can pick herself up.  
  
  
Because Laura still doesn’t love herself. And you need her to.  
  
  
Because _you_ are within her.  
  
And if she doesn’t love herself the right way.  
  
She also never could love you the way you would need her to.

 

And you don’t even know if you would ever risk your heart for her again.

  
  
So you watch her smile and put on a mask for you.  
  
You ignore Laura’s tears, just like she is.  
  
And you resume to eating.  
  
  
“I think you should throw out the couch.”, she says around a forced smile, while gesturing to the thing that she herself picked out, “It’s hideous.”  
  
  
And you know that she understands.

Because she is within you, but more importantly: **Because you are within her.**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a short thought process on Carmilla's side.


	5. A Lot of Firsts

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Tell me you will give us the details about their first kiss and sex please."  
> "I AM PROMPTING THEIR FIRST DATE. I WANNA SEE THAT SHIT."  
> "First date." - And some more. So I decided to deliver.  
> (Mentioned briefly in a flashback in #1 - Lucky Jane Doe of Holding Onto Your Heart.)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Set after "How To Ask Her Out", definitely before "Perks of Dating a Future Doctor".  
> 

“Are you going to bail on me again? Because if you only said yes to a date because you were planning on ditching me anyway-”  
  
“ **No! No! No!** Carm, _I swear_ this time I’ll show up and not cancel last minute! Just... We need to meet at the restaurant. And I might be ten minutes late.”, Laura sounded out of breath and really apologetic over the phone. Carmilla was pleased that Laura at least felt bad about it.  
  
“But you’ll come?”, the med student asked for certainty.  
  
“Yes. Our date is on.”, her roommate confirmed.  
  
“Excellent.”  
  
“I’ll uhm... See you later.”  
  
“I do hope so for you.”, Carmilla chuckled before hanging up.

 

* * *

  
  
The dark haired girl was already seated and every ten seconds her gaze wandered to the door.  
  
She was growing impatient.  
  
Just as she was about to text her, Laura did decide to finally show up.  
  
  
“I am so, so, sorry!”, she said while sitting down clumsily and immediately started to list off the things she had to do before she was able to come over.  
  
Carmilla placed a hand on the other girl’s, trying to calm her.  
  
  
“It’s okay. Now you’re here.”  
  
They shared a look, Laura’s franticness subsided and it was replaced with nervousness. Which wasn’t that much better, really.  
  
  
  
At some point Laura noticed Carmilla staring at her adoringly (she of course put it off as the **not-so-annoying-as-usual-face** ).  
  
“What?”  
  
“I’m glad you finally decided to say yes to getting dinner with me.”, the doctor to-be stated.  
  
Laura let the words sound again in her head. She was glad too, to be honest, but she couldn’t help herself, “I was thinking, and came to the conclusion that it is not very wise to say no to a free meal.”  
  
The dark haired girl leaned forwards, narrowing her eyes, “I always pay for our food, whenever it’s just you and me. Pick a better explanation for being here, Hollis.”  
  
Carmilla then twirled the wine in her glass with a swift movement and took a sip. Her lips were stained and the contrast between her marble-esque skin and the now reddish lips was too visible. Laura’s crush on her possibly increased at that.  _Oh yes_ , denial wasn’t working for her anymore ever since that late October day, when Carmilla showed up with a lawn daisy.  
  
  
_What a fucking romantic softie._ Laura couldn’t believe it. She had to say yes. Who wouldn’t?  
  
  
Laura acted like she was coming up with a reason, but then leaned back in her chair. A smug look taking over her face. She really couldn’t help herself.  
  
“Maybe I’m enjoying a night in which it is not your agenda to antagonize me, but to please me, Carmilla.”, there was a dangerous glint in the way she looked at the med student.  
  
Carmilla’s face broke into a smile and she let out a delightful laugh, “Oh, I will do _whatever_ you like to please you, sweetheart.”  
  
  It wasn’t meant to be an innuendo, but…  
  
“I’m sure you will.”, Laura replied with similar joy -and something unsaid- and resumed to eating.  
  
The brunette was left flabbergasted. There definitely was a lot she didn’t know about Laura. But she’d always known that there was simply _something_ about her. Something about the blonde drew her in and it didn’t let her rest until she could peel back layer after layer, analyzing her whole being.  
  
  
Tonight was the night to do just that.  
  
  
Analyze.  
  
Overthink.  
  
And wonder.

 

* * *

  
  
They walked the few steps from the cab to their dorm in silence, Carmilla had her hands stuffed into her coat and Laura was fidgeting with hers in front of her stomach.  
  
  
“Was the date as horrible as you painted it out to be?”  
  
Carmilla’s way to ask if her roommate had enjoyed the time.  
  
“It wasn’t. The _company_ on the other hand…”, Laura had to be snarky to avoid admitting to actually having enjoyed the date. She unlocked their front door.  
  
Carmilla stood outside, an angelic look on her face. Waiting. For something.  
  
But then she changed her mind and walked in, locking the door behind her and getting rid of her shoes, just like Laura was.  
  
  
“Thanks for going out with me. And I’m sorry if you didn’t feel like-”, Laura found a great way to interrupt.  
  
She just kissed her. Hands on her face, force in her lips, kissed her.  
  
And it wasn’t like other times Carmilla kissed someone for the first time. It wasn’t out of boredom, or because she was drunk.  
  
It was the surprise in Laura’s action that made it memorable. Or _the way_ she was kissing her. **Perfectly**.  
  
  
“Carm…?”, Laura said after breaking apart.  
  
“Hmn?”, the brunette slowly let her hands touch Laura’s waist (who still wasn’t backing away) -clearly Carmilla was not recovered yet from what just had happened.  
  
Laura wanted to say something, but decided against it, as she leaned in again.  
  
  
And they kissed some more.  
  
This time Carmilla registered and reciprocated properly. Her fingers were digging into Laura’s back, her neck, her shoulder blades. She had to touch and make sure it was real. In class she always learned about how important evidence-based methods were. So she needed the evidence, because it was the way she thought.

 

Laura hummed approvingly and walked backwards and in direction of her bedroom.  
  
  
When they entered the room, Carmilla finally noticed what they were doing. More like what **she** was doing.  
  
Because so far Laura's lips and tongue were distracting her big time.  
  
Now the English major was busy sucking hickeys onto her neck and Carmilla didn’t know how to proceed.  
  
  
“Laura?”  
  
The blonde stilled, “Yeah?”  
  
“You sure about **this**? Because I was being serious when I said that I wasn’t expecting sex to be the outcome of our date.”  
  
Laura pulled back, so that she was able to look Carmilla in the eyes. A little smile was tugging on her lips.  
  
  
“Are you always this noble?”  
  
“What?”  
  
“‘Cause god, I was wrong. You’re **nothing** like the girls I’ve dated.”, the blonde chuckled.  
  
Carmilla still didn’t understand. But Laura **didn’t** need her to. **She knew**. And that was enough. **She** saw her fully.  
  
The English student drew her back in for another kiss, simultaneously trying to get her roommate to take off her jacket.  
  
It landed on the floor with a soft thud.  
  
  
“Laura…”, Carmilla tried again, but she didn’t have it in her heart to stop what was going on. Not when Laura was _this good_ with her hot mouth against her throat.  
  
And not when Carmilla’s hands had their own mind and already were underneath Laura’s shirt…

 

* * *

  
  
“Wow.”, Laura let out rather breathlessly after her roommate collapsed on top of her. With her dark hair splaying on the blonde’s chest, tickling her a little.  
  
“I’m impressed by your stamina.”, Carmilla said before placing a long, lingering kiss right underneath Laura’s left breast.  
  
The brunette braced herself on her arms, looking down, trying to memorize everything, because who knew, if she was dreaming. If this was just an imagination. Because if it was, she totally needed to read some more on EEGs and MRIs of the brain.   
  
  
Because **never** in a hundred daydreams would Carmilla have thought...  
  
  
“You have low body fat.”, Carmilla remarked, dragging her fingertips over the other girl’s taut muscles on her stomach.  
  
Laura snorted out a laugh, “ **What?** ”  
  
“Your abs... I mean it’s one thing to be thin, but… Usually it’s not common for women to have defined muscles like you do.”  
  
“I used to work out before college life swallowed me and… Okay- Sleeping with a medical student is really great for ones ego, apparently.”  
  
Carmilla hummed and moved to kiss another part of Laura’s body. She just couldn’t get enough.  
  
  
“I don’t know about you, but I’m really tired Carm.”, the English student yawned and finally Carmilla laid down next to her, with her hand dragging over the freckles on her stomach.  
  
“We should go to sleep.”, the brunette whispered and kissed Laura once again, before she turned around and Carmilla held her from behind.  
  
  
Laura found her roommate’s hand and intertwined their fingers.  
  
  
“I really, really enjoyed the night with you.”  
  
“ **Only the night?** ”, Carmilla said with a hint of amusement in her voice.  
  
Laura elbowed her softly, “You know what I meant.”  
  
  
“Me too.”  
  
  
Laura smiled to herself, when closing her eyes and playing back the time she spent with Carmilla.  
  
The light conversations, the flirting -the **heavy** flirting-, Carmilla being her gentlewoman self and... The sex.  
  
  
And really, it didn’t help to deny it anymore. Laura was slowly falling in love with Carmilla.  
  
It had crept into her heart without her even noticing. And it was meant to stay there for a while.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And now onto other things that most will probably not read:
> 
> I wanted to tell you that I'm really very thankful for each one of you who stops by my tumblr or leaves me a comment here. Not only because all of them contain ego-boosting things, but also because it gets me to think about things in a new perspective, or take on new view points. And look, I just wanted to tell each and every one of you who reads through this: You're actually pretty cool, y'know? - S.


	6. ... Getting You Back

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "I want Laura to woo Carm more..."  
> "Ok now write one where it's all a happy ending yay!"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Set after "Setting You Free..."

You have known Carmilla for a long time.  
  
It’s like she says it. You are intertwined. There’s too much history.  
  
And you’d like to think that that kind of thing doesn’t just go away all at once. **Not ever.**  
  
At least that’s what you tell yourself, because you can’t let her slip through the cracks again. Not like this.  
  
  
Not without good reason.  
  
Not unless she tells you she doesn’t love you anymore.  
  
  
Carmilla said you both probably can’t be together anymore. That she doesn’t believe in it anymore.  
That she doesn’t think you two are good together. That she thinks it’s better to let the past rest.  
  
  
But you **can’t**. And she’s actually supposed to know. Because she knows you like no one else ever will.  
  
You respect her wish for now though, because you know that she needs it.  
  
  
And you need it too. **The intermezzo**. The prelude to something new.  
  
Maybe. It’s odd that just a few months ago you told your dad he was being a complete fool.  
  
For ever believing that it would be this way again. That the day would come. That you’d feel ready again.  
  
  
It’s not exactly that, to be honest. You don’t feel completely ready. You are terrified. Every second you spent with her in the last couple of months you were absolutely scared of what it all could mean. You were cautious of your heart. Because she has the capability to destroy you. She alone has it. Carmilla, and no one else.  
  
And it’s paradox that you are the moth to her flame. But that’s just how the metaphor works. That’s the thing. She’s your kryptonite. The thing making you weak. And you don’t think there is anything on this world more beautiful than her.  
  
  
Carmilla is sort of right about you only thinking about the good days you had with her. Of course there are plenty, and yeah you initially think about them.  
  
Of course you think about how patient she had been when asking you to go out with her, before you both even knew how big of a role the other was going to play in your lives. Of course you think about how she stayed up for you, whenever you had evening classes, even though she had to wake up early. Of course you remember her crying on your wedding day, when you walked down the aisle. You remember all of that.  
  
However, she is still wrong about you not thinking of the horrible days you had with her.  
  
You know that they existed. Oh, you know far too well, how screwed up everything was. You still feel the pain, whenever you think about it too much.  
  
  
**But.**  
  
And it is a very big ‘but’.  
  
You’d have it all again, just to be where you are now.  
  
  
Because you both have grown. You have changed. Carmilla maybe even more than you have.  
  
What she said about her being the convenient choice is probably true too, but not in the sense she might think. She’s the convenient choice, because you’ve been in love with her for so long that you don’t remember not being in love with her. You don’t remember not knowing of her existence. You don’t remember how life was without her. Even though you’ve lived it for five whole years. Even though you’ve tried to date other people after your divorce. You could never go back to that Laura that existed without Carmilla.  
  
Because she has you in her grasp, she has your heart, and she will hold onto that.  
  
Until she decides to let you go. And she thinks she did, but she actually didn’t.  
  
  
Because even as she was telling you she couldn’t do it, she told you that she loved you.  
  
It was cruel, and wrong, and all kinds of beautiful. It was simply Carmilla.  
  
The love of your life. And damn right you’re gonna fight.  
  
So you just smiled, and didn’t say a thing.  
  
Because Carmilla needs time.  
  
And you give her that.  


* * *

  
  
You don’t call her. You don’t text her. You don’t see her for forty-six days.  
  
Until she shows up at your apartment on day forty-seven, just when you were about to grade papers.  
  
  
“Hey.”, she says a little breathlessly, and you reply with something similar.  
  
You offer her to come in, and she really does.  
  
You can be patient. You can be still. You can be whatever she wants.  
  
Carmilla looks around your place, as if she never has been there.  
  
  
“Did you want to come sit? Or do you want to stand there all day?”, you say around a smile as you gesture towards your couch.  
  
“Oh. Yes. I- Actually I came by to ask you something.”  
  
You regard her with all your attention, as she slowly makes her way to sit down. You follow her suit, moving aside the papers of your students.  
  
  
“Were you busy? I can come back-”  
  
“You drove all the way here, Carm. I’m not gonna send you away. If you have something to say, say it. My work’s still gonna be there, when you’re gone.”  
  
Carmilla nods, before shifting a bit, and then looks at you directly.  
  
  
“Are you avoiding me?”  
  
You frown, because **god** , she has absolutely no idea, “Why would you think that?”  
  
“Because ever since _that talk_ we had, you haven’t tried to- Sorry this is stupid.”  
  
“This **isn’t** stupid. But you know… _You_ could have contacted _me_ too.”  
  
Carmilla’s eyes grow wide, when you call her out on her action.  
  
“But I thought…”  
  
  
“You thought **what**?”, you want to know.  
  
Because you don’t know what she thinks anymore. She’s become unpredictable. Not in a bad way. Just different. And new. And exciting. And terrifying.  
  
  
“I thought you’d need space.”, she mutters.  
  
  
And it is so, so clear: **That’s** the woman you fell in love with.  
  
There are actually a lot of reasons for why you fell in love with her back then.  
  
A thick silence follows her words, and you don’t want her to feel uncomfortable around you.  
  
  
“No, you _decided_ that. _ **I** _ had every right to think that you needed space. I respected your opinion, and I gave you the time to think. I didn’t need time, Carmilla.”  
  
“The time to think?”, she asks you. Growing more and more confused about each word you utter.  
  
And you get it. Because it kind of is your intention. To get something out of her.  
  
  
“About what you said to me. About what it meant. Because I don’t agree with you. And I sure as hell am not gonna let you dictate what I’m ought to feel and not. Because the factor remains that **I love you** , and I’m not going to stop, unless you specifically tell me there is no hope. Unless you specifically tell me that you don’t want me to hope, unless you specifically tell me that you don’t love me anymore.”  
  
Carmilla is taken aback. She hadn’t expected that, and you take great pride in that. Because you too can be unpredictable.  
  
  
“But you- Laura this isn’t going to work that way. You can’t just say that to me and expect me to- What do you expect from me?”  
  
It’s simple. You understand her.  
  
“Nothing. I’m not expecting _anything_ from you, except you respecting my feelings. It’s all I ever wanted. This hasn’t changed, and it never will. I want you to acknowledge it, even though it’s hard.”  
  
“But this isn’t gonna work. We’re in different places. You’re just still living in the past.”, she’s still adamant about that.  
  
And you get a little angry at her for that. Because she still tries so hard to defy anything you say. Now differently than six years ago, but still.  
  
  
“Out of the two of us, **you** are the one talking about the past every chance you get, don’t you see it? Everything **I** say gets denied with something from the past. You talk about how our past mistakes should still be present in the back of our heads. That I forgot how horrible everything was. How you don’t think I’m over you, but have you possibly thought about the fact that I don’t want the past to define us? Have you not listened to me, when I said I wanted a clean slate?”  
  
“But what if I don’t want it? What if I can’t have you back in my life like that?”  
  
It hurts, but you’re not going to give up like that. Even though she might want you to. Even though she is hoping just for that. Because it’s so much easier than to jump into the cold water. It’s so much easier than taking the risk. It’s less painful for her to not have you at all, than having to fear for what it could mean. And it sort of breaks your heart, just as it spurs you on.  
  
“Are you not realizing that **you’re** here, even though you don’t need to be? You could have just gone on in your life. A life without me in it. I haven’t contacted you in one and a half month. You could have just gone back to how it was before. But you decided to drop by, _because you wanted to see me_. There has to be something, Carmilla.”  
  
You’re surprised by your own bluntness.  
  
  
“I don’t want you to be in love with me, just because I’m this huge part of you. I don’t want you to love me, because of the nostalgic feeling you get, whenever you see me.”  
  
  
And you know exactly where she’s coming from.  
  
She wants you to love her for what she is, and you have to smile.  
  
  
“What?”, Carmilla raises an eyebrow, and yeah, this is another one of _the reasons_.  
  
“When I said I’m still in love with you, it didn’t mean that just because you were in my life again, I had this discursion into the past. It means that I still -even after all these years- think that you’re the right one. I think you could be. And I think that everything happened for a reason.”  
  
  
She raises her head to meet your gaze again.  
  
A long, and thick silence follows your words, and you observe her meticulously.  
  
  
“I need to think about it. This is all a bit too heavy right now.”  
  
You don’t know what you expected, but you’re really surprised by that outcome.  
  
“Of course. Take all the time you need. For all I know, I’m not going away or anything.”, you shrug.

 

* * *

  
  
Carmilla gets promoted some weeks after that talk.  
  
Finally after seven years of hard work, she is one of the two assistant medical directors of her department, and you tell her how proud you are of her over the phone.  
  
When she calls you to let you know, you feel your heart swell up, because she thought of telling **you**.  
  
  
For that you send her a bouquet of red roses. This time though you send her a note saying they are from you.  
  
  
Carmilla calls you a second time that week to tell you that it wasn’t necessary, but you know how she secretly loves it.    
  
And you don’t stop smiling for the rest of the afternoon, which you spend in a lecture hall.

 

* * *

  
  
Your dad calls you to tell you that he is going out with Carmilla to celebrate her new position and asks you to tag along. You decline, because you have a lot of tests to correct. It’s shortly after the midterms and you’re flooded, even though you are currently on semester break.  
  
It’s nice to hear that she still is in contact with him though, and you think that it’s good that you are not there to disturb their alone time.  
  
  
Carmilla tells you the opposite, when she calls you on that evening saying she was a little disappointed that you weren’t there.  
  
  
“Did you want me to be there?”, you ask her. Because it wasn’t so clear for you.  
  
“Of course I wanted you to be there. I thought you would come.”  
  
“Why?”  
  
It’s a simple question, and you know that that three-lettered word is heavy on her mind.  
  
  
“Because you are important, Laura. I would have loved to celebrate with **you**.”  
  
Carmilla’s answer is as heavy as the question you asked her and you have to smile.  
  
  
“I’m sorry. Next time I’ll be there.”, you manage to come off casual.  
  
“The next time I get promoted? I don’t think that will happen so soon. I can’t really get any higher.”  
  
  
“Tell you what, I’ll take you out. To honor your success. My treat. Next week?”  
  
  
And you know how that sounds. And apparently she does too.  
  
  
“You mean, as in _on a date_?”  
  
  
“No. I mean- Except you want it to be. I actually meant just as friends.”  
  
  
“I think that can be arranged. I have off on Thursday.”  
  
  
“Lunch on Thursday then.”, you nod as you say that, even though she can’t see you.  
  
  
“I’m looking forward to it.”

 

* * *

  
  
You get her a single rose, because Carmilla is into those cheesy gestures.

And you know how she secretly melts, when you hand it over to her with a hug and a kiss placed close to the corner of her mouth.  
  
  
“You know… You are much more romantic _now_ , than you were when we started dating.”, she remarks and you laugh at her.  
  
“Maybe back then you just were too easy. I didn’t really have to do anything. You were low maintenance.”  
  
  
Carmilla feigns a gasp, and the _‘Professor Hollis!’_ she lets out is met with an unimpressed look from you.  
  
  
And it’s so light, and so easy, and you fall into the old habits much too soon.  
  
Like brushing hair off her face, when she’s standing at the street crossing, looking at the signs for far too long. Or when the waiter comes to get your order and you know exactly which wine to pick. Even after all those years.  
  
  
It’s those small things. It’s just like riding a bike.  
  
  
  
“Thank you.”, she says, after you pay and you both make your way out of the stuffed restaurant (you wanted to take her somewhere special, and made reservations at some fancy new place that is known to be packed at lunch time).  
  
“Of course. You deserve it. You deserve everything you have in your life, Carmilla. You earned it.”  
  
  
She stops walking and you look back and reach out your hand, to signalize her that she has to hurry for you two to get over the street while the lamp’s still on green, but she holds you back.  
  
  
And you know.  
  
That she doesn’t want you to walk ahead.  
  
You know in the way she holds onto your hand, and doesn’t let go.  
  
  
Because one moment you’re contemplating on that, and the next she is in your space and presses her lips to yours.  
  
And yeah, it’s like coming home again. Warm and soft, and all kinds of wonderful the way she claims you.  
  
In the middle of the street, not minding anything or anyone, because right now this feels good.  
  
  
And you smile for the rest of the day. The week. The month.  
  
And maybe you don’t stop smiling for a long time after that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh and btw, I'm so behind with the prompts, sometimes I even oversee some.  
> I mean, I of course remember most (impeccable memory and all), but it doesn't hurt to remind me, lol.


	7. Those Stupid Halloween Parties

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Halloween is coming, what about a costume party?"

The doorbell rang, and Carmilla knew exactly what to expect.  
  
Annoying little kids wanting chocolate or whatever else candy for free.  
  
Piling up future dental bills for their parents to pay.  
  
Her mother had done one thing right, when never letting her go with the other kids.  
  
  
“Carm, honey, can you get the door?”  
  
  
Carmilla didn’t move from her position on the armchair by the book shelves. She looked up to see Laura still carving a pumpkin for their balcony on the floor of their living room.  
  
They got themselves a nice little apartment, after their first year of living together, seeing they didn’t need two bedrooms, and because a lot of money could be saved that way. Dorm rooms were kind of expensive in comparison to sharing rent for a one bedroom flat, as they learned.  
  
The doorbell chimed again.  
  
  
“Carm?”  
  
“I’m not gonna open up for those children. I refuse.”  
  
“Oh my god. You’re such a grumpball.”, Laura rolled her eyes and got up herself, wiping her hands on a used napkin she found nearby and made her way to the door.  
  
  
“Trick or treaaaaat!”  
  
Carmilla groaned, but made her way to the door too, observing Laura giving diabetes traps to the little shits that had the audacity to come destroy the little alone relaxing time she had with her girlfriend before going to that _‘freaking costume party that she didn’t want to attend’_.  
  
  
“Wow! Are you a dog?”, Laura asked one of the kids that was missing one front tooth.  
  
“Nooooo!!! I’m a werewolf!”, to prove the point, the kid was growling and making weird sounds.  
  
“ _Ohmigod!_ I’m sooooo scared!”, the blonde fake-gasped and handed over some more candy.  
  
Carmilla twisted her brows with amusement.  
  
Okay, _some_ of them were cute. She could admit to that.  
  
  
When Laura closed the door and turned around, she caught her girlfriend staring at her.  
  
  
“ **What?** ”  
  
Carmilla shrugged and got closer, “You’re good with kids.”  
  
“You haven’t really seen me with kids.”  
  
“I have seen enough in the past year.”, the brunette slung her arms around Laura’s shoulders throwing her an adoring look.  
  
“And? Are you digging me more now? Studies say that women are attracted to those who can handle kids well.”, Laura placed her hands on her girlfriend’s waist.  
  
“Is that so?”, Carmilla drawled and leaned in to kiss Laura’s neck.  
  
“Yep, totally and-”, yeah, Carmilla was nibbling on the spot she just had kissed, “Carm, what are you doing? We **can’t** _now_ \- I still have to- Carm, we need to get ready soon.”  
  
“ **And?** Is _this_ distracting you?”, for good measure, the dark haired student shoved her hand underneath Laura’s top.  
  
“You’re evil.”, it was barely a whisper.  
  
“Really? Do you call the girl you sleep with evil? Is that a nice thing to say?”, Carmilla challenged with a risen eyebrow, letting her hand inch up the blonde’s body higher, until it came to a rest just underneath her chest.  
  
“Fuck.”, Laura breathed and kissed her girlfriend, earning a chuckle for it.  
  
“Just what I wanted to hear.”

 

* * *

  
  
“Carm… Get dressed, please. I told Kirsch that we were gonna come by at 9. It’s 8.30 now.”  
  
“I’m not wearing that cat costume, sweetheart.”  
  
“It’s a costume party. You have to go as _something_. Otherwise they won’t let you in.”  
  
“I could go there naked with a sheet draped around my body, saying I’m a Greek goddess or something.”  
  
Laura rolled her eyes, “C’mon. I promise to make it worth your while.”  
  
“ **Not** the cat costume.”, the med student repeated with a shake of her head.  
  
“Fine. You know what? You can stay here, if you don’t wanna spend the night with me. I’m pretty sure I’ll have fun by my own at the party.”, Laura said.  
  
She wasn’t specifically angry, just tired of arguing about something so petty.  
  
Carmilla immediately felt sorry, “Hey… I _do wanna_ spend the night with you. I told you I was going with you.”  
  
“But you can’t go there like this... And you don’t wanna put on a costume _sooo_ …”  
  
The dark haired girl just had the perfect idea…  
  
  
“Oh I can think of something…”

 

* * *

  
  
The party was just as expected. Frat boys were all over the place with their occasional counterpart: _someone_ in a slutty version of _something_.  
  
Laura of course was one of the most colorful ones. She had found herself a blue, fluffy onesie in sale at a department store and made a cookie monster outfit out of it. The English major even had a secret stash of baked goods that she was carrying around in her costume. Carmilla did not know _where_ exactly she hid them, but she had a secret supply of cookies somewhere in that onesie.  
  
  
“Ohhh! Carm-sexy! Rad costume!”, Kirsch exclaimed, when he saw the couple walk towards the bar in the frat house.  
  
“Kirsch, I told you not to call her **that**.”, Laura rolled her eyes, and the guy managed to look a little embarrassed.  
  
“Sorry, little nerd-hottie.”  
  
Carmilla groaned, “And _ **I** _ told you not to call her **that**.”  
  
“No you didn’t.”  
  
He was right. Carmilla hadn’t ever really paid attention to him. She had observed them silently, whenever the time of the month came in which he would come over to study with Laura. However, she almost never had exchanged any words with him. She would always rant to Laura about him.  
  
  
_‘Did someone forget to gift him a brain, when he was born? His poor parents…’_  
  
or…  
  
_‘How can you put up with him? He has the intelligence of a broom. And that’s me being nice.’_  
  
or…  
  
_‘Laura, I swear to god if I ever see him drinking from my soy milk again, I will stop sleeping with you.’_  
  
  
“Then I’m telling you _right now_.”, Carmilla huffed out.  
  
The party already was boring. Maybe the lack of alcohol in her system made her think so, or maybe it was the fact that she was much older than all the second year university students. The party was a heaven for underage students just like her girlfriend.  
  
Carmilla hadn’t spotted anyone other than Laura’s friends that she knew. They were together for almost a year now, it was inevitable that she had met most of her colleagues.  
  
  
And certainly there were many things she was ready to do for Laura.  
  
She even cut up one of her old lab coats and smeared some fake blood on it, to go as a female version of Dr. Jekyll. Underneath the ruined coat she wore a light blue shirt and dress pants to make it look professional, the contrast obvious. Not that many people would even get the reference. Some had complimented her on the _‘cool, bloody Frankenstein costume’_.  
  
  
“Carm was supposed to go as a cute cat. I even bought her a costume and all, but then decided to take things into her own hands.”, the blonde commented, as she accepted a drink from Kirsch.  
  
Carmilla was a bit more cautious with taking drinks from frat boys, “What is this?”  
  
“Some beer to start off.”, Kirsch explained, and the brunette finally took the drink into one hand, and her girlfriend’s arm into the other, dragging her away.

 

* * *

  
  
“Do you see Betty anywhere? I could have sworn I saw her somewhere some minutes ago.”, Laura asked, while letting her gaze roam around the filled room.  
  
“You mean, _Betty the hooker_?”  
  
“ **CARM!** ”, Laura slapped Carmilla’s arm, “That’s **not** a nice thing to say. Betty’s costume is a real feminist one… That shows off her... **Feminity** … Maybe a tad bit too much…”  
  
“Hey, I’m all for getting out of the chains of patriarchy and all, but you can’t tell me that that costume isn’t meant to be-”  
  
“ **Shut up** , she’s coming over.”, Laura handed Carmilla her beer, before jumping off to greet her friend with a hug.  
  
  
“Hollis, you look… Uhm... Didn’t I tell you to sex it up a bit? We are setting the milestones here. All for girl power!”  
  
Carmilla cleared her throat, “She doesn’t need to _sex it up_.”  
  
“Yeah, yeah, Drusilla. She’s your girl, we get it. But that doesn’t mean she has to run around like Sulley from Monster Inc.”  
  
  
Laura protested immediately, “I’m the cookie monster!!!”  
  
“Yeah… Same thing. Blue and hairy. Who cares for the details?”  
  
The blonde rolled her eyes. Betty seemed to be a bit drunk already. The quirky student left them a little while later, saying she was spotting some cute guy from Poli Sci.  
  
  
“Come on, let’s get a little bit more alcohol into you. You’re being your usual grumpy self.”, Laura joked, as she dragged Carmilla away to the bar.

 

* * *

  
  
“And, is this more fun than what _ **I**_ wanted to do?”, Carmilla asked the other girl, while their eyes skimmed the party crowd.  
  
“What did you want to-”, Laura caught the suggestive look on her girlfriend’s face, “Can you think about _anything_ else?”  
  
Carmilla got closer to the blonde, “Well, excuse _me_ for wanting you for myself, when these three days are the only holidays I don’t have to study for anything and could just…”, the brunette dragged her hands over Laura’s back, noticing something, “… Are you not wearing a bra under this??”  
  
“No, I-”  
  
  
“Carmilla!”, a familiar voice brought them both out of the conversation.  
  
A tipsy blonde stumbled to the pair, eyes glued to Carmilla.  
  
“Ell. What the hell are you doing _here_?”  
  
“What is a fourth year med student doing here -a party for toddlers- is the better question.”, the blonde said deprecatingly eyeing Carmilla’s costume with big interest.  
  
“I’m here with **my girlfriend**.”, just to make it clear, Carmilla placed a hand on Laura’s waist.  
  
“Hey!”, the English major smiled politely, “And you two know each other from…?”  
  
  
“We fucked.” - Ell.  
“She was in my Psychology elective two years ago.” - Carmilla.  
  
  
“ **Oh.** ”, was all Laura could manage, while finding the hand that was placed on her waist, and untangling herself from it. She didn’t like being shown around like that, “As what are you going?”, she asked Ell, feigning interest, while cocking her head towards the other girl.  
  
“Tomb Raider. Lara Croft? Isn’t that obvious?”  
  
“Yeah sure… A blonde going as Lara Croft. Couldn’t be more obvious-”, Laura’s eyes widened at her own offense, and she quickly apologized. Carmilla on the other hand chuckled loudly, while Ell rolled her eyes.  
  
“Well, Carm and you must have a lot to catch up on… I’m just gonna go seek for Kirsch.”, the English major excused herself and walked away.  
  
  
“Isn’t your girl jealous?”, Ell asked, as she got closer to the other student.  
  
“She doesn’t need to be. I’m a hundred percent faithful, and she knows that.”  
  
“How do you know her? Did you dip your fingers into the pool of young med students again?”  
  
“No, Laura studies English, and History as her second major.”  
  
Ell hummed, clearly surprised by that revelation, “Carmilla Karnstein… You got yourself a English student… Funny.”  
  
“What’s so funny about that?”  
  
“I don’t know. Didn’t think _that_ was your type. I mean, isn’t it hard? Maintaining a relationship like that?”  
  
“You don’t know anything about her, nor me. So I suggest that you shut up about it.”, Carmilla walked away. She didn’t have the mind to let people tell her how much she and Laura didn’t have in common.  
  
The medical student was living it already. Laura had a complete different schedule from hers. When Laura came back from class, Carmilla was already sleeping, because of her early hours.  
  
Carmilla knew that **that** wasn’t what Ell was referring to, when talking about Laura though. It was the fact that almost no one from medschool dated someone outside of _‘their range’_. It wasn’t usual. Starting with different interest, medical students were known to be a little blunt in their personal life. Plus, they were prone to put their work above all and everything. But Carmilla never wanted to be like her mother, that’s what she swore herself. Her relationship with Laura was good. She’d never felt like this before. It was too soon to say maybe, but Carmilla had the feeling that it was something substantial.

 

* * *

  
  
It was shortly before midnight, the party crowd erupted into cheers for those who participated in the drinking games. Everyone was busy drinking themselves into oblivion, while Carmilla stayed in the background. She was sitting in some corner, messing with her phone, when someone snatched it away.  
  
  
“ **Hey** -”, to her luck it was only Laura.  
  
The blonde sat on her lap, unannounced, shoving the phone into one of Carmilla’s pockets on her lab coat.  
  
  
“What are you doing all the way here?”, the blonde asked, while playing with her girlfriend’s hair. Her eyes were a little glazed over. She was tipsy, if not drunk.  
  
“I was just taking a break. Frat boys and parties are not really my cup of tea, if you recall.”, the brunette replied, while steadying Laura with her hands on her waist.  
  
Laura smiled and kissed the other girl. Carmilla could taste the beer and… Chocolate.  
  
  
“I’m sorry that I dragged you to _this_.”, the blonde looked apologetic, “I know you’re not into those kinds of things and still-”  
  
“Hey, hey, hey, it’s okay. I’m just glad **you’re** enjoying yourself.”  
  
Laura giggled. Forgotten was the weird feeling deep in her chest.  
  
“I can think of some things **_you’ll_** enjoy…”, the English student leaned in again, kissing the spot right beneath Carmilla’s ear, where she knew she was sensitive.  
  
It was a wonder how the blonde could change from being the girl in a cookie monster costume to the sex goddess in only about a second.  
  
“Not here though, sweetheart.”, the brunette managed without moaning.  
  
  
_And probably not tonight_ , she thought silently.  
  
Laura was drunk, and even if she would manage not to fall asleep during sex, Carmilla had this mental rule not to take advantage of her like that. Even though they were together, and it wouldn’t be like that.  
  
  
“Wanna go home?”, Laura asked, while teasing Carmilla with soft bites on her skin.  
  
“Yeah…”

 

* * *

  
  
“That was fun, right?”, Laura asked, once they both were in their bedroom, ready to go to bed.  
  
“It sure is fun seeing you like this. This is not a sight I get to see very often. And you’re not even twenty-one yet.”, Carmilla fake-gasped, as she reached out her hands to unzip the onesie/costume.  
  
Laura approached the other girl, so that she would have a easier time, and stopped Carmilla, when the shoulders of the piece were falling to the sides.  
  
“Is it okay, if we don’t have sex tonight?”, she asked, as she suppressed a yawn.  
  
Carmilla laughed, before answering, “Mhm. Don’t worry. I’ll let you sleep. Just because you already did give me _a good time_ before we went to the party.”  
  
  
“Thanks for going with me... You’re really great, you know?”, Laura slurred, “And... I love you.”  
  
“I know you do, now come on, step out of this thing…”, Carmilla noticed something, as she took in the other girl’s bare torso, “I still don’t get why you didn’t wear a bra under this though.”  
  
“Because I didn’t find a clean one. We have to go do laundry tomorrow.”, Laura fell into their bed and snuggled up with the blanket.  
  
  
Carmilla sat on the edge of the bed, already out of her coat and watched the other girl.  
  
  
She knew the reason for why she was with Laura. It was easy loving her. It was easy being with her. Most importantly, it was easy wanting to be with her. How could she not? Carmilla didn’t understand how anyone could question her. They were good. Even though there were little difficulties. Laura loved her, and she loved her back. What else was there that mattered?  
  
It was so easy doing things that Laura wanted, because her happiness was everything. It was so easy doing things for her, because the smile she gave Carmilla whenever something went her way, was worth it. And yeah, all those mundane things made sense. Like doing laundry on a Sunday. Or getting breakfast for her lover, because she is hungover. Everything made sense with her.  
  
  
“Carm? Are you not coming?”  
  
“Just a second.”  
  
  
After having brushed her teeth and changing into comfortable clothes for bed (she let Laura sleep in only her underwear), Carmilla joined her girlfriend under the thick blankets. Her left hand found Laura’s and she placed a kiss on her bare shoulder blade.  
  
  
“I love you…”, she paused, “And just so you know… I’d do those stupid halloween parties like that one every year with you. And maybe I’d also want those annoying children with you one day... You make me think about those things, Laura Hollis.”  
  
  
Laura sighed, “I make you think about **what**?” She just had woken up from her little slumber.  
  
  
“Nothing. Go back to sleep.”


	8. Vague and Good

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Tell me you will give us the details about their first sex please." (Pt.2)

“Laura, Laura, Laura.”, Carmilla stopped the other girl, while she was frantically popping open the buttons on the med student’s shirt. The dark haired girl surely sounded needy, but at the same time hesitant and even… **Shy**.  
  
_Yeah right_ , Laura thought.  
  
  
“What is it?”  
  
“Just slow down a bit.”, the brunette chuckled nervously, “Let me catch up.”  
  
  
Laura did as she was told. Her hands became more patient and more deliberate. More _contemplative_. The blonde left the shirt half open, moving her head so that she could place soft kisses on Carmilla’s now bare shoulder. Dragging her tongue over the space where her collarbone stood out. Laura found Carmilla’s gentle hands on her waist and moved them onto her chest, straddling the dark haired girl on her bed completely, while she was leaning against the headboard.  
  
Both were in Laura’s room with the door still open ajar. It didn’t matter. It was only them in their own four walls anyway.  
  
  
“Do you need to tell me something? You’re acting like you’ve never had sex before.”, Laura said jokingly, smiling, before kissing Carmilla on the mouth.  
  
She poked out her tongue, ready to get permission, but it wasn’t granted. The English student drew back, giving the other girl a questioning look.  
  
Carmilla had been watching in awe, as the blonde took over the charge. This was something new about her. Carmilla hadn’t anticipated her to be so forceful.  
  
Laura knew what she wanted, and it made her infinitely more sexy.  
  
  
“I haven’t had it with **you**.”, Carmilla whispered back, trying not to come off too love-sick. (Probably failing miserably.)  
  
Laura’s eyes softened at that. Carmilla meant this. The blonde finally really took the time. Her eyes roamed around her roommate’s face, imprinting the look she was giving her. How dark Carmilla’s eyes seemed. She never had paid attention to them. Laura actually never had paid so close attention to the other girl’s features.  
  
Of course, initially she had thought that Carmilla was hot. And it was kind of nice to find out that she was into girls too. At first it made her think that she finally found a good friend in her roommate. Someone like-minded. Someone she would be able to talk to about things.  
  
But now she was tugging it away as perfection, the way Carmilla’s lips were formed into the prettiest of smiles. Or the way her cheekbones stood high and sharp, just like her jawline. Laura dragged her own hands over Carmilla’s (that still were placed gingerly on top of her breasts -not doing anything), she felt up her forearm, until she reached her biceps and applied gentle pressure there.  
  
Laura wanted to voice her inner thoughts. However something like _‘You have good genes.’_ or _‘You kinda are hotter, when you’re sorta shy.’_ sounded absolutely dumb in her head. So she settled on a smile before leaning in to kiss Carmilla again.  
  
And when she did this time, the dark haired girl didn’t waste any time. She reciprocated with an open mouth. Inviting and warm and wonderful. Laura also felt how Carmilla finally did something with her hands, as she slowly massaged her breasts, eventually being more on-board with this whole thing. Laura made a sound deep in her throat that was a mixture of a moan and a hum.  
  
  
As soon as Laura’s top had landed on the floor -courtesy of Carmilla- she became a bit more confident and unbuttoned the rest of her roommate’s shirt. The paleness of Carmilla’s skin was a perfect contrast to the dark underwear she was wearing. Plain, but still sexy somehow.  
  
Laura touched very delicately, her fingertips barely brushing the skin on Carmilla’s flanks. She dragged her hands over the future doctor’s waist to her chest, placed them on her shoulders, urging her to lie down completely on her back. Carmilla did manage with a little shuffling, and once again her breath got stolen away, when Laura hovered above her.  
  
The blonde dragged her tongue over her bottom lip, eyes darkening, hair falling over one shoulder, leaving the other unshielded. Carmilla had to reach up and touch her there. Drawing patterns with the freckles that sat there. It was noteworthy how the spots made Laura more beautiful.  
  
  
“You okay?”, the English student whispered, and the brunette bit her lip.  
  
“Come here.”  
  
  
Time stood still.  
  
Carmilla tried to block away the cheesy thoughts she had in her mind, when her roommate’s lips approached her slowly. She was shushing her brain and trying to act on desire. Of course she was failing miserably, and she just couldn’t understand it. Laura lowered herself onto the other girl, pressing the full front of her body to the one lying beneath her. Carmilla exhaled deeply.  
  
  
In her mind there were love songs playing. Those with a slow beat. The kind of music you make love to.  
  
**Except.**  
  
In reality this would be so cheesy. So she let it stay in her mind. The room filled with their moans instead.  
  
  
In midst of their lips and tongues meeting for what seemed like the hundredth time, somehow both of their bras had found their way to the bedroom floor. Laura was busy kissing down the path between Carmilla’s breasts, her palms placed firmly on her roommates ribcage, faintly feeling the thundering heart that was enclosed in its cage.  
  
  
Laura released one of Carmilla’s nipple with a wet pop, before going back to claim her lips in a bruising, never-ending kiss. She took her sweet time, just like the other girl had demanded from her. Except now Carmilla’s hand was fumbling with Laura’s button and zipper on her jeans.  
  
The blonde stopped the other girl in her doings, climbed out of the bed graciously and got rid of the obstructing pants. She did the same to Carmilla. One leg after the other was dragged down, and the movement didn’t leave the brunette much choice than to lie in front of Laura with open legs.  
  
Even though she was covered by the last piece of underwear, it was a sight. Laura asked herself mentally how on earth she was being so patient and tender. However something in her had melted, when Carmilla asked her to be a bit slower. As if she was experiencing her first time with her.  
  
Carmilla had told her that it kind of was. She had been right. It was _their_ first time (just some hours after their first date), but Laura never had thought so much about sleeping with someone for the first time. Usually it was just sex. Two people enjoying each other.  
  
However, now the way Carmilla was looking up at her, as if she were **everything** … It made Laura believe her. Even though Carmilla hadn’t said a thing. Carmilla’s half lidded eyes, her slightly open mouth, the sound of her exhales. Everything was doing a number on Laura.  
  
The English major climbed on top of the other girl again, sliding a leg between Carmilla’s parted ones, causing her to gasp _‘Laura’_ in surprise. Said girl took great pride in that. The gorgeous brunette that just had been a stranger a little more than 7 weeks ago had become this wanton mess beneath her- because of **her** doings.  
  
  
“I like the way you say my name. You say it differently.”, Laura lowered her voice and it sounded so sinful. Her lips were brushing against Carmilla’s ear shell, when she added, “I want to hear it when you come.”  
  
  
Not much time passed by before Laura took off Carmilla’s underwear and started placing wet, open mouthed kisses down her stomach. Her fingertips grazing every little shred of skin she could find.  
  
  
The utterance of a single _‘fuck’_ was all Carmilla could manage, when Laura slowly and carefully entered her with one finger. As if she were testing the waters. Dipping in just a bit, before the contact was lost again. Carmilla hissed, her body shuddered.  
  
  
“Am I still going too quickly?”, the smugness of Laura’s voice was well perceived. Carmilla actually did glare at the blonde, causing her to laugh softly, and at that the brunette too had to smile.  
  
  
Oh god.  
  
What was that?  
  
That flutter in her chest?  
  
  
Carmilla didn’t have the time to think about that anyway. Laura was touching her where she needed her again, and this time with no intention of stopping. The blonde’s body aligned perfectly with Carmilla’s, when she laid back down on top of her. Laura was savouring the sounds Carmilla was making.  
  
It was holy the way they looked at each other. It was intimate and heavy and wonderful. Laura captured Carmilla’s lips, forcing her to kiss back, even though that was a bit hard, when the English student had her fingers buried deep inside her and was teasing Carmilla in just the right way.  
  
At some point Laura gave up trying to engage Carmilla in anything more than parting her lips for her, and their mouths touched without them really properly kissing. The brunette’s moans were all the room got filled with anyway.  
  
  
Carmilla found her speech, “I need you to… I **can’t** like this…”, she gestured vaguely, gripping at Laura’s forearm that was in movement.  
  
“What?”, Laura asked, simultaneously finding Carmilla’s clit with her thumb, “ _This?_ ”  
  
The brunette locked eyes with the girl above her and nodded quickly, her mouth falling open in a loud and earnest gasp, when Laura applied pressure in just the right place.  
  
  
Laura observed her roommate closely for any signs to give away how close she was.  
  
She’d never had sex like this. While looking someone right into the eyes, but it didn’t feel wrong.  
  
When Laura felt Carmilla’s walls clenching around her fingers, she slowed down the pace and waited a beat.  
  
  
Just when Carmilla was about to reach that point, Laura raised her eyebrows challengingly, “ **Say it.** ”  
  
“I’m…”, she struggled with forming coherent sentences, “ **Laura** -”  
  
She couldn’t finish anymore (at least not the sentence), as the blonde covered her mouth with her own.  
  
And that was the last push into what one would call an orgasm. There was no other medical term for that.  
  
(Not that Carmilla could think of anything like that at that time anyway.)  
  
  
“You know…”, Laura remarked, while Carmilla was still relishing in her blissful state (eyes closed and all), “… I really _like you_ like this.”  
  
That was honest. And vague enough for now. The choice of words good.  
  
Carmilla opened her eyes, dark brown meeting hazel and she smirked. How she managed ten hot seconds after being that mess, was another question.  
  
  
“You’ll like me much more in a few minutes.”, she said and tugged on Laura’s underwear which caused Laura to yelp out in surprise.  
  
“Minutes? I’m hard to please, Carmilla.”  
  
“Remember what I told you?”, the brunette said, a little out of breath, when she turned them over, hooking her thumbs into Laura’s panties, easing them off her.  
  
“What?”, Laura’s voice was soft and had a certain vulnerability to it.  
  
“That I’ll do _anything_ you like to please you…”, Carmilla rasped.  
  
  
“Hmn, I’d like to judge for myself.”


	9. Slip-Up Confession

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "First I love you."

“Carm… I told you **not to** leave your dissecting instruments lying on the dining table. It’s gross. We eat there.”, Laura poked at the small wooden case, deciding not to touch it for reasons. She had been to one of Carmilla’s Anatomy courses out of interest.  
  
“Sorry. I was in a hurry when I came home last night and dropped everything there. I’ll put it away in a minute!”, the dark haired girl responded from the bathroom.  
  
  
When Carmilla emerged fully clothed, and really did as she was told, Laura gave her a pleased smile.  
  
  
“Look at _you_ … Listening to your girlfriend like that… Are you going out now?”  
  
“Yeah. My Pharma professor is going to kill me, if I show up to the seminar too late. I’ll pick up some food on my way home tonight. Any requests?”, the brunette leaned in to give Laura a quick peck on her cheek.  
  
“Just whatever you want. I don’t care. I have a long day myself.”  
  
“Good.”, Carmilla leaned in again for a proper kiss.  
  
Laura shoved her away lovingly, “You’re gonna be late, babe. **Go.** ”  
  
“Okay.”, the medical student chuckled, before claiming her girlfriend’s lips once again.  
  
  
“I love you.”, Laura said to Carmilla’s retreating back.  
  
  
It took them both a few seconds, before realizing what was said.  
  
  
Carmilla stopped dead in her tracks and turned around. Shocked expression plastered to her face.  
  
  
“What did you just say?”  
  
“I- Uh… I mean-”, the blonde’s attempts to talk herself out of it were of little avail. She blushed furiously and was at a loss for words.  
  
“Say that again.”  
  
Laura looked at Carmilla intently, before taking in a deep breath and repeating, “I said, **I love you.** ”  
  
The dark haired girl forgot about her tight schedule.  
  
  
“And did you mean it?”, Carmilla asked with composure in her voice and stiffness in her posture.  
  
Laura frowned. That was not something a girl wanted to hear after that big of a confession, “What?”  
  
“I asked you if you meant it, or if that was a slip, or-”  
  
“Both… I mean, it kinda was a slip… But I actually did mean it.”  
  
  
The admission was taking all of her courage, and Laura hadn’t realized she had held her breath, until Carmilla approached her and she had to exhale deeply. The med student was searching something in the other girl’s eyes.  
  
She had thought about that a lot. They were together for a little over two months now, and Carmilla thought she should wait. For signs… Or for Laura to be the first one to say it (which she never would have anticipated).  
  
  
“Good.”, Carmilla finally said with a nod of her head, “Because I love you too.”  
  
Laura blinked, “You do?”  
  
Carmilla managed a laugh, “Yeah, what did you think, smartass? I mean, I thought I was pretty obvious.”  
  
The blonde didn’t really respond to that anymore, but yanked her girlfriend in for a passionate kiss.  
  
  
“Cool. We love each other.”  
  
“Yeah. Pretty cool.”


	10. Subtle Changes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Can we see a bit of how their marriage was when Carm would neglect Laura?"

“Mrs. Hollis-Karnstein?”, a woman called out. It was a job interview for a position as a teaching instant at the local high school.  
  
Laura eyed the ring on her left ring finger with a smile and inhaled.  
  
  
“That’s **me**!”  
  
“This way please…”  
  
  
*  
  
  
“I got the job, Carm. I’m taking over sixth graders for now, but in future I might get to teach older students.”  
  
“That’s great, babe.”, Carmilla responded while kissing down Laura’s neck. She was busy unbuttoning her wife’s pants (which the blonde hadn’t caught onto until then).  
  
  
“Wait-”  
  
“What?”  
  
“Not today Carm. I’m not really in the mood.”  
  
Carmilla cocked an eyebrow, bracing herself on her own arms, “What’s wrong?”  
  
Laura laughed softly, “Nothing’s _wrong_ … I just hoped we could talk… We haven’t really tried to connect in the past few weeks… I wanna know about my wife’s life…”  
  
  
“I’m tired.”  
  
“And you wouldn’t have been too tired for sex?”  
  
“That’s _different_ …”, the dark haired woman blew out air and rolled out of the bed to shed her pants.  
  
The teacher sat up, a little upset about the fact that her wife was too tired to have a simple conversation with her. Carmilla groaned at the sight of the other woman.  
  
  
“What’s up now?”  
  
“Nothing. Uhm- I need to change…”, Laura said and went straight to the dresser to get some clothes to wear to bed.  
  
  
After she was done, she rejoined her wife in the bedroom and slid under the covers.  
  
  
“Good night.”, Laura said, turning off the lamp on the night stand and lying down on her side of the bed.  
  
“Good night.”  
  
  
*  
  
  
And maybe it was the best to let things rest and just wait.  
  
Because Laura was so infinitely in love with Carmilla.  
  
There were times in which she just plainly knew.  
  
  
“I told you, I had a surprise for you on career day… So, class…”, Laura was nervously looking at the woman sitting on the chair she would usually occupy, “ **This** is Dr. Carmilla Karnstein, uhm, _my wife_ and uh, a third year resident at Silas General… She’s gonna talk a bit about being a doctor… Who has a question?”  
  
  
“Is it true that you guys don’t have a life at all?”, Tommy in first row asked. Sixth graders were known to be nosy and curious.  
  
Carmilla looked at Laura with an undecipherable look, “Well… You see, I’m happily married… **She** is the proof that I in fact do have a life outside of the hospital… So it’s not so bad, I’d say.”  
  
  
“Did you have to study a lot?”, a girl in the far back corner asked.  
  
“Oh you have no idea. If you listen to Mrs. Hollis, and do your homework diligently, you could have chances to get into medschool. It’s a long way there, but I promise, if you want it as badly as I always wanted it, time will fly away so fast.”  
  
“Uhm, Carm, I let them call me _Mrs. Karnstein_.”, Laura corrected her wife  
  
“ **Oh?** ”, the brunette raised an eyebrow with a smug expression on her face.  
  
  
“I’m interested in how much money you make.”, some douche-y twelve-year-old asked.  
  
“Enough. But unfortunately medschool also costs a ton of money.”, Carmilla said with a wink, and directed her stare to her wife who squirmed a bit under her gaze. It was very pleasing to know that Laura used **her** last name with her students.  
  
  
*  
  
  
“ **This** is so fucking hot.”, Carmilla said before pushing her tongue into her lover’s open mouth.  
  
Laura moaned at the contact. It was exciting having Carmilla over at her school.  
  
For different reasons. One of them included herself and a certain desk that sat in her office at the high school she worked in.  
  
The brunette helped button up her wife’s shirt, zipping up her dress pants and running her hand through her lover’s golden hair.  
  
  
“Of course you’d find this hot.”, the blonde rolled her eyes as she still tried to compose herself.  
  
“You coming on your desk? Oh yes, aesthetically _very_ pleasing and I love the fact that you’re gonna be thinking about this from now on whenever you’re working…”  
  
Laura was still sitting on said office furniture.  
  
God since when did she do such bold things?  
  
Oh yeah, ever since her seductress of a wife made her follow her to the dark side.  
  
“Don’t be so smug, Dr. Karnstein.”  
  
  
Just then the dark haired woman remembered, “Have I already told you how great it is that your students call you _Mrs. Karnstein_?”  
  
“Yeah? I just... Mrs. Hollis was my mother. And I like your name so...”, the blonde replied, and tugged her wife closer, drawing her in-between her parted legs.  
  
“Mhm… I love to know you’re mine. And that everyone knows.”  
  
“My, my, don’t get ahead of yourself. I’m **not** _your_ property.”, Laura raised her eyebrows.  
  
“Shh, don’t make those feministic statements now… It kills the mood.”  
  
  
That was met with an eye roll again, but Laura could live with those kinds of comments.  
  
  
*  
  
  
Laura came home from work to find Carmilla and her parents in their living room.  
  
  
“Dear, we’ve been waiting for you to join us!”, Carmilla’s mother greeted her daughter-in-law.  
  
“ **Oh** … Uh, hi! Carm… Why didn’t you tell me that your parents were going to drop by? I would have come home sooner.”  
  
“That wouldn’t have been necessary, darling! We’ve just arrived.”, the father spoke with a smile.  
  
Laura on the other hand found it necessary to know about such things, because she still felt like she needed to impress her in-laws.  
  
  
“Is there any occasion?”, the blonde asked while approaching her wife who had been silently drinking from a whiskey glass all the time, looking anywhere but at the teacher.  
  
“Did Carmilla not tell you?”  
  
“Tell me **what**?”, Laura looked at her lover directly now, “Carm?”  
  
  
“I got elected as chief resident.”  
  
Carmilla was into her last year of general residency now, her hours crazy as they were already anyway.  
  
“That’s great, honey. Since when do you know?”  
  
“Uhm… A couple of weeks now…”  
  
That was a low blow. She hadn’t even told her own wife about something so significant in her life.  
  
Since when did they not talk about those things anymore?  
  
“ **Oh** …”, was all Laura managed.  
  
  
“We were planning on going out for a late lunch… To celebrate this. You’re joining, right?”, the only man in the room spoke.  
  
Laura looked at her wife, who still was avoiding her eyes.  
  
  
“No it’s okay. I wouldn’t want to intrude in family time.”  
  
“Laura, you **are** family.”, the mother spoke. The blonde would have wanted Carmilla to tell her that.  
  
“No, of course I know I am. I didn’t mean it like _that_. I just meant you three should go ahead. I’ve been having a headache all morning anyway.”  
  
At that Carmilla’s eyes snapped up and she almost seemed upset.  
  
  
“Oh that’s such a shame! Another time then.”  
  
  
*  
  
  
“My parents were talking about how much of a bummer it was that you weren’t there.”  
  
“Mhm…”, Laura absentmindedly went through the homework she had to correct.  
  
  
The change in their marriage came in gradually. At first everything was great. They went on honeymoon. Carmilla took off two whole weeks for that.  
  
Then after coming back she had to make amends for the lost hours, because of course she wanted to finish the general program in the shortest amount of time. There was another program already waiting for her, which she had started before taking over the first free spot for general surgery she could find. Now Carmilla would be able to start as a Cardio resident and finish her last three remaining years. She even went to some courses in university simultaneously. Carmilla had not been lying about being stuck in school forever.  
  
Laura knew she had to tolerate a lot. Everyone she knew asked her how she could be married to someone who wanted to become a surgeon. How she could constantly put her own needs behind Carmilla’s profession.  
  
But it had been so easy. Laura loved her so much. She simply couldn’t imagine not being with Carmilla. She simply couldn’t think about not leading the life she was leading now. Even though from time to time she got confronted with Carmilla’s cold side.  
  
Surgeons were said to be aloof and distanced.  
  
Laura never would have believed that about Carmilla, because when they met she was such a warm person. Annoying as hell, but so, so endearing and sweet. And now… She seemed to have lost that part of her. The sweetness was replaced with arrogance. In every aspect of their lives.  
  
Even during sex Laura would notice Carmilla’s hands becoming more demanding. Not that it was a bad thing per se, but the tenderness got replaced with boldness.  
  
But Laura could adjust. She was flexible. She could deform. Reset and reprogram.  
  
Because that’s what you do when you love someone. You make compromises.  
  
She just hadn’t found out yet that _compromises between two people_ and _compromising herself_ were two different things.  
  
  
“Why didn’t you go with us? And don’t say it was the headache…”, Carmilla sat down opposite to her wife on their dining table.  
  
“I didn’t know you wanted me to go so badly.”  
  
“Of course I wanted you there.”  
  
“Yeah? That why you didn’t tell me that you got promoted?”  
  
“This isn’t really a promotion, Laura. It’s no big deal.”  
  
“I still would have loved to hear it from **you** , you know?”  
  
“So that you can tell me how much of a workaholic I have become?”  
  
  
“Carm… You can’t bring up old arguments every time you don’t have any other ways to reason.”  
  
“You know… If I hadn’t put in the extra hours, I never would have been elected.”  
  
Laura sighed. She was so sick of talking past each other.  
  
“Okay, you wanna talk about **that** now? I know that you work hard. And I know that you’re doing a hell of a job in the hospital. I know that you are talented and all kinds of skilled, and it’s admirable that you do so much for your patients. But it wouldn’t hurt to take off one day once in a while. And you know I’m right. There is no point in working yourself to death. That’s what you always talked about, isn’t it? That you don’t need the money? We are not poor.”  
  
“Maybe it’s not about the money, Laura.”, Carmilla said in a calm voice. The type of calm that let run a shiver through the blonde’s body. The dangerous kind. “Maybe I like being around people that are like-minded.”  
  
  
The teacher blinked.  
  
  
“And _not like me_ … Right?”  
  
Carmilla snapped out of it, “What? **No** \- That’s not what I meant. It’s not _you_ I’m talking about-”  
  
“Who else could you be talking about? I’m the only person in your life. You pretty much neglect everyone else. I mean, your mother is a surgeon too… _She_ gets you… You dad was a lawyer, your siblings are both lawyers... _They all_ understand the hard work, the endless hours... It only leaves me to be the person that is not like-minded, right?”  
  
“I didn’t say that. Now you’re putting words into my mouth. This isn’t fair.”  
  
Laura stood up and shook her head, “ **You know what isn’t fair?** That you don’t deem it important that your wife knows about your life. I think it’s not fair that you bring up old things just to make yourself look better. I think it’s not fair that I’m the only one who gets to draw the short end, because _of course_ I have to support you!. And of course I have to be at my best all the time, and you can do whatever **you** want, because _you_ are the one who is saving lives. I mean what kind of asshole does it make me now that I’m complaining about it? **Nothing** is fair here.”  
  
  
*  
  
  
And gradually from there on all Laura ever did was waiting.  
  
Waiting on better times in their marriage.  
  
Because there was potential.  
  
  
Potential for better times to come eventually.  
  
Because good things were supposed to come to those who wait.  
  
Laura’s father drilled that into her brain when she’d been a little, impatient girl.  
  
  
Carmilla and her were caught in a sort of systematic relationship.  
  
Everything was automated. Laura knew when to expect certain things.  
  
Her wife came home and either they ate together or went straight to bed.  
  
  
And being in bed mostly also led to sex.  
  
There was nothing really lovely about that.  
  
But Laura still waited for everything to change.  
  
  
Because eventually it would.  
  
She was hoping so hard.  
  
Hoping and praying.  
  
To some deity.  
  
  
That the day would come on which Carmilla would finally see it all.  
  
How it wasn’t what they both signed up for several months ago.  
  
How there was urgent change in need to save the marriage.  
  
  
“I love you.”, Carmilla whispered in the back of her neck, and Laura forgot all her doubts.  
  
Because that’s what counted. That’s what she wanted. Her love, her presence.  
  
  
  
  
“I love you too.”  
  
  
And it was a pity that Carmilla only would know how much, when it all would be too late...


	11. Good Catch

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "The extended version of Sherman meeting Carm pretty please!"  
> "Could you possibly write the first time Laura took Carmilla to meet Papa Hollis?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Set after 'Those Stupid Halloween Parties'.  
> The US elections... I'm speechless.
> 
> X

Carmilla came home with the prospects of getting to spend the next 2 weeks in solitude with Laura.  
  
There were not many holidays she had absolutely off on (due to preparations she had to make for class or working on her doctoral dissertation), but this time around she was awfully free, as she had noticed. There were no deadlines, no projects that she worked on.  
  
Much to her girlfriend’s felicity, because Laura promised to work ahead of her schedule too, and they both would have hours of quality time to spend together.  
  
  
“Carm? Is it you?”, a fast approaching voice chimed up.  
  
“Yeah, who else would I be?”, the brunette chuckled.  
  
Suddenly two arms were around her midsection, her girlfriend’s body pressed firmly against her back, while Carmilla was busy locking their door.  
  
  
“What is it?”, the med student dropped the bag that she was carrying on one arm to the floor and intertwined their fingers. Her thick winter jacket was suffocating her somewhat now, but the warmth of the embrace was welcomed.  
  
“I’m just glad you’re home.”  
  
Carmilla turned around, her expression curious and knowing.  
  
  
“What did you do? Did you displace my stethoscope again? Or will I find missing teeth on my skeleton again, because you decided to use the vacuum cleaner on it?”  
  
“You need a new one.”, Laura breathed in the scent of her girlfriend, burying her face in Carmilla’s shoulder.  
  
“A new **what**?”  
  
“Stethoscope. The one you have is a poor excuse. I mean, I wouldn’t say anything, if you were aspiring to become an urologist, but I highly doubt that.”, the blonde pulled back slightly, to be able to match the other woman’s gaze, “But it’s none of the aforementioned crimes that I’ve committed.”  
  
“No? Then what?”, Carmilla inquired, retrieving her bag from the floor and walking them both to the living room, her jacket still on her body.  
  
  
“My dad called. And he made some remarks about me _not wanting to introduce my girlfriend to him, who by the way I’m dating over a year now_ … He’s suspecting I made you up to outrun his questions about my love life.”  
  
“So he wants to meet me...”, the brunette seemed to take in the information slowly.  
  
She had never met any parents of her former relationships. Not that this would have ever been a discussed option. Her former _‘acquaintances of romantic nature’_ weren’t something in that range quantitatively spoken, nor qualitatively.  
  
  
“Basically yes. And I know we talked about this before, and it didn’t happen because of your schedule, but I thought with the winter break now…”  
  
Carmilla nodded understandingly. It was a good time. She was in no academic stress. However she hadn’t anticipated to be filling her mind with worry about the future of her relationship. Not that the medical student was planning on screwing up things for her and Laura, but still.  
  
One could never be cautious enough. You need coverage. For every little mistake you make out there in the field, you need to back it up. With protective measures. Just like you let people signs legal documents about the possibility of their doctor messing things up, before operating on them.  
  
  
“What did you have in mind?”, Carmilla asked, painfully aware of the sound of it.  
  
For Laura it was a _Yes, when can I meet Papa Hollis?_ , for herself it was a _Let me assess the situation, and then work out how we can proceed_.  
  
Medschool was brainwashing her in some sort. She’d always been logical. People of science were prone to think rationally. Carmilla could work with logical steps in her head. She had tried to detach herself from too many emotions. Until she had met that prissy, little overachiever. That she totally had wanted to date from the start on. There was just something about her. And god, had she tried to figure out what it was! With no significant output. Some things couldn’t be explained with reason and principals.  
  
Some things just were. And they were logical within themselves.  
  
  
“I was thinking of maybe inviting my dad over to our new apartment. He’s still a little sad that I didn’t ask him for help with moving and stuff. It’s him becoming painfully aware of the fact that I’m not dependent on him anymore. With my new TA job and all...”  
  
“Not wanting to let go of his little girl, hmn?”  
  
Laura glared playfully, “Don’t say _that_ in front of him.”  
  
The blonde strode over to where Carmilla had plopped down on their couch -her jacket was still around her petite frame, making her look two sizes bigger than she really was. Just then Laura realized that Carmilla had lost weight. The new semester was a bit hard on her. It was her last year of pre-clinic.  
  
  
“When do you plan on inviting him over?”, the dark haired student finally asked and Laura lit up, knowing it was a definite yes, seating herself beside her girlfriend.  
  
“I thought about inviting him over shortly before Christmas. Because I won’t be able to go visit him. To make it amends?”  
  
“Sounds good.”  
  
“Yeah?”, Laura placed her hand on Carmilla’s forearm, stroking her through the thickness of the jacket, and goodness, why wasn’t she getting rid of that already?  
  
“Yes.” There it was.  
  
  
Just then Laura caught on to the situation.  
  
  
“Have you guys been practicing stuff on each other again?”, she asked, while trying to examine Carmilla’s arm, tugging on the collar of her lover’s jacket.  
  
“I let first year students try drawing blood from me.”, Carmilla informed, “ **Try** being the key word here. My veins are irritated.”  
  
“Yikes.”, Laura said, as she examined her girlfriend’s arm, “As hot as it is that you’re a tutor now… This is bordering on physical assault. Let’s get you cleaned up.”  
  
  
*  
  
  
“Daaaad!”  
  
“Sweetheart!”  
  
Both of them were tangled in a big hug, Sherman had lifted Laura off the ground, as if she weighed nothing. Carmilla had envisioned Mr. Hollis to be of the more petite frame, just like his daughter.  
  
Maybe Laura’s height was solely her mother’s chromosomes…? Carmilla shook her head. There was no time to think about that, as she anxiously gripped on the door frame to their apartment, anticipating _the moment_.  
  
  
“Uh… Dad…”, Laura said, as she took Carmilla’s free hand into hers and pressed it, “This is Carm- **Carmilla**. Uhm… _My girlfriend._ ”  
  
Sherman just then gave the other girl his full attention. He ogled her up and down, his face scrunched up in deep concentration.  
  
Great, and he wasn’t even in the apartment yet. _The scrutinizing looks began fairly quickly_ , Carmilla thought.  
  
  
But then he smiled and extended his hand, “It’s a pleasure to meet you, Carmilla.”  
  
“Likewise, Sir. Laura has been telling me so much about you.”, the brunette managed with a smile and the couple broke apart to let the father step into their humble little home.  
  
  
Laura had a supporting hand on the small of her back, and Carmilla felt a little at ease, when Sherman looked around the place.  
  
They had set everything up. The food was ready. The ambience was set.  
  
No screwing up was allowed there.  
  
  
*  
  
  
“You know, I thought you were just a phantom of my daughter’s brain. She’s been so secretive about you.”, Mr. Hollis said to Carmilla, as he was about to swallow down another forkful of the pasta dish the brunette had decided to make.  
  
Even though chicken was not his favorite, he did treasure a home made meal, and was sort of relieved that his daughter was apparently not living off canned soup these days. Carmilla could cook.  
  
“I have not- You just choose to not believe me!”, Laura countered.  
  
Carmilla remained silent on most parts, except when she was asked something directly. It was more fun observing the banter between father and daughter. She understood now, where Laura got her personality from. Mr. Hollis seemed to be just as stubborn as his daughter.  
  
  
*  
  
  
“So you are studying to become a doctor, yes?”, he asked around a mug of coffee.  
  
They all had migrated to the open living space with Sherman seated on Carmilla’s reading chair and the couple sitting on their couch.  
  
“Yes, Sir.”  
  
“Please call me Sherman.”  
  
“I’ll try to remember, but I probably will call you Sir more often than you like. It’s something deep within me.”, Carmilla responded politely. She even called her own father ‘Sir’.  
  
  
The man looked at his daughter with a smile tugging on his lips, “Why didn’t you date girls like _that_ in high school?”  
  
Laura rolled her eyes and huffed out, “ **Dad, please**.”  
  
Carmilla on the other sat there with a tight lipped smile. It was going fairly well, but she didn’t know, if Laura’s father was just being polite, or if she really was doing that well.  
  
  
“See, Carmilla… My daughter’s 20 now.”, he made some dramatic gestures, “ _She_ _knows how to be an adult now_ … I never came with the intention of prying in her personal life choices… But…”  
  
_Ah, here it goes._  
  
Carmilla unconsciously covered Laura’s hand that was placed on her knee for support. (The blonde had done that throughout the whole evening. Making sure that Carmilla knew she was there.)  
  
“I’m really glad that she found someone like you. You seem like a reasonable girl. Laura seems to be happy. And you seem to treat her well.”  
  
“She does.”, Laura confirmed with a nod and a beaming smile.  
  
Sherman nodded, pointing to Carmilla, “This one is _daddy-approved_ , Laura.”  
  
  
Carmilla didn’t know what she was supposed to do. She just sat there and turned her head to meet her lover’s gaze and Laura smiled encouragingly.  
  
  
“Did you hear that, Carm? You’re the first one that he ever approved of.” She did hear. She just was speechless.  
  
  
“And now onto more pressing matters… I want to take a walk with you two. To see, if the neighborhood is safe and secure. And I’d like to treat you two to ice cream.”  
  
  
Ice cream in the middle of a December night.  
  
  
Laura Hollis was her father’s daughter, Carmilla thought and smirked.  
  
  
*  
  
  
“She’s a good catch, Laura. You should keep her around. I like her.”, Sherman said once his daughter and her were standing in front of his old truck. He had an one hour drive back home to the suburban area of where Laura grew up.  
  
The blonde looked over her shoulder, to where Carmilla was standing in front of their apartment complex, holding onto the Ziploc bag filled with bear spray that her father had handed to her girlfriend.  
  
“I know.”, Laura chuckled, “She’s just so… _I don’t know_ … I love her.”, the English major whispered, as if it was a secret.  
  
  
Sherman leaned in close to embrace his daughter in a hug, and then waved one last time at his daughter’s girlfriend.  
  
  
“It was nice meeting you, Carmilla! Tell me, if you need more!”, he pointed to the bag full of weapons in her hand and she gave him a weak smile and a thumbs up.  
  
  
*  
  
  
Laura unlocked their apartment door and slid in with her girlfriend in tow. Carmilla sighed in relief. It had gone better than expected.  
  
  
“Sooo… My dad really liked you.”  
  
The brunette nodded slowly, “So that means we don’t have to break up?”  
  
Laura rolled her eyes and settled on leaning onto the door frame of their bedroom, watching her girlfriend walk around the space, getting rid of one clothing item after the other, finally being able to put on sweatpants.  
  
  
“I’m not breaking up with you anytime soon.”, Laura said.  
  
The meaning of the words were heavy and it set a complete other mood for both of them.  
  
Carmilla looked up to be met with her girlfriend’s sincere eyes and then a gentle smile splayed on her lips. Not a smirk.  
  
  
“Good. Because I have long-term plans for us.”  
  
  
And it was a short interaction.  
  
But sometimes little things made a whole conversation.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> #Shermilla for the win.


	12. Our Own Entity

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "They need to be together, let them be together!!"  
> "WHAT IS HAPPENING???"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a filler chapter, because we need that one for all the scenes you guys want me to write.  
> Also this one is set after 'Getting You Back', just for your information.  
> And now? You know the drill. Enjoy or something.
> 
> X

It’s not so hard remembering how it once had been between the both of you.  
Because the memories weren’t that closed off in your brain in the first place.

You’d always think of her in some way.  
Especially since she’s been a constant in your life again.  
  
  
So you remember her way of kissing you. How her lips feel against yours.  
  
  
Or how they feel on every inch of your body. How she used to worship you. And how you did too.  
How every stroke of her fingertips against your body was like striking a match. And fire would blaze on hers, whenever you would dare to touch.  
  
The physical part has always been easy with her. There never was a problem. Not even when the marriage was in ruins.  
  
She’s always been desirable to you, and you always knew how to turn her on.  
  
  
  
Currently you’re on top of her and kissing her, your tongue licking into her mouth, when she hums and pushes you away gently.  
The questioning in response to that action dies off the moment you see her fishing a blonde hair out of her mouth with a horrified expression.  
  
  
“Sorry. I know that was kinda gross.”, she states, as she wipes it away on the back of the couch you currently are positioned in.  
  
“Laura…”, you have to suppress your laughter, “We’ve been _married for two years_. I’ve seen you defaecate. I think we’re way past that.”  
  
Her face takes on a shade of red, “ _So_ **not** sexy, Carm. Besides, I had no choice. That hotel room was horrible. Who installs a toilet right into a bedroom?”  
  
You shrug, because you actually paid an awful lot of money for that honeymoon suite Laura is referring to.  
  
Your honeymoon was spent in Paris and parts of Northern Italy.  
  
  
“I wouldn’t know. Europeans and their standards.”  
  
“You’re European too, Carmilla.”, she says with an amused expression.  
  
“I grew up here. I consider myself Canadian. Thank you.”  
  
  
You’re sort of thankful for the little interruption, as it still is too early for you to go further with her.  
  
Further than the innocent make outs in one of your homes.  
  
Where no one knows.  
  
  
You both agreed on keeping it a secret. To be honest, you don’t even know what **it** is you both are keeping behind closed doors, and neither of you have talked about the consequences. Neither of you have wanted to ruin anything with serious talks about the future. You just know what you want for now. It is _her_. In whatever twisted way it may be. You don’t care.  
  
Relationships with ex-lovers are hard enough as they are, the whole _married, and then divorced_ issue is another one.  
  
Keeping it a secret is not so hard for you, as you don’t really have anyone to tell besides family.  
And not even they have a right to meddle with your personal life.  
  
Mattie would be chewing an ear off you, because she would always tell you to find someone who appreciates you for what you are.  
She is your elder sister after all. They tend to get like that. Overprotective to the brim, and full of wise advice that they should be rather using on themselves.  
  
  
Though you have changed profoundly in what you need and desire.  
  
Your younger self needed the ego push, liked being praised. Now you actually like to lay it low.  
You may be a big deal now, and your twenty-five-year-old-self would have loved to know that you are the head medical director of the cardio department at age 34, but it has worn off its magic.  
  
The job has taken its toll, but you try to see it like Laura does. Both of you have grown from the experience.  
  
  
“When do you have your class?”, you ask her, and she shifts underneath you, to be able to look at her wristwatch.  
  
“In about an hour.”  
  
“I should be going in soon too.”  
  
  
“Mhm…”, she hums, as you lower yourself onto her body again.  
  
  
And instead of kissing her you bury your face into her neck, and hold her close to you.  
  
  
You love the smell of her hair, and the smell of her body in general. Just like you love her arms holding onto you. She bends one leg and hooks it with one of yours and one of her hands come up to rest on your shoulder, where you feel her playing with your hair absentmindedly. You breathe her in thoroughly, as if to preserve her.  
  
  
“Is everything okay?”, she asks after a long time.  
  
“You smell really good.”  
  
“Hmn… There is this thing called shower you know…? Where you can get all _soapy and naked_ and-”  
  
“Soapy and naked, hmn?”  
  
You hear and feel the hesitation radiating from her body, but don’t have time to dwell on it, because her phone starts vibrating in her pocket.  
  
  
“Sorry…”, she says, as she fumbles around, obviously trying very hard not to touch you inappropriately, and when you don’t move, she fixates you with a glare, “Carm… Would you mind?”  
  
You smirk at her and she rolls her eyes at that.  
  
  
“Of course not.”

 

* * *

  
  
You drive Laura to her class, she thanks you with a quick peck on your mouth and is just about to get out of your car, when something almost slips past your lips.  
  
  
“I…”  
  
**Love you.**  
  
  
“Hmn?”, she looks back and you clear your throat.  
  
“I’m gonna see you.”  
  
Laura smiles in that one way you like so much and slips out of your car, to pop her head back into the vehicle.  
  
“Whenever you’re free this week… Call me...”  
  
  
You have to exhale deeply in order not to faint right on that spot.  
  
How ironic would that be? The cardio surgeon dying of a spontaneous heart attack?  
  
  
It’s not even the feelings that are constricting. They aren’t holding you back. Pinning you to her. Marking you as hers.  
And even if that were the case, this isn’t even the issue here.  
  
  
The issue is that you don’t know what you both are doing.  
  
  
It started back when you went out with her. Laura was being so sweet, and supportive and the things she told you were things you wanted to hear six years ago.  
And it was like something inside you was threatening to explode, and you couldn’t contain yourself anymore.  
  
You had to kiss her then and there, on the middle of the street.  
  
Because that was the only way you could express yourself.  
  
Your gratitude. Your appreciation. Your love for her.  
  
And she smiled into the kiss. It felt like her whole being smiled after that, and your heart was yearning. It had been yearning for her all this time. Trying to reach out, but at the same time fearful and defending itself. Because she still has the power to shatter you.  
  
  
So you don’t know what to do with all of this.

 

* * *

  
  
Laura surprises you at your workplace one day. Because you complain to her about not having eaten all day and that you are stuck at the hospital.  
(You cannot eat another day at the cafeteria.)  
  
  
She walks into your office, as if it were the first time. As if she never has been here before. As if something has changed. And you realize that it did.  
  
  
Because this is not usual. This is more than friendly.  
  
Laura kisses you as a greeting and hands over a paper bag full of -what you guess- something you like, and you stop her when she pulls back, set down the food, and urge her to stay in your space.  
  
You urge her not to run so fast. Not to be so much ahead of you.  
  
Because this is new. And exciting. And terrifying. And she needs to guide you. You need her as a guidance. Because you forgot. You need a guide.  
  
  
“Thank you, you’re precious.”, your voice is soft when you speak to her. You’ve noticed.  
  
“Can’t have my hero and savior starve here to death. And… You’re welcome.”  
  
  
Laura matches your gaze for a little more than a few seconds and you almost taste the words she doesn’t say on her lips, when she kisses you again, before drawing back and placing her arms on your shoulders.  
  
“I got you turkey sandwich and those raspberry granola bars that you like so much. Do you need anything else? I have off for today. I could get you-”  
  
“Wow, I didn’t know that you were my personal assistant… But no, don’t bother. The sandwich is enough. Thanks again. You didn’t have to do that.”  
  
  
At that she deflates, and her expression changes. And you want to know what you said wrong.  
  
  
“No, I know I **didn’t** _have to_. I **wanted** to. Because you’re important to me, and I care about you…”  
  
  
You nod at her, clearly hearing the words, but needing time to grasp them in all of their expansion.  
  
  
Baby steps. Because even though you have massive history, this is new territory.  
This is getting to know each other all over again. Getting to know limits and boundaries.  
  
  
“Do you want to join me? For lunch? I’ll buy you those cookies that you like so much from the cafeteria and-”, you’re already on search for your wallet in your jacket.  
  
  
“I’d love to.”

 

* * *

  
  
Laura walks into your home after a tiring day at university. Lately she has been working a lot. There were a lot of tests to correct, exams to overview, written assignments to check.  
  
When she told you that she had to do another set of those, you just offered to do it at your place. That you would order take out and that you had to go over some things too, so that you at least would be able to see each other.  
  
You didn’t really know how it is to be on the other end of all of this. How it was for _her_ back then.  
  
  
You are a busy woman, so you didn’t really have that much time to think about it, but still you did miss her at some point.  
And you don’t even know if you are supposed to. Or if you are allowed to.  
  
So you test it out.  
  
  
“I missed you.”, it feels so foreign, and strange. But not in a bad way.  
  
Laura turns her head from where she was busy hanging up her coat onto the rack by the entrance and clearly you took her by surprise.  
By what exactly you don’t quite know. Maybe because you don’t really say that.  
  
You have your moments too, but you don’t usually let people know that you miss them.  
  
“I missed you too.”, she responds easily, and it feels like music in _your_ ears.  
  
So how must _she_ have felt then?  
  
  
  
It’s like an unspoken rule.  
  
That whenever it’s slightly past 10 pm, Laura has _this thing that she has to get back to_ , or when you are at her place, you excuse yourself with words about _morning shifts_.  
  
  
But this time Laura forgets about time, and you do too. You find yourselves talking on for hours and laughing. She tells you about her students and you smile at her for being this incredible person that you still are a fool for.  
  
  
Laura’s laugh, the sight of it along with the divine sound is one of the most fulfilling things for you.  
You could watch her for hours probably, and still wouldn’t get fed up with her. Or her ways to express herself.  
  
She’s still a very expressive person. With her gestures and her way to describe things.  
Figures, she does it for a living as a teacher. Her descriptive side comes to a good use in her profession.  
  
  
How can you be drawn to her like that?  
  
After all this time apart, and being miserable?  
  
Because she still is and will be the love of your life.  
  
  
  
You walk around her on the couch, as you take the mug of stale coffee from her. She’s about to object and wants to tell you that she hasn’t finished yet, when you just lean down and kiss her.  
  
  
Because you can.  
  
Because she lets you do that to her.  
  
Because that’s somehow all you’ve been doing lately.  
  
  
You have enough mind to place the mug on the side table next to your couch, before indulging in what seems like more than kissing.  
  
The restraint that you have been feeling up until now is slowly dissipating. Like it never was there, and the non-rational part in you -of which there only exists a small part- asks you how you could be so calm about her all this time.  
  
How could you keep your hands to yourself, when she’s in your home that frequently? Her scent so divine and intoxicating along with her gaze that captures you.  
  
  
“You should stay the night.”, you blurt out, in-between kissing, and Laura pulls back from you.  
  
  
Her expression is a bit conflicted, like she doesn’t know how to say no to you.  
  
Which is flattering, but there is doubt and second thoughts, and you can’t have that.  
  
  
“Or not! You don’t _have to_ …”, you add hastily.  
  
  
“No! I _want_ to- I-”, her tongue that is following a trail on her upper lip is very distracting, “It’s just… You’re not ready.”  
  
Your eyes snap to hers and you feel the furrow of your own brows settle.  
  
“I didn’t know you could read minds. Or that you knew what was going on in my head.”  
  
You kind of wish she did. Because it sometimes would be so much easier.  
  
  
She pulls back completely, “Carm…”, you go sit beside her, “We haven’t even talked about what _this_ is. I mean… I haven’t talked about this, because I kind of don’t want you to run out on me here. I know how much you hate talking. And confrontations... And you didn’t talk about it because… I actually don’t know why… But we need to- I need to know what this is, before we do anything. Because if it is only you reliving nostalgic feelings, revisiting the past, and you don’t plan on being with me, then you need to tell me **now**.”  
  
  
You hadn’t expected her to go on full-on-babble-mode.  
  
  
“I do have more profound feelings for this than you might think now.”, you tell her.  
  
  
Profound and superficial.  
  
You get to differentiate those two in medschool very well.  
  
For instance superficial arteries only provide for superficial areas of your body, whereas the deep, profound ones go to the core.  
  
The heart is one of the exceptions. It has its own coronary arteries that can supply its own share of oxygenated blood.  
No need for another artery to provide it's blood. Just shortly before the aorta translates into the arch, there are the coronaries.  
  
Outstandingly beautiful, when you hold the human heart in your hands. And also one of the thrilling things about your job.  
  
And just maybe that’s what you have in common with it. That your feelings for Laura are an exception, outstanding.  
You can’t even call them profound feelings. You would say they are one entity of their own.  
  
Something indescribable. And you hope with Laura’s innate need to express everything in words, and talk and talk and talk, she can solve the mystery.  
  
Because she is supposed to be the balancing instance. She is supposed to be the other half of the share. She’s supposed to complement you.  
She was once like that. Both of you were for each other. Before everything went to shit.  
But you believe she can be that again. Because Laura believes it herself, and how could you not believe someone like her?  
  
Someone that you once had promised the rest of your life. Someone you had promised to be there for. Someone who you wanted forever with.  
  
  
“What are you thinking?”, she asks with her voice so soft, and patient and... Loving.  
  
  
“I think we should be together.”


	13. I Love You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "What about all the first times they have after they get back together?"  
> "I want them to confess their love for each other and be gross."  
> "Give me the insight into their honeymoon and wedding."  
> etc.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one's all over the place.  
> And it picks up where we left off.  
> Set after 'Our Own Entity'. Enjoy!!!  
>  
> 
> X

_Laura, you won’t believe me now, but when I first met you, I knew that you were going to be someone very important in my life. From there on gradually you moved into my heart and after a very short time you had occupied all of it. All I can see, when I picture the future is that I want you to be a part of that future. Today I promise to be faithful to you in that future. To be loyal. To treat you with respect, and to open myself up to all the adventures and hardships that will come our way and to tackle them. With you._  
  
  
“Do you want a- What are you doing there?”, Carmilla interrupts you while you’re busy reading the first pages of the small little booklet she read her vows from.  
  
It was tricky finding it, but now that you almost spend more time at her home than at your own, you stumbled upon it.  
  
You hold up the black little notebook, and immediately the look of panic strikes across her features, “ **Aaaaah** \- Why are you reading _that_?”, she’s on the way to you, ready to pluck said thing away, but you shield it from her behind your back.  
  
“Why? I heard those words at our wedding… Why can’t I read them…?”  
  
Carmilla scratches the side of her head and does this cute little gesture with her hand that is probably describing her helplessness.  
  
“It’s… Personal… And I don’t know…”, she mumbles, and fixates the floor with her eyes, before looking up to you.  
  
Your heart melts at that sight, so you tuck the book away, Carmilla following that movement closely, before you step into her space.  
  
  
“I’m sorry…”, you say sheepishly, before kissing her cheek, “You’re right. That’s personal. And I shouldn’t have…”  
  
Your ex-wife manages to look embarrassed, or takes on some expression you don’t really know (yet), and then bites her lip, before retrieving the notebook again.  
  
  
“Come on, I wanna show you something.”, she takes your hand and leads you to the couch.  
  
Now your curiosity is slowly growing.  
  
  
“Here… Read the next few pages.”, she says, as she hands you the notebook, “I wrote into it on our honeymoon.”

 

* * *

  
  
_Day 1_  
  
_We just checked into our hotel some hours ago. It’s nice._ _Laura doesn’t like the open bath-, and bedroom suite._  
_I don’t mind that much, but she’s still shy about doing her business in front of me._  
_It’s sweet, but I’m sure she will get over it soon enough. We’re married now. I can’t believe it._  
_If you read this in the future: Yes, we are having sex quite frequently, and your wife is-_

 

* * *

  
  
You stop reading that passage, as you feel a blush creep up on your whole face and neck, and probably your whole body.  
  
It’s a warm, tingly sensation.  
  
You haven’t had sex with her in a very long time.  
  
Carmilla and you have been talking about what it means to be together again. And the _cautious_ side of you said from the start on that you wanted to explore the more innocent parts of your relationship first, before making it physical.  
  
  
Although you still kiss a lot. And there is more want in it. More frustration too, sometimes. But you think it’s good that way. For now.  
  
  
Both of you agreed on getting to know each other slowly again. There are a lot of things you have yet to learn about each other. Just like you have to re-know a lot too. There is a lot of learning to be done in general. You devoutly hope that you can fix it all in due time.  
  
  
Carmilla clears her throat, “I- I don’t remember writing _that_ -”, she excuses herself, and skims through some more pages.  
  
It’s very interesting watching her facial expressions, as they change from simply reading along (while mouthing the words silently) to her slightly wide eyes -or in the most latest case: silent gasping.  
  
  
“Okay we probably **shouldn’t** read that now.”, she says slowly, as she throws it onto the coffee table.  
  
  
You don’t really know a response to that, and frankly it doesn’t need one. It’s just so endlessly nice to be spending your off days with her.  
  
Carmilla’s hand finds yours and you pull it into your lap, tugging her into your side.  
  
  
“This is really nice.”, you tell her.  
  
“Yeah.”  
  
  
*  
  
  
You stare out of the window. It’s storming outside, and Carmilla’s SUV is in car service. Today you decided to walk all the way here, because it was so nice out. You want to curse yourself for not bringing your car.  
  
  
Carmilla approaches you from behind and envelops you in a hug, kisses your cheek and holds you close.  
  
  
“It’s raining.”, you tell her, as if she isn’t aware of it.  
  
“Hmn.”, she hums and presses her cheek to yours, “I still can’t believe that you walked here. I mean… You could have at least biked here.”  
  
“No.”  
  
  
No, you couldn’t have. Because ever since your accident you haven’t had it in you to ride a bicycle anymore.  
  
  
You turn around in her arms, playing with the fabric of her sweatshirt in-between your fingers, before meeting her eyes, “I haven’t- Ever since the accident… I **can’t** -”  
  
Carmilla’s eyes grow wide, and she nods hastily, “Yeah, no, I understand... I’m such an idiot-”  
  
“No! It’s okay…”, your hands find her cheeks and you bring her head down to meet her lips in a sweet kiss, “I can take a cab.”  
  
“Or…”, she starts, and pulls you closer, “You could stay here.”, she kisses you once more and then pulls back to look at you. Her eyes find yours and you think about the made offer.  
  
“Not _to_ …”, she trails off, “Just because you shouldn’t go home in this weather. And you can sleep in the guest room, or I can sleep in the guest room and you can-”  
  
“Can I sleep in _your_ bed? With you? I mean- Beside you?”  
  
Your question takes her by surprise, but she nods nonetheless.  
  
  
  
  
Carmilla still sleeps on the left side of the bed, and you slip in on the right side. It’s a wonder that she left the room as it was. She didn’t change a thing in there.  
  
Still it’s different now. You feel like the bed is too big now. At the end of your marriage it felt like it was too small. Now the opposite feeling occupies your mind.  
  
  
“Hey?”, she scoots over to you cautiously, careful not to cross any boundaries, “What are you thinking?”  
  
You turn towards her and just then you can smell the scent of her on the sheets and pillows. It makes butterflies roam around in your stomach. It’s so _her_ , and immediately you feel a lot more at ease.  
  
“Nothing… Come here.”, you hold out your hands, and she takes them, you moving closer to her too.  
  
  
Both of you look at each other for a very long time, just relishing the closeness.  
  
  
“Hey Laura?”  
  
“Yeah?”  
  
“I’m glad to have you in my life again.”, you give her your full attention after that confession, “I mean… I might not have shown you how much you mean to me, but I want to try. I want to show you, what it means to get a second chance. These past weeks with you were amazing. And I hope that you feel the same way.”  
  
And she really doesn’t know, how much it means to you that she tells you.  
  
Carmilla doesn’t meet your gaze, because she feels a bit nervous about it, and it’s absolutely endearing.  
  
“Carm… Thank you… For telling me, and for also giving me another chance. I know we can overcome everything… I know that it’s **you**. It’s gotta be you…”  
  
  
You both smile at each other, and probably look like two idiots packed under the sheets, with linked hands, but the feeling inside is magnificent.  
It’s like finally that missing piece of your life has been found. Or maybe not even found, but replaced with something so much better.  
  
  
For the first time in a very long time, you sleep beside someone and feel at absolute peace.  
  
Maybe it’s the first time in more than six whole years.  
  
  
*  
  
  
It happens more often than you would have imagined.  
  
That either she sleeps at your place, or you at hers.  
  
Never does anyone of you two try anything frisky.  
  
  
However something happens, when you wake up one morning at Carmilla’s house to a letter on your side of the bed.  
  
  
It gives you flashbacks of the day you woke up with signed divorce papers on your nightstand.  
  
Technically it still is the same piece of furniture. It’s weird that you don’t have that connection to it anymore.  
  
  
You open the letter that you’re sure your ex-wife wrote to you.  
  
  
_Good morning Beautiful,_  
_I wanted to do this personally, but we slept late last night, and I didn’t want to wake you._  
_I do hope you slept well. There is coffee, and I got you some fresh baked goods from the bakery._  
_When you open your nightstand drawer, there is the spare set of keys to the house. You should have them._  
_You can stay at the house for as long as you like, but I don’t think you’ll want to wait for me until I get back, because I was called in on short notice to cover for a colleague. Use the keys! You should be able to come and go as you like!_  
_I hope you have a wonderful morning and day, and that we’ll see each other very soon._  
_Carmilla_  
  
  
You open the drawer to truly find the spare keys in it.  
  
And the feeling is odd, because once it used to be your set of keys.  
  
  
*  
  
  
One day you let yourself in with the key that Carmilla gave you. The colleague that she has had to cover for took a leave for two weeks with short notice, so she mostly hasn’t even been home herself.  
  
You know that Carmilla will be home by six, and she told you that she wanted to meet you tonight, so you came by earlier with groceries. You went shopping for her, because you thought it would be a nice thing to do.  
  
While rummaging around in her kitchen, you come across something that strikes to you as odd.  
  
  
It’s a book.  
  
Not a regular one.  
  
Carmilla likes to read.  
  
  
But this isn’t the kind of book you would have ever thought of finding in her home.  
  
  
  
  
“Hey- You’re here early!”, she calls out, as she comes home and sees the lights on.  
  
You go greet her by the entrance, as she struggles to shrug off her coat. Carmilla raises an eyebrow at you and then she chuckles.  
  
  
“Okay, what did you do?”  
  
“Me? _Nothing_ …”  
  
“I know that look far too well…”  
  
“I went shopping for you. Groceries. _That’s_ what I did!”, you tell her, and her head turns in direction of where the kitchen is.  
  
  
“Well that is… Nice of you to do…”, she is sensing some hesitance on your side. Of course. She does know you well.  
  
  
“Yes… As your… Uhm… Girlfriend…”, the word feels weird on your tongue, though not _bad-weird_ , “I thought it would be totally nice… And while I was busy filling your cupboards with groceries… I came across something.”  
  
  
You walk into the living room, Carmilla following you, and then you hold up the book.  
  
She eyes it, before regarding you with her attention, “What is it?”  
  
“You read books with dating advice? Where’s your game Carm? You don’t need that shit.”  
  
“I think I do.”  
  
“You’re very charming on your own, _when you want to be_.”  
  
“Maybe I want to be better? Maybe I want to be the best version of myself for you?”  
  
  
That takes you by surprise, “Carmilla… I love you for who **you** are. You don’t have to change for me. You’re incredible on your own. I’m in love with you, whatever part of yourself you decide to show me. You’re the love of my life and maybe **_I’m_** the stupid one to get it so late, but-”  
  
She shakes her head and steps into your space, taking away the book from your hand and throwing it onto the ground carelessly, “No. You are not. What you wanted for us back then… It **wasn’t** stupid. It wasn’t you being selfish, it wasn’t you not appreciating me. It was the other way around. Laura… I’m older now- Like… _A lot older now_. I’m turning 35 soon, and I’m getting to experience all of this anew. I’m just endlessly happy that I get to have this again, I can’t even describe how amazing you are, and how glad I am to have you back again. And… I’m just now slowly realizing… That I never want to be working so much that I don’t see you anymore. I want to spend as much time with you as I can.”  
  
“But Carm, I don’t expect you to do this for me. You have your job, you have your schedules, and it is perfectly fine like this.”, you tell her.  
  
Even though her words mean the world to you.  
  
“You don’t have to ask me. I’ve had it all, Laura. I _have_ everything. I’m head of the cardio department. I’ve been an attending at age 29. I work fifty hours per week, and it’s enough. I’ve earned enough money... Hell, I still don’t know what to do with all of it most of the time.”  
  
“I just really want you to be happy. I’ve always wanted that, Carm.”  
  
“I am. Finally **I am**. Because I have everything. Laura, do you get it? I have everything I could ever ask for and I simply don’t want to be functioning anymore. I want to **live** again. With you. I want you. You and no one else. I don’t want to be no place else. And this is all I’m ever gonna need.”  
  
  
Carmilla locks eyes with you and then something changes in her expression. It’s like she has it all figured out, and then she smiles.  
  
  
“I love you. Goddamnit, after all this… I’m still here, in love with you.”

It is the first I love you after your divorce that means what you want it to mean.

  
You have to hold her after that. So you embrace her. Because if you wouldn’t, you’d probably lose footing, because the admittance throws you off.  
  
Of course in some extent you would have thought it to still apply. That the profound feelings she talked about weeks ago would have some resemblance to love.  
  
However, hearing her say it out for you. Hearing her tell you that she loves you, and nobody else in this world is still so very satisfying and unique and you will never get enough of it.  
  
  
When you pull back, she looks at you in that one way.  
  
  
And you have to kiss her, and tell her. You place your left hand on her cheek and bring her down towards you, to meet her in a kiss. It’s long, and soft, and slow, and you want to relish in it. You want to bask in this new feeling of being loved back by the one person that you love so ardently.  
  
  
“I’ve been wanting to hear that for so long. And I never think I’ll get fed up with it.”, you admit.  
  
“ **I love you.** ”, she says again, this time with a dazzling smile, and you try to remember the last time you’ve seen her smile like this. Because it reaches her eyes, and you believe her to be truly happy. You believe her now. You believe that this is all she wants and needs. And it makes all your dubitations go away.  
  
  
“Kiss me.”, you ask of her. And you hope you convey all your love with this one, because three simple words aren’t enough now. Of course Carmilla complies -gladly, you think- and you find yourself in a heated kiss. It becomes sloppy at some point, because you’re eager and demanding and _so_ into it, and don’t realize that she at some point walked you backwards into the living room wall.  
  
  
You gasp at the contact of it with your back, and she apologizes under her breath, but connects her mouth to yours in the next second, leaving you no time for second thoughts.  
  
Or thoughts in the first place. Because all you have in mind is Carmilla. Carmilla. Carmilla. From there on you know where this is headed.  
  
  
There is a lot of stumbling, especially when both of you try to ascend the stairs while simultaneously kissing, but somehow you manage without any broken bones. You are not so sure about bruises, but frankly you don’t care for them.  
  
Carmilla presses you to the wall between the upstairs guest bathroom and her bedroom. This time it’s gentle, and you think it’s her last subtle way of asking if she is to go further. If it is what you want. If you are as needy as her. And so you take the initiative, and lead her to her bedroom by her hand.  
  
She trails behind you, stopping when you do. You turn around to face her and she has her hand on your neck in an instant and you close your eyes and wait a beat or two, before she kisses you again.  
  
  
The urgency is still there, but there is also newfound patience. She’s savoring you. She’s taking her time. Her tongue meets yours in a perfected technique. It’s like every time she kisses you, it’s better than the last.  
  
You meant to tell her before. That you love her mouth, that you love the curl of her lips, that you love the redness of them.  
  
But you think this is a much better way to tell. To let her feel. To show her.  
  
  
At some point she pushes you gently, so that you find yourself seated on her bed. And then there is a pause.  
  
  
“Do you want this?”, she asks, as she kisses your hand, and you open your eyes to find her on her knees before you.  
  
Just then you realize again how beautiful she is. How age didn’t taint her beauty. How you’ll always love her.  
  
How you’ll always love the arch of her brows, or the way her eyelashes flutter, when she looks up at you through them.  
Or the way her lip quivers, when she’s panting softly, because she just spent all her energy kissing you.  
  
Kissing YOU.  
  
You think you took too much time to answer, so she summons your attention towards her, demands you to not just look, but acknowledge, demands you to think.  
  
  
“Laura…”, her whisper is soft, and it sounds like poetry. You will never get tired of the way she says your name.  
  
_How could you not love someone who makes your name sound like poetry? Who makes your body feel like art?_  
  
  
“Are you sure, you want to do this?”, she asks with a squeeze to your thighs, from where she has her hands.  
  
The question reminds you of the very first time you slept with Carmilla. And how she always made sure that everything was done with your consent. You always picked on her for that (of course lovingly), but now you see the full appeal of that. And you hadn’t thought that your love for her could grow even more.  
  
“Yes.”, you respond with a quick nod, and there is this smile on her face again, and you kiss her, and you feel complete.  
  
  
Her hands are on the hem of your top in no time, and she gets it off without too much struggle, and you thread your fingers through her locks, and she hums against your mouth and sighs contentedly.  
  
You breathe her in, as her mouth descends to your newly exposed chest, her hair tickling your torso. Your arms sling around her frame, and you hold her close, while she sucks a spot on your breastbone, just right under your bra. You bury your nose in her dark curls, the scent making you weak.  
  
It’s amazing the way she makes you feel just by sheer touch, and sometimes even looks. She could set you on fire, that’s how hot she makes you feel. And her hands, so perfectly made for you, molded for you, to touch you.  
  
You brace yourself on your elbows, looking down on her from your reclined position, as she kisses down on your stomach, and then dips her tongue into your navel. Her dark eyes never leave yours, and you feel yours close slowly by the intensity of her stare and her touches.  
  
Carmilla’s thumbs dig into your skin on your hip, rubbing circles into your pelvic bone and you jerk at that. Naturally she is smug about the reaction. She chuckles quietly, and nudges your hips down again, her forearms now leaning on your thighs, as she cranes her neck and silently asks you to meet her in a kiss.  
  
You do. Of course you do. How could you ever deny her?  
  
While she does kiss you, you feel her up, and find her shirt very obstructing. So you remove it. You tug it over her head, and then her hair falls in perfect waves, and you pause a moment to really look closely (as if you hadn’t all this time), and she does too.  
  
You both smile at each other and then she’s out of your eye-line again, descending down to your abdomen, undoing the buttons on your jeans, and getting them off along with your socks. You’re almost bare in front of her, and she takes her sweet time relearning your body and the reactions of it to her touches.  
  
At some point Carmilla bites into your chest, just above the cup of your bra and the moan she gets in response makes her hum against your skin. The vibration of it making you painfully aware of how the smallest of things this woman does, can drive you wild.  
  
She sits back on the heels of her feet, tugging you along, so you’re sitting on the edge of the bed. You look at her in bewilderment, because you had thought this to go differently, but then she’s ridding you off your underwear, and her mouth latches onto the sensitive skin of your inner thigh. And you know what she wants. And you think you begin shaking underneath her.  
  
  
The sensation of feeling her tongue against you again makes you cry out and the sounds that follow are downright filthy. You don’t really have it in you to care. It’s okay that she hears how good she is. It’s okay for her to know that she still has the capability to make you come undone with her touch. And she knows how to do in record time.  
  
But this is the first time after more than six years.  
  
So it doesn’t matter that she once knew how to do all those things. She’s making love to you as if you’d both never done it before. As if your relationship, and the marriage didn’t exist. As if this is her falling in love with you for the first time, and you feel it.  
  
Because the feeling’s different, yet so similar to back then.  
  
Her right hand comes up and cups your breast through your bra. The one that she forgot to take off, once your jeans were off, and she had a new playground. And she became eager.  
  
But now she’s not. Now she’s working you slowly towards your release. And she’s only doing that with her tongue, and as much as you love it, when she fucks you, when she fills you, she is doing _this_ so well.  
  
You whisper into nothingness. It’s words you won’t even remember later on. Maybe more than half of them are curse words. And then you feel your walls clenching around her tongue, and the ache  between your legs becomes unbearable and at the same time not enough.  
  
Your breathing comes out in heavy pants, until you concentrate on solely that and then there is white noise in your ears. Carmilla once explained to you that it can be the blood rushing into your head, but you don’t think that **that’s** where all your blood is at right now.  
  
Carmilla’s arms snake around your waist, and she holds you in position, because you’re writhing against her skilled mouth, and she’s so good, and then your breathing picks up speed again, because you’re so close, and then she sucks at just the right spot and you tumble down the edge, and it takes up your whole body, and you’re spent, and Carmilla guides you down, as you lay down on her bed.  
  
  
**The bed.** It’s one of the first things you both bought in that house.  
  
  
You stare at the ceiling for far too long, until Carmilla comes into your vision. It’s blurry, and you see her smiling, and then she wipes at her chin, the remnants of your arousal still so visible. And she kisses you with wet lips, and you taste yourself on her, and it’s beautiful.  
  
Carmilla lies down fully on top of you, and kisses you a few more times, before leaning onto one arm, and playing with your hair absentmindedly, looking anywhere but your eyes.  
  
You want to tear off her clothes, and make her feel incredible, like she just did to you, but there is something on the tip of her tongue, and you know that you have to ask her what’s on her mind. Even though you’re desperate to feel her.  
  
  
“What is it?”  
  
She shakes her head slightly, as she finally meets your eyes, “It’s just… It’s been a while. I didn’t think I- I didn’t know if I still-”  
  
You don’t fully understand what she wants to say, and the horrified look on her face gives you enough indication that you shouldn’t press on further. Instead you lean forwards and kiss her shortly.  
  
“You’re amazing.”, you tell her. Even though that just was the understatement of the year.  
  
  
And when you tug on her pants, and she gets the hint and slowly undoes the button, while you watch her, you think she ignores it. Or when you touch her at just the right spot, you think it slips her mind. And you think she forgets about all her insecurities, when you come for her a third time that night and tell her just how good she is, and that you never want to get up from bed again.  
  
  
And maybe all of it feels like what a thousand _‘I love you’s_ could never convey.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Why did I write this? And why do y'all still want me to write stuff like this? Why?


	14. Easy As That

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> So many prompts flowing together here.  
> And also time jumps throughout this.

You watch _her_ while she’s sleeping.  
  
  
The comforter is gathered at her hips, and one of her arms is thrown haphazardly over her own torso.  
  
Even in her sleep she feels self-conscious.  
  
So you move that arm and watch her chest rise and fall slowly. Her sleep is deep.  
  
You’ve exhausted her in the previous night.  
  
There is a scar following a path on her sternum, and you feel a bit of dread settle in your body, because you remember.  
  
  
Every time you sleep with her, you get reminded of the accident. There are also some on her right thigh. They have all faded -it’s been more than two years now- but still you know them there. You have the clinical eye, you can distinguish between scarred tissue and regular imperfections on the human skin.  
  
  
“Carmilla, you’re staring again.”, her voice is full with sleep and you have to smile.  
  
Her eyes are closed, when you look at her face.  
  
  
“I can’t help it, you’re beautiful. Have you seen yourself in the mirror lately?”  
  
Laura slowly opens her eyes and one of her hands comes up to rub at them, and the other arm gets thrown over her exposed chest again.  
  
Or at least she _tries_ to cover herself up, as you catch her arm in time, and place a long, lingering kiss right to where the scar is.  
  
She watches you.  
  
And then there is a beat or two.  
  
And then there is a smile on Laura’s lips.  
  
  
“Good morning, beautiful.”, you murmur, after crawling up her body.  
  
She sighs against your neck, and urges you to lie down beside her again.  
  
“This is a good morning indeed.”  
  
  
  
  
You’ve been back together with her for several months now, and it’s working well.  
  
Laura has off on the weekends, and you made Sunday to your new constant off day from work. Sometimes you even manage to be free of work on Saturdays. Most of those ‘long weekends’ are spent together in one of your homes.  
  
Though all in all Laura is at your house more often than you are in her apartment.  
  
This has many practical reasons.  
  
For one, you live very close to the university she teaches at. The other practical thing may be the fact that she doesn’t pay for parking when she’s at your house, but you have to when you’re sleeping over at her place. And also the house feels more like home with her than her apartment.  
  
  
Currently she’s making you breakfast in your kitchen, while you watch her from the counter isle behind her.  
  
Laura turns around and narrows her eyes at you, “What is it with you? You’re staring a lot today.”  
  
“Can’t I look at you?”  
  
“You can… But this is… Weird.”  
  
“How are you a teacher? You have 200 faces looking at you every day.”  
  
She chuckles, “Okay, first of all, our lecture halls have a capacity for 800 people and my lectures are interesting enough to fill at least two thirds each day. So… _A lot more than 200_ , Carm… And also… They don’t look at me like _that_.”  
  
“Like **what**?”  
  
Laura’s tongue pokes out of the corner of her mouth and you get drawn to that tiny action.  
  
“Like _that_.”  
  
Your gaze moves to her eyes and she gives you this knowing look.  
  
“And how would you describe that?”  
  
“Horny teenager.”, she shrugs. You gasp. She laughs.  
  
  
  
Laura hands you over a plate and you make your way towards the small kitchen table with a jug full of orange juice. She joins you shortly after with her own plate and two glasses that she retrieved from the cupboard above the stove.  
  
  
“I just really like waking up beside you. And doing _this_ … With you.”, you admit finally.  
  
  
You’ve been meaning to talk about a certain matter with her. For quite some time now. And there is just absolutely no way you can make yourself do it. And it’s funny, really. Because you are afraid to take the risk. Even though your profession often makes you take risks one usually would not be ready to take in real life.  
  
**Funny** , _that_ is the word to describe your behavior.  
  
  
“Me too.”, Laura smiles, as she takes a sip of the orange juice you handed her.  
  
You tap the fingers of your left hand nervously against your plate, while poking at the food in front of you.  
  
  
“We have to talk about something.”, you start, and she frowns at you.  
  
“Okay?”  
  
  
Your ex wife looks at you. She’s patient and waits.  
  
And you blank out.  
  
Even though it would be a simple sentence. _Do you want to move in with me?_ A simple question. But you are scared.  
  
  
“I can’t make it for our dinner plans coming Friday.”, you steer the conversation in another direction.  
  
Laura blinks once and then exhales deeply. It looks like relief.  
  
  
“God, I thought this was gonna be something-”, but then she catches your eyes, “ **Why** are you not available?”, she asks in a softer voice. Like it is a forbidden question. Like it is not hers to know.  
  
“I’m having dinner with my mother. I actually totally forgot that we had plans, when I told you I would be able to... And you know how she gets...”  
  
She blinks again, before she gives you a sympathetic smile. She knows your relationship with your mother.  
  
Good. She believed you.  
  
You feel bad though.  
  
  
*  
  
  
_The first time Laura had been in the Karnstein house, had also been the first time they had learned of her existence. That whole evening had been a total disaster._  
  
  
_“I’m sure she is a nice young woman, but I actually would like for you to tell us when you plan on bringing home a girl.”, Carmilla’s mother spoke to her daughter, who got aggravated by the sheer utterance of those words._  
  
_“Well, you didn’t really mind the other times, mother. On second thought… You actually weren’t even there most of the time…”_  
  
_Mattie, her elder sister, was rolling her eyes from across the pair. Carmilla always had a thing for being a little over-dramatic when it came to their mother._  
  
  
_Carmilla’s father decided to save the conversation at the dinner table, “How long have you been together, dear?”_  
  
_The question was directed at Laura directly now. The poor student was shocked into silence. She was looking to her right for emotional support from her fiancée, who just took a long sip of her water. Knowing that it was inevitable and that they had to tell the truth._  
  
_Carmilla let her walk into the lion’s den. She was there, but kind of not there either. Laura understood, that Carmilla didn’t like to confront her own parents, but a little support would have been nice._  
  
  
_“We are engaged. **That’s** why I brought her home… To tell you that I’m engaged to Laura…”, Carmilla finally said, when Laura’s voice wouldn’t work._  
  
  
*  
  
  
“Miss… Would you like me to take your coat?”, the maid asks once you step into your old childhood home. You hand over the piece of clothing with a _thank you_ , before walking further into the mansion.  
  
  
“Carmilla.”, your mother says, once she spots you and walks straight to you to place a kiss on your cheek, before motioning to follow her into the living room.  
  
It seems like your mother is not going to be as intrusive as usual. It figures. She knows that you’ve made it as the chief medical director of your department. There is not much more to know. At least there wasn’t.  
  
  
“I’m so glad that you could find the time, dear.”, your mother addresses you, after fetching drinks for the both of you.  
  
She’s nice and forthcoming, and you think about how she’s changed ever since she’s retired.  
  
  
And it drives you crazy. Because she’s not like this. This is not what you are used to.  
  
Your mother is usually controlling. There is a reason you are the way you are.  
  
But you don’t want your parental relationship to be like this forever.  
  
So you take a deep breath and a long sip of your drink.  
  
  
“I have to tell you something.”, you interject, when she just is about to tell you about her new curtains.  
  
Your mother purses her lips, before regarding you with eye-contact, “Tell me.”  
  
  
There is a long pause and you panic internally. Because this was not planned at all. You did not come here to tell her. You didn’t come here with any intention, and yet here you are. Wanting to tell her. And if you tell her, she’ll know. Your whole family will know. And it will be infinitely more serious. Even though both Laura and you already agreed on it being serious.  
  
  
“Tell me your heart’s contents.”, your mother says softly. As if it were that easy.  
  
“Do you care for my wellbeing?”, it comes out as a whisper. And it’s not really how you wanted to start this.  
  
  
It’s all the lonely nights of your childhood, all the fears of not being good enough, of being a burden. You could just go. Because you don’t owe it to her. You could just come up with something else. You could come up with a lie. It’s not like she knows a lot about your life in general. The monthly calls you receive from her are all about your work.  
  
  
However, suddenly something shifts in your parent’s eyes. And it’s so profound. And so important.  
  
  
“Of course.”, her eyes widen, “Of course I care. You are my daughter. How can you say that?”  
  
  
It’s almost like she’s offended, and at the same time hurt and you can’t keep it in anymore.  
  
  
“I’m with Laura, mother. We’re back together again. And I know you’ll probably say I’m crazy, but- I just know it’s her. I want to be with her.”  
  
  
“Are you happy?”, she asks you, as she takes a sip of her drink.  
  
  
Not batting an eye.  
  
  
“Wha- Yes. I am.”  
  
  
“Why did you tell me, Carmilla? I know that you don’t give a damn about my opinions on your love life. You were with Laura for three years, without me knowing. You got engaged to her, before even bothering to tell me. If you hadn’t needed my help with the wedding, you probably still wouldn’t have told me… So why now? I’m happy that you told me, but I don’t understand.”  
  
  
She doesn’t really say it in a malevolent way. Nor does she sound judge-y. It is genuine curiosity.  
  
  
“Because I didn’t feel like lying to any of you anymore. I’m sick of hiding this.”  
  
  
And then something strange happens, as her lips curl upwards and she gives you a smile.  
  
  
“Seems like you have finally found your head again.”  
  
  
“What?”  
  
  
Your mother shrugs nonchalantly, “Darling, your divorce never made any sense to me in the first place. I understand that you have had your problems, but this generation is so weak. They don’t fight. You didn’t fight enough for her. How often do you think I wanted to leave your father? It’s a matter of will. And I truly hope this time you _both_ will be more willing.”  
  
  
  
You don’t know what you expected, but what you got was more than you could have imagined.  
  
And you’re not even sure if it is your mother getting old and sentimental or you being in love.  
  
But you tell her all of it. And you cry a little in her arms. And she hugs you like never before.  
  
  
*  
  
  
You watch Laura while she works.  
  
How she bites into the end of the red pen she’s been using to correct assignments of her students with.  
  
Laura takes the pen into her left hand, while going over the pages.  
  
Just then you see the bareness of her hands.  
  
There used to sit a diamond on her left ring finger, right to where the wedding band sat.  
  
It’s out of instinct, when you touch your own finger, on the same spot and find something missing.  
  
It’s a fleeting feeling, when she calls you over.  
  
  
“I’m almost done.”, she says, once you step behind her, to embrace her.  
  
You smirk at her unfinished coffee and take the mug with you after placing a kiss to her temple.  
  
“I’m still drinking that, Carm.”  
  
“No you’re not. You don’t like coffee.”  
  
  
You hear her footsteps behind you, when you go into the kitchen.  
  
  
“And who told you that?”  
  
She’s wearing a questioning expression, when you turn and you don’t blame yourself for loving her.  
  
God, you love her.  
  
  
“You never finish your coffees, Laura. I don’t know when you started drinking coffee like this, but I don’t see, why I should waste my expensive coffee beans on you, when you don’t even appreciate them.”  
  
“Well... You used to tell me that my sugar intake was too high, so I did cut short on my cocoa a few years ago.”  
  
  
“Ah, so you _do_ listen to me from time to time? Why didn’t it work while we were married? Why did you change that after the divorce?”  
  
  
And there you said it.  
  
The air shifts from light and playful to rigid and uncomfortable.  
  
You watch the movement of Laura’s tongue wetting her lips, before she sucks in the bottom one. Looking anywhere but you.  
  
  
And you think about it.  
  
About how you two have been going on without discussing this huge topic.  
  
One of the chapters in your life that deserves more acknowledgement. Even though it’s not the finest of your moments.  
  
  
“Do we talk about this?”, you ask out of curiosity and because you want to know how she sees it.  
  
Laura contemplates on the made offer, before shaking her head curtly, “What is there to talk about?”  
  
  
And you observe the tension in her whole being.  
  
So you approach her very slowly, taking her hands into yours.  
  
Because that calms her, and makes sure she is not floating away from you.  
  
  
“At some point we do have to talk about the divorce, you know? Or at least not flinch whenever one of us speaks of it.”, you lay out your side.  
  
“It’s always going to be something in our love story that I don’t like.”  
  
  
It’s so endearing, how she still holds onto things like that.  
  
Laura is a hopeless romantic. And secretly you are too.  
  
Maybe that’s the reason you two are like magnets clashing together over and over again.  
  
  
“And what love story is perfect? Tell me about a love that is just that easy.”  
  
She rolls her eyes, you know that look.  
  
“Aren’t we inspirational today, doctor?”  
  
“No. Just rational.”  
  
Laura smiles warmly, before humming, “That you always were, yeah.”  
  
  
*  
  
  
It’s when she undresses you.  
  
Her fingers are sloppy, her breathing frantic.  
  
Because she hasn’t seen you in a while and it’s consuming.  
  
  
_She_ is consuming.  
  
  
But there is this constant question in the back of your mind.  
  
That you have been meaning to ask for a while.  
  
And the timing is not perfect.  
  
  
  
“You should move into the house with me.” It doesn’t come out as a question.  
  
  
  
Laura pauses in all her doings and stares at you blankly.  
  
When there is no answer from her, you take the heat of the moment and just go with it.  
  
Your heart is pounding in your chest and you’re not sure if it’s because of Laura sitting on your lap with a bare torso or because of-  
  
You backtrack and just aim for her neck, hoping that she hasn’t heard, or that she took it as a joke- Anything, really.  
  
But of course she heard. Of course she took it seriously. (Well, you did mean it seriously.)  
  
  
Laura shrugs you off, backs away, and steadies herself on your body with both of her hands on your shoulders. Her breathing is still a bit shallow and quick, but her eyes aren’t as unfocused anymore, when you stare at them.  
  
  
“What did you just say?”  
  
  
“We can forget what I said.”, you give her the easy way out.  
  
  
But Laura never was a woman like that.  
  
  
“No. If you meant what you said- That you- Did you? I mean…”, she clears her throat and licks her lips and you find it all too distracting, when you just ignore her request to talk it out and engage her in a kiss. Which ends too soon, when she pulls away again, “ **Carm**.”, she says strictly.  
  
“Yes?”  
  
“Do you really want me to move in with you?”  
  
 “Yes.”  
  
“Why?”  
  
  
“Because you’ve been complaining a lot about how much traffic you have to deal with in the mornings, and I live like 5 minutes away from the university… You could walk… And… I mean… You pay a shit ton of money for that private garage spot, here you wouldn’t have to worry with that and- This neighborhood is nicer.”, that last reason is total bullshit, and you know, and she knows you know, so you drop the act, “I want you to move in with me, because I want to be coming home to you, instead of waiting for your or my next free weekend. I haven’t said anything before, because we needed the time to get to know each other again, and lately we’ve spent so much time apart because of our schedules that I got into thinking… I don’t want a 5:2 relationship with you. We’ve been together for a year now since we reunited… And I just think it’s about time.”  
  
  
Laura laughs shortly, and you gape at her. You’re currently having a crisis, and she just laughs.  
  
  
“Why didn’t you lead with the last reason?”, but before you can answer, she continues, “I’d love to move in with you. I think it would be great having you around too, but I have to wait until the end of this year for my lease to end.”  
  
  
“Okay.”, your mouth is like a gun, just shooting out the words.  
  
  
You can live with December. You can wait for two more months.  
  
  
For Christmas that year you redecorate her old study down the hall from your bedroom.  
  
  
*  
  
  
In early March you forget to go home one day.  
  
It’s not that you have reason to _not_ go home or anything.  
  
You truly forget, because one of your patients survived, even though he shouldn’t have.  
  
And it was thanks to you and your team, and you just wanted to be on-call- Just in case.  
  
  
Laura shows up in your office, while you’re napping on your desk in the morning.  
  
  
“Carmilla.”, she says and shakes you awake gently.  
  
Your eyes roam around your surroundings, before you grow alert, “What are you doing here?”  
  
“You didn’t come home last night. And I thought… I mean- You usually call and-”, she stops altogether, when she realizes in what position she’s found you in, “Are you okay?”  
  
  
“Yes.”, you tell her, but her eyebrows furrow with concern, before she sits down on the desk before you and you place your head in her lap.  
  
Her fingers trace the nape of your neck, and get buried deep in your disheveled hair, and you encircle her body and have her in a tight grasp, before releasing a breath that feels like you’ve been holding it in for too long.  
  
  
“What’s wrong?”  
  
“Nothing’s wrong… I saved someone last night, and I just wanted to be around to make sure he’s gonna be okay.”  
  
Laura chuckles softly, “My hero.”  
  
“I’m not a hero.”  
  
“For me you are. Because you don’t do those things to be heroic. Maybe that’s the point. It’s because you’re passionate about what you do. And it shows.”  
  
  
She sits with you, until you feel ready to go home, and you’re endlessly glad that you have her in your life again. It’s getting old. The feeling of acknowledging her presence like that. But still you do. Because you don’t take her for granted. Not anymore. Not since you know how it is, not being with her.  
  
  
At home you think of the day before.  
  
  
How you stood at the entrance to the ORs and told the family the good news.  
  
How the mother broke down in front of you, crying, and thanking you.  
  
How you lead her to the very alive body of her seven-year-old.  
  
  
And that was the moment you realized that there is a love that is _that easy_.  
  
It’s the love a mother has for her child.  
  
  
  
“What are you thinking about?”, Laura asks, as she hands you a cup of coffee, while curling up on the couch beside you.  
  
  
  
You imagine her as a mother. Imagine her holding a baby. Imagine her raising a child.  
  
And you imagine doing all of that with her, by her side.  
  
  
“About how much I love you.”, it’s not a lie.  
  
  
  
Later that night, when going to bed, you tell Laura that.  
  
When she’s already fallen asleep.  
  
That you are ready.  
  
  
  
You tell her about how you imagine your future to go. About how you can’t wait to have a kid with her.  
  
But you don’t tell her while she is awake, because you’re not sure she is there yet.  
  
You’ll wait, until you’re sure. You can wait a little while longer.


	15. You and I

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ah again so many prompts flowing together.  
> It's bits of a lot of chapters stringed together as one.

Carmilla has been really good to you ever since you got back together with her.  
  
All in all it’s the little things she does, not so much the loving grand gestures though.  
  
Not that there aren’t any of those.  
  
Because there are. For one, she redecorated your old study for you. She has been using that as a storage room, but now that you moved in again, she’s rearranged some things. It was her Christmas present for you. Although you don’t really use the study that often, because when she is home, you like sitting with Carmilla at the dining table and do your work.  
  
It’s the thought that counts though.  
  
  
To say that you’re really happy that she integrated you into her life so effortlessly might be an understatement.  
  
So sometimes you catch yourself staring at her. Admiring her. Just plainly being so endlessly in love with her.  
  
  
  
Carmilla looks at her phone after it beeps for the fourth time, “Oh shoot… I forgot to tell you, my mother invited us for dinner this Saturday. She is expecting you there, so you have no excuse.”  
  
It’s the first time Carmilla is adamant about you going since she told her mother about you two. And you feel a bit nervous about it.  
  
  
“She did? Uhm… What’s the occasion?”  
  
“Will is here with his family. I think that is occasion enough.”, she chuckles, and you grow confused at that.  
  
“With _his family_?”  
  
Because all you know is that he got married just before you two got divorced.  
  
She is confused for a moment, before she shakes her head in recognition, “My dear brother is a dad of a beautiful girl, and the other one is already on the way.”, Carmilla explains proudly.  
  
Your chest tightens. It aches, because you’ve had a niece without knowing. Even though technically you wouldn’t qualify as an aunt anymore.  
  
  
“Will’s a dad…”, you mumble. This is a new revelation.  
  
“Yeah.”, something in Carmilla’s expression changes, before it gets replaced with an excited smile, “I have pictures of her actually…”, she unlocks her phone and scrolls through some photos, before handing it to you, “This is Vivienne, she’s six now. I haven’t seen her since shortly before you moved in actually.”  
  
You have never seen Carmilla so excited about kids, but you figure it’s different when they are related to you. The girl has dark hair, just like Will and Carmilla. You have seen baby pictures of them both, and there definitely is a resemblance. However her eyes are the blue of Claire’s.  
  
  
“Why haven’t you ever told me about her?”  
  
Carmilla shrugs, “It never really came up. Ever since Will and Claire moved to the States, I only see her sporadically. I send money though. For her birthday and for Christmas.”  
  
“You saw her, when we already were seeing each other again, and it didn’t come up? I mean if I wasn’t the outsider to your family already- This just makes it worse, Carm.”  
  
“Laura, sweetheart, I really didn’t intend on not telling you. Forgive me for making you my number one priority, when all of _that_ happened. I genuinely just didn’t think of it.”, Carmilla turns your head towards hers and raises her eyebrows in expectance, “Do you forgive me for not telling you?”  
  
She’s teasing you. You know her fairly well, and held the title of being her wife once, so you would say you know her well enough. And this is her way of coaxing some sort of reaction from you. Something she would call adorable- Which you totally are not, because 32-year-olds **aren’t** adorable.  
  
You roll your eyes at her, unimpressed by her antics, “Dramatic much again?”, you give her a short peck on her lips, before continuing, “We have to like… Buy her things… Because uhm… You don’t see her that often and it would be-”  
  
“Laura?”, she places a hand on your arm, and you meet her eyes again, “She will adore you. Don’t worry about that.”  
  
  
*  
  
  
Keeping conversation with the Karnsteins has always been a bit difficult in the past. Especially whenever Carmilla would start one of her infamous fights with one of her family members (her mother being her most favorite for that sort of thing from the whole batch), but you really don’t know when all the dynamics changed.  
  
There she is, your ex-wife sitting with her six-year-old niece on her lap, and trying to engage in a conversation about law and legislature -which you admit, you have tuned out of most of the time.  
  
It’s much more interesting to watch Carmilla handle the kid. Because she is absolutely fantastic with her, and from this little gathering, one wouldn’t be able to tell that she doesn’t see her that often, because the girl worships her.  
  
Carmilla doesn’t even mind that Vivienne at some point bites into her hand to get her attention, she gives it to her the moment she realises that she in fact has been neglecting her a little, while trying to prove her brother wrong in things she actually should have no idea of.  
  
  
“Have you already said thank you to Laura?”, Carmilla points at the car in her niece’s hand that you got for her, “She bought you this.”  
  
At that the girl, who hasn’t really paid much attention to you before, turns her head towards you.  
  
“Really?”, she asks, and you see Carmilla smile over Vivienne’s shoulder, “Because usually strangers get me Barbie dolls, because I’m a girl. Only auntie Millie and auntie Mattie know what I like.”  
  
Carmilla embraces her fully now and squeezes her from behind, “What did I say about calling me ‘auntie Millie’? Now say that I’m your favorite, say it!”  
  
“Daddy says not to favour.”, the girl replies sweetly and you have to chuckle.  
  
“Your daddy is-”  
  
Will interrupts his sister’s attempt at insulting him, “Ah, ah, ah, no bad words in front of the children until they are like 16, _Millie_. We agreed.”  
  
“Oh god. I was just gonna say that you are _boring_. Would you please calm down?”, Carmilla rolls her eyes, and whispers something into Vivienne’s ear before she jumps from her lap and sits next to you on the couch.  
  
  
“You have pretty hair. No one in this family has light hair. Yours is pretty.”, Vivienne comments and you crouch down a bit to be able to look at her better.  
  
“And you have pretty eyes.”, you tell her, because she does.  
  
“I think you are nice. I’d like to sit next to you during dinner.”, she announces and jumps away again, “Mommy, I’m going to be sitting next to Laura! I like her!”  
  
  
“Well that was fast. You know how to charm girls, Hollis.”, Carmilla scoots over to where you are sitting and reaches out her hand for you to hold it.  
  
“Uhm yes. The girls in this family have a soft spot for fast cars and compliments about their looks.”  
  
  
  
Vivienne really does sit next to you during dinner, while Carmilla is to her right. She’s completely content sitting opposite to her parents who have been smiling oddly in your direction this whole time. Entirely too much for your liking.  
  
You shoot Will a questioning look, and he just raises an eyebrow and shakes his head.  
  
  
“Laura, dear, I’m glad that Carmilla finally decided to show up with you for once. She’s declined every invitation up until now. I must say, I missed seeing you at the dinner tables for all the important occasions.”, Archie, Carmilla’s father tells you.  
  
Well, it actually was your idea, because you didn’t really feel up to it. It would have been a bit intense, even though you already know her parents. You look over Vivienne to your girlfriend, who sends you an encouraging smile.  
  
“Well now we are here together, father.”, she answers. And you understand why she wanted you here. She wanted you to meet the updated family.  
  
  
“Why did you miss those occasions?”, a perky voice beside you chimes up, and you look down to see blue wondering eyes directed at you. Children and their curiosity.  
  
“Oh- Uhm, because see… Your aunt and I… You do get our relationship right...?”  
  
“You like kissing each other. Just like my daddy and mommy.”  
  
“Eh, right. So… Carm and I… We were- I mean, we still are. But we didn’t see each other for a while in-between.”  
  
“But I thought that you have to be with someone forever, when you kiss them on the mouth? My daddy told me not to kiss anyone too soon.”, the last part is a whisper, and internally you laugh at Will’s attempts, before concentrating on the main issue again.  
  
  
Your heart is pounding in your chest, because you didn’t really come here with the anticipation of having to explain the complexity of your love life to a six-year-old. Carmilla seems just as tense as you, when you look over for help.  
  
“See Viv, sometimes it works like that, you know? Remember that time you fought with Charlie and then one of you said sorry and everything was right again? Because both of you choose that the friendship was more important than what made you two not like each other anymore?”, Vivienne nods, “That’s kinda how it worked for us too, you know? We also had a rough time in-between, but I love her so much that I don’t want what broke us apart once to dictate how our relationship is now. Laura is important to me, and that’s why we are together again.”  
  
You are not sure if the kid understood half of what Carmilla just said, but it is good enough. She does get the idea. You hope.  
  
  
“Has Laura said mean things to you?”, the girl questions, and you look over to Will, whose jaw clenches.  
  
He’s been civil about everything, and you know he doesn’t hate you. However, he is Carmilla’s brother and both him and Mattie couldn’t have been too thrilled to hear about you divorcing their sister. So you figure that this topic -while he may be happy for his sister that everything is fine now- is not a very pleasant one.  
  
  
“No, it isn’t like that. We both were at fault. But don’t worry about that, okay? It’s in the past.”, Carmilla assures her, and then meets your gaze after the girl gives her a hum in acknowledgement and returns to her food, as if nothing just happened. Talk about attention span.  
  
When Carmilla reaches out behind Vivienne’s chair, you meet her halfway and squeeze her hand and send her a mouthed _‘I love you’_ and the pounding in your chest shifts into a fluttering, when she gives you one of her shy smiles.  
  
You decide then that yeah, you are able to love Carmilla Karnstein a little bit more than you did before.  
  
  
  
After getting into the car you lean over and give your girlfriend a proper kiss.  
  
Because one, you haven’t kissed her in a while. And you find that she has pretty great lips, and a well shaped mouth for that. Also maybe you do that, because you missed her lots in there. Plus, what Carmilla said at dinner, might have melted your heart a little.  
  
(You are a sucker for her romantic side- or anything regarding her love towards you, really.)  
  
  
“What was that for?”, Carmilla wants to know, once you break apart.  
  
You find her eyes closed still and lean in for another slow kiss, until she cups the back of your head and pulls you in more fiercely, and you remember where you are and you stop her with a gentle push to her bare shoulder.  
  
You love when she wears dresses. Because she has a body like a goddess. Her usual scrubs or formal attire (of course she doesn’t wear dresses to work) disguise her well-shaped body, even though she is not 22 anymore. You trace her protruding collarbone with your index, before her eyes open and she looks at you in that certain way.  
  
  
“I’d like for you to take me home.”, you tell her, “I don’t want your parents to see us make out in their driveway.”  
  
“My parents are probably on the other side of the mansion, Laura.”, she whines, but understands, starting her car and putting it into drive.  
  
You have to bite your lip, because you know that tone, but then you remember something.  
  
  
“The study is right.”  
  
Carmilla looks at you in confusion, stopping everything, although seconds ago she was ready to drive home.  
  
“What are you talking about?”  
  
“The study. About women liking men more, when they prove to be good with children. I mean- In this case it’s you, because you’re like my general type in that matter, but- That’s like so true.”  
  
  
You match her gaze and Carmilla seems to be somewhere else, when you do.  
  
“Do you think I’m good with kids?”  
  
That question throws you over board. Because you’ve only seen her with Vivienne. She refused to even come near one, back when you took her home for Thanksgiving with your whole extended family. Your youngest cousin Lewis called her _‘the scary one’_ two years after that.  
  
“I- I mean, you’re really good with your niece. She loves you.”  
  
Carmilla starts to ramble about her, and you’ve seriously never seen her like this. So excited to talk about something -or rather a _someone_ \- that hasn’t anything to do with medicine or is named Laura Hollis, “…I was there actually. When she was born. Because Will is a douche and was working, when it happened. I was the first to hold her. She was so tiny. I-”  
  
She catches your eyes, and stops immediately.  
  
  
“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to bore you-”  
  
“What? No, you didn’t bore me… I’m just surprised.”, you tell her, “Because I didn’t know. All of this. I didn’t know.”  
  
“Didn’t know what?”  
  
“That uh- **That** changed… That you like kids now. But I guess it comes with those eyes. I mean, damn. She had me wrapped around her finger, just like that.”  
  
“Oh… Well yeah. You should see how Mattie gets around her. I’m glad Viv is not gonna be an only-child for too long. Imagine all of that love she gets being the first born niece to this family.”  
  
  
“Yeah well, what is she to do, when Mattie and you-”, you cut yourself off, because that sentence would imply a lot of things that you are not really ready to talk about in a car right now.  
  
  
“When we **what**?”  
  
“When you guys won’t stop spoiling her?”  
  
_Good save, Hollis._  
  
Better than _‘When you guys won’t deliver the cousins that Vivienne has to share her love with?’_  
  
  
Carmilla just shrugs, and finally leaves the driveway and the thought occupies your mind for the rest of the night.  
  
  
*  
  
  
Carmilla has been a bit busy at the hospital lately. And you have tried to bury yourself in your own job. But it doesn’t work so easily. You think that there is something between you now. Something you are scared to say.  
  
Because all you know is that Carmilla still is a bit apprehensive when it comes to diving right in. Whatever that might mean. You don’t even know. It just feels like you have to hold yourself back. Because you don’t want to scare her away. But you do have questions. A lot of them.  
  
The talk with her a few weeks ago in her car hasn’t left your mind. Because it opened your eyes in regards to your relationship. You two are in a good place now, but what is to come now? How can you evolve? And how can you ask her without asking the wrong thing?  
  
You thought about this too intently. About the fact that you’re both maybe waiting too long. Because you’ve been together again for quite some time. Your one year anniversary was several months ago. It’s already June. And time is flying. But you two are static. Not moving forwards, although this would be the best time to do it.  
  
You have already wasted too much time.  
  
  
“I can practically hear you thinking, Laura.”, she says with a smirk, and you smile sheepishly at her next to you.  
  
“Sorry. Was I fidgeting too much? I tend to play with my pen a lot, when I think about something.”  
  
She puts away the New England Journal of Medicine that she has been reading and chuckles.  
  
  
“I know, Laura. And no, it was more the staring into nothingness that gave you away.”  
  
“Sorry, I’m just a bit bored.”  
  
“Wow ouch, does your student deserve my pity?”, she cocks her head towards the assignment you’ve been correcting.  
  
“What? No- I’m just a bit out of it. Looking forward to the academic holidays. I need those.”  
  
Carmilla scoffs, “Ah yes. Brag about it. You’re very lucky, you know?”  
  
“I also work hard, Carmilla… I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to brag-”  
  
She shakes her head and turns fully to you, “Don’t apologise, I was joking. I know you work hard. I didn’t mean it like that.”  
  
You sigh, and nod, when she places her hand on your back and digs her fingers into your muscles.  
  
  
“You’re tense.”  
  
“Uuuh, that makes for good foreplay.”, you joke.  
  
Carmilla snorts, “I didn’t mean it like that… Come on, tell me _the real thing_ that’s been going through your mind. I know that there is something.”  
  
“Ah no, it’s nothing.”  
  
She frowns, and you see her contemplating on what to say, but you take it from her.  
  
  
“Carmilla, I mean it. It’s nothing to talk about now. I will, when I have thought about it properly.”  
  
“Oh god, you’re making it sound so serious.”  
  
“It is serious, but you gotta trust me that I will tell you everything in time. Just need to figure things out.”  
  
“Okay…”  
  
“Okay?”  
  
You actually expected her to nag you until you spill, but this is a nice exchange.  
  
“Yes. Okay. You’ll tell me, and I’ll wait.”  
  
“It’s nothing bad…”  
  
You think.  
  
  
*  
  
  
One day Carmilla picks you up from work, and your colleague and friend Lola Perry recognises her as your doctor back from when you had the accident.  
  
You hadn’t really told her what she was to you, however she knows that you are seeing someone currently, and it really isn’t hard counting one and one together.  
  
  
So when you get to work the day after that incident, you tell Perry all about it. You tell her about your past, and the present. And that’s where you get stuck, because you don’t know what the future will hold for you.  
  
You seriously don’t. And it’s a bit terrifying, because as much as you love where both Carmilla and you are, you need more certainty in that field. You tell Perry about your thoughts, about what you think is lacking.  
  
So Perry gives you an advice: to take matters in your hand. To not always wait for everything.  
  
You text Carmilla that day, telling her you would like to go out to dinner with her sometime that week.  
  
Carmilla clears out her schedule on a Thursday for you, and you have two days to think about what you want to say.  
  
And you do something reckless on that day too.  
  
  
*  
  
  
“This is really nice.”, she comments, once you are both seated in the restaurant you picked out, “And it was nice of you to pick me up from work.”  
  
“Yes. I wanted to be romantic, and that was a romantic thing to do. Because this… Uh- This- We don’t get to be on dates that often and I thought this would be nice.”  
  
You seriously don’t know how you are a teacher of the English language, because whenever you try to flirt with Carmilla, you get degraded to this stumbling mess. Alright, some of it might have something to do with this whole situation.  
  
  
“How was work, Carm?”, you ask her in-between courses, and she nods while she’s chewing on her bread.  
  
“Good. Uh, yours?”  
  
She’s a bit nervous too, and you seriously don’t understand why. Because you are supposed to be the one that’s nervous. You are okay with being this mess, but Carmilla usually is very cool and eloquent.  
  
“Also good. Are you enjoying your food?”  
  
“I honestly would eat anything right now.”, she admits, but catches onto what that might imply, “But uhm no- This is good. _Really_ good. Thank you for taking me out like this. We haven’t really done this in a while. Spending time together like this…”  
  
“Yes. I wanted to do something special tonight, and I actually wanted to talk to you about something.”  
  
Wait no, that’s **not** how you should have started this.  
  
But at that she grows alert, and gives you her full attention, “Oh? Okay then. Go on.”  
  
“Well not like this.”, you roll your eyes at her.  
  
“Is this the thing you wanted to talk about some weeks ago? The thing you said you would tell me when the time comes?”  
  
“Kind of, yes.”  
  
“Because us going out today is actually a good thing… I wanted to talk to you about something too, and I’ll start first if you like?”  
  
  
At her words something gets lifted off your chest, but at the same time you haven’t anticipated for her to want to talk about things. Because Carmilla is looking at you in that one way and you don’t know what to make of it. Because she looks happy, but it sounded like she wanted to talk about something important with you. So you can’t let her take this away from you.  
  
  
“You are not planning on proposing, are you?”  
  
“What?!”, she asks shocked, but catches herself soon, “No, if I was going to do that, I obviously wouldn’t be doing it like this. I would have planned something big -Plus, you asked me out to dinner, why would I-”  
  
“Okay no! You can’t go on like this! Because if you say this now, everything will be ruined and I won’t ever say what I want to say- Because I will be thinking this isn’t enough, but I think this is enough, because like, this is my weird kind of romantic gesture- So- I’m just gonna say it out loud: I think we should get married again. If that is something you’d like. _Or not._ But I’d like to. And also I have a ring here somewhere…”, you fumble around in your purse, and pull out the small squared, velvet box, “And like… I saw it and thought- Boom! This screams _Carmilla_ , because see, this is a black diamond and it’s like really rare, I have never seen something like this -although, okay I have never been ring shopping, so who knows- and-”  
  
You can’t finish what you were about to say, because Carmilla gets up from where she was seated, walks around the table, and kisses you out of the blue. You get lost in that sensation for a while, until you realise where you are, and you break apart awkwardly.  
  
  
“You were right. It doesn’t matter how one does it. It matters _who_ does it.”, she says with a smile and you still didn’t hear a yes.  
  
“So you think it’s a good idea- Uhm to get married, I mean?”  
  
“Well, we would have to do it anyway, I guess.”  
  
  
You _still_ haven’t heard a yes.  
  
  
“Carm, be serious please. I need you to -like- **not** joke now. And also my heart’s gonna -like- explode if you don’t give me an answer.”  
  
“Good thing I’m the right doctor for those cases then...”, she states smugly, and you wanna punch her in the face (but you of course _wouldn’t_ , because you love her, and you love her face and even that smug look on that stupidly attractive face). “Also you didn’t really ask a question, you know?”  
  
“Oh.”, yeah, you are a true charmer, Hollis, “And I’m supposed to get down on my knees or something- God, I’m so glad _you_ did it the first time, because as you see, I’m a romantic disaster…”, you clear your throat, “Anyways, I’m not gonna make you sit down again, because this has caused enough of a scene- Carmilla Mary-Ellen Karnstein, do you think you wanna marry me again?”  
  
“Cheesy.”, she says with a shake of her head, “And okay, I’ll do it.”  
  
“ _I’ll do it?_   This is your real answer, Karnstein?”, you slap her shoulder playfully.  
  
Carmilla bares her teeth in a huge smile and relents finally, “Yes, I’ll marry you.”  
  
“Really? Like… For real?”  
  
“Uhm yes?”, she says, as she cocks her head towards the ring box that is still sat on the table, “Here is the part where you slip that rock onto my finger.”  
  
  
You do exactly that, but after that you realise something.  
  
  
“Wait, what do you mean with _‘we would have to do it anyway’_?”  
  
Carmilla sighs, as she kisses your right hand, “I’ll tell you at home, when we’re in a more private setting. I did not really expect you to jump me with a ring or anything.”  
  
  
You don’t get dessert that evening (and you _love_ dessert) so that you can get home as soon as possible.  
  
  
  
  
“Do you wanna tell me what you meant now?”, you ask the second you walk into the house, and she doesn’t respond right away.  
  
Instead she leads you up the stairs and into the bedroom, where she gestures for you to sit on the bed.  
  
  
“Why do you want to get married?”, she asks a question back, and you find that it is a legitimate one.  
  
“Because I love you, and because I feel like we’ve been with each other for long enough, and I don’t want to spend the rest of my life as roommates. **You and I**. We agreed that this is it for both of us, so why don’t make it official again? A new start. For the both of us. Despite of what happened in the past.”  
  
Carmilla nods, as if what you say makes total sense to her.  
  
“Have you ever thought about what it means? What we both are also missing?”  
  
Okay, now she lost you on that one, so she carefully sits beside you and takes your hand. She does it, whenever she wants to say something important. It’s like making sure, you don’t float away. You’ve noticed this a lot.  
  
  
  
“I want a kid. I want to start a family with you, Laura.”


	16. Let's Do This

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I've had so many wedding prompts (as in the first one) that I decided to deliver.  
> This chapter is built up weirdly, but I hope you don't get too confused.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Before you read: cursive is past (as in a few days/hours ago) and the past-past has a header anyway.  
> Thank you for still reading, hitting up my inboxes on my social media etc. about this.  
> It motivates me, even though I sometimes feel too out of it or whatever.
> 
> Here, receive some cyber smoochies from me,
> 
> XXX

_Carmilla was a bit nervous. It was one thing telling her mother about being with Laura again._  
  
_Now that that had happened, Laura also had wanted to tell her own parent._  
  
_And even though they had anticipated him to take it well, there was still a bit of anxiety involved._  
  
  
  
_“Thank you for inviting me over, Sherman.”, the doctor said, while Laura was in his kitchen trying to find the right wine for all of them._  
  
  
  
_“Yeah sure…”, he looked in direction of said kitchen, and lowered his voice, “I think Laura is seeing someone.”_  
  
_Carmilla almost choked on her own spit, “ **What?”** , she croaked and then cleared her throat, “Where did you get that idea?”_  
  
_She didn’t know if this situation was comical or not. Maybe for outsiders. Probably._  
  
_Sherman sighed, “She usually spends one Sunday a month here, **with me** , but for quite some time she always schedules something on the weekdays… I mean… I don’t know if she has mentioned anything to you-”_  
  
  
_Just in that moment Laura walked in, handing wine glasses to them both, “What are you guys talking about?”_  
  
_“Oh nothing, nothing.”, her father shook his head and gave Carmilla a piercing look._  
  
  
_“Your father thinks you’re seeing someone.”, Carmilla said, as she took a sip of her offered wine._  
  
_Unfortunately she said it, when Laura was about to do the same, and now some of the wine was on Sherman’s wooden floor, due to her squeal (Carmilla should have thought about her timing before)._  
  
_Laura’s father was quick in getting a napkin for his daughter, before sitting down on his armchair again with a curious look on his face._  
  
  
_“Alright, **spill**.”, he said, not thinking of his wording._  
  
_“Already did! Hehe.”, Laura turned bright red, and Carmilla felt really bad, but at the same time found the situation too good to be true._  
  
_“Laura…”, he warned._  
  
_The teacher rolled her eyes and pointed at Carmilla, “I’m seeing **her**.”_  
  
  
_At that her parent slapped his hand against the armrest and spoke triumphantly, “I knew it!!!”_  
  
_“Wait! **How** did you know about it?”, Laura wanted to know with a look of disbelief._  
  
_“I saw you two drive here together! Do you think you are subtle?”_  
  
_Sherman stood up and crossed his living room to get to where Carmilla was sitting and hugged her._  
  
_Pardon, he **suffocated** her._  
  
  
_Laura observed the two favorite people in her world and shook her head in offence, “Excuse me… Hello? **I’m** the…”, they weren’t even paying attention to her, “I’m **just** your daughter that lived under this roof for eighteen years… Yeah, no… That probably has no value…”_  
  
  
_But when she saw Carmilla’s smile matching her irritation, everything dissipated._  
  
_Oh well, she could share her father’s love with the love of her life._  
  
_She would do it every day, without a second thought._  
  
  
*  
  
  
Laura is stood by the door and gnawing on her left index finger. Mindlessly she drives her other hand through her hair and they stay in an odd place. Never does she wear her hair like that. She thinks it’s too messy.  
  
She looks sexy like that though -not that she doesn’t always- but right now you’d like to rip off her clothes -of which she isn’t wearing too many anyways- and do ungodly things to her, but you are in the middle of something.  
  
  
“We have to tell him.”, she says after what you think is an eternity.  
  
“I know.”  
  
“He’s gonna kill me.”  
  
“I think he’d kill _me_ first.”  
  
  
*  
  
  
_“I want a kid. I want to start a family with you, Laura.”_  
  
_The moment Carmilla said it, Laura’s breath got stolen away._  
  
  
_“ **What?”**_  
  
_“I mean- Only if you’d like that too…”_  
  
_Suddenly the doctor backtracked. She wasn’t sure if that was the right moment to talk about that topic. Laura had proposed to her only an hour ago, and Carmilla thought that that was her sign. The sign that Laura would maybe be ready for that too._  
  
  
_“You really want that?”, Laura’s expression didn’t give away anything, except maybe her shocked state, “After all of this… Do you really want this? **Now?** ”_  
  
_Carmilla shook her head, “What’s that supposed to mean? What do you mean, **now**?”_  
  
_“You just got the position you’ve always dreamt about. You are telling me that you want to have a kid **now**? That’s a lot of responsibilities, Carm.”_  
  
_“I’m well aware of what comes with having a kid. I practically lived at Will’s the first few months Viv was born. That was, before the asshat moved away.”, she said the last part with a roll of her eyes._  
  
_“So you’re super serious about this? You… You want to raise that hypothetical kid or kids, plural, with **me**?”_  
  
_For the first time Carmilla really paused and blinked a few times, before answering surely._  
  
  
  
_“You’re the love of my life. Of course I want to do it with **you.** ”_  
  
  
*  
  
  
“You’re his precious daughter-in-law. He’d totally kill me first.”, Laura tells you, and gives you a playful glare.  
  
  
You raise your left hand and show off your ring finger, “Not if your wife has a say in this.”  
  
Laura looks at it for a second, before she averts her gaze.  
  
  
“He’s gonna kill us both.”  
  
  
*  
  
  
_Laura came home later than usual._  
  
_And she also was a bit more drunk than usual._  
  
  
_“Carm…?”, the teacher climbed into their shared bed clumsily and woke up her fiancé in the process (which had been her agenda anyways), “Carmilla, you awake?”_  
  
_“What? Yes- Did something- You’re drunk.”, the woman realised, and quickly a wave of panic washed over her._  
  
_Laura should never be drunk driving. She had been out with a few of her old friends that were in town for a high school reunion, and had taken the car. And now she was at home, drunk. Carmilla had a tolerance for a lot of things, but with being a doctor that sees a lot of trauma due to intoxicated drivers in their OR, she was extra careful when it came to that subject._  
  
_Also, she wanted a child with that woman. Laura couldn’t be that irresponsible, could she?_  
  
  
_“Relax, I took a cab.”_  
  
_Something lifted off Carmilla’s chest, and she exhaled deeply. However, now she had to deal with Laura’s inebriated state._  
  
  
_“Ok drunkie, maybe you should sleep it off. And y’know also let **me** sleep? Because I have to get up at 4 today-”_  
  
_Laura didn’t let Carmilla finish, but covered her mouth with her own, which made the dark haired woman hum into the kiss._  
  
  
_“Let’s elope, Carm.”, Laura whispered._  
  
  
_The doctor needed a few seconds to process (with her mind still stuck a bit in the land of sleep), but when she did, she jolted awake instantly._  
  
  
_“What?!”_  
  
  
_“Let’s elope. Let’s get married. **Now.** Let’s do this. I want you. I want to be married to you again. As soon as possible.”, to make her point clear, she clutched desperately at Carmilla’s sleep shirt. _  
  
  
_There was something frantic in the way Laura was grabbing at the other woman. Her eyes were glazed over, and there was something about that that made Carmilla’s heart ache. She saw a bit of the Laura that lay in her hospital bed, all broken and unsure, almost three years ago._  
  
  
_“Sweetheart, I…”, the dark haired woman drove a hand threw her hair, “I don’t think you mean that right now-”_  
  
  
_“I mean it. I swear. I thought about it. So much. I want you.”_  
  
  
_Carmilla chuckled, although she didn’t feel like laughing. Drunk Laura was kind of scary in her neediness. Not that Carmilla minded her being needy, but this was different._  
  
  
_“I want you too, but-”_  
  
  
_“But you don’t want to get married to me now?”_  
  
  
_“Okay, wait- No, that’s **not** what I said. I want to, **I do** \- But even if you were sober and telling me this- which you clearly are not- We would have to wait until tomorrow anyway.”_  
  
  
_“If I ask you again tomorrow, will you marry me?”_  
  
  
_That took Carmilla off guard.  
  
Would she? Of course she would.  
  
When she had said yes, it wasn’t just an empty promise.  
  
She had said yes to Laura, because she really wanted to be with her.  
  
  
In every level possible._  
  
  
_“Yes. If you still want to tomorrow, we’ll get married right away.”_  
  
  
_“Not tell anyone, and not let anything get in the way.”_  
  
  
_“Yeah.”, Carmilla’s brow creased, and she really didn’t know where all of that came from._  
  
  
_But everything faded, when Laura lay her head on her chest and found her usual position._  
  
  
_That was where she was meant to be._  
  
  
*  
  
  
“Relax. He is our _number one shipper_ , Laura.”, you tell her, while she chews on her nails like a teenager and paces around in the room.  
  
“I mean he’s gonna kill us anyway, because I didn’t tell him that I was gonna propose, but now that _we’re actually married_ … He’s gonna have an heart attack. He’s gonna die. I will be the cause of my father’s passing. They’ll be like _‘There goes Laura, his daughter, and killer’_ at the funeral.”  
  
You can’t listen to her ridiculous ramblings anymore, so you walk out of your bedroom and down the stairs.  
  
  
“Wait- Carm… Why are you so unfazed by this?”  
  
  
Laura follows you to the kitchen, where you turn on the coffee machine and go through your cabinets in search of your beloved coffee beans.  
  
  
“Carm?”  
  
  
There is something deep inside your chest, a feeling you don’t like, and it’s threatening to explode. That’s why you came downstairs. To lessen the flame, but Laura (the woman she is) of course manages to put a spark right where you don’t need it.  
  
You don’t answer her. Instead you busy yourself with the coffee machine. You ogle the rock that is decorating your left ring finger along with the newly joined wedding band, recalling the time Laura and you got married for the first time.  
  
  
*  
  
**10 years ago…**  
  
  
_Carmilla was looking at herself in the mirror. She watched every of her own movements closely, for she didn’t want to forget anything of that day. She wanted to be in that moment. The twenty-six year old let her own eyes wander down from where her dress started low on her chest to the way it cascaded down her lean figure._  
  
  
_“You look beautiful, sissy.”, her sister smiled at her through the mirror, “I still can’t believe you are getting married before me.”_  
  
  
_The doctor turned her head to meet Mattie’s gaze, “I’m getting married today.”_  
  
  
*  
  
You are brought out of your little reverie, when Laura wraps her arms around your waist, “Are we not talking to each other anymore?”  
  
  
“Do you regret it?”  
  
  
That is a question you have asked yourself ever since she started this. The pacing. The panicking.  
  
Laura’s body behind you stiffens and you hear her sharp inhale.  
  
“What? No. Why would you say that?”  
  
  
It’s a loving and encouraging gesture, you think, when your left hand finds her left one and you intertwine your fingers. But you can’t hide the hurt with loving gestures. You can’t act like it doesn’t affect you in some way. That you have become insecure in what you do.  
  
  
“Carmilla… Come on, look at me.”, she gently demands and you turn around. Although you don’t meet her gaze right away. She makes you do that, when she lifts up your chin, “Why’d you ask me that?”  
  
“Because all I hear is how your father is going to be pissed about this… It’s like you’re telling me we made a mistake.”  
  
“No, no, no…”, she huffs out and rolls her eyes, “God, we've been married for less than 48 hours, and you already are twisting my words around.”  
  
Laura’s tries to be playful and to lift up the situation don’t go unnoticed by you. So you give her a smile. Albeit a weak one.  
  
This is serious. Because her behavior made you believe you moved too fast. It made you believe that she is just now catching up on all of the consequences.  
  
However Laura never failed to surprise you.  
  
  
“To be honest, I thought you might regret this a little.”, your wife starts, and you don’t understand when you could have given her that impression, “I mean, I sorta overran you with the proposal, and then kinda made you do this- Uhm get married without any family or friends… I just… I kinda feel bad now. Because you deserve to get a ceremony… And I kinda gave you the cheap wedding thing- Which is like so not the main point, because we both don’t have financial problems, but it’s just…”  
  
“It’s what?”  
  
Laura sighs, before biting her lip. And you know it to be one of the things she does, when she feels guilty about something.  
  
“I mainly feel a bit bad, because I had reason behind all of that eloping business… When I went out with my old friends, they all talked about how they already have three kids or like found the perfect husband. And I was like… _Carm and I got divorced, but we’re together again_ … I mean… I was the first one to get married out of my friends’ circle. And it kinda sucked to be the one with the least to have accomplished in those past ten years… Do you get me?”  
  
You have to disagree with her, because what she says is not true at all.  
  
“Laura, you have a PhD, you teach at a university, you have reached enough. With or without me. Being married to me isn’t really an accomplishment, if we go by that.”  
  
“For me it is.”, she shrugs, “I just wanted this to plan out perfectly from the start you know? The fairy tale story? The together forever thing? It was like that in my mind, and so I wanted to finally be with you. We were apart for so long, I just wanted to be married to you finally. I want this so bad, and you love me so much that you of course said yes. And it makes me so, so selfish, because I never ever asked you what you wanted…”  
  
“And what makes you think I wanted to wait? That I needed a dumb ceremony? That I don’t want that as much as you want?”, you raise your eyebrows at her, and she looks almost shy.  
  
“You do?”  
  
  
*  
  
  
**10 years ago…**  
  
  
_“I love you. I can’t believe that we’re married now.”, Carmilla whispered into Laura’s neck at their first dance together as newlyweds._  
  
_The younger girl laughed silently, before it turned into a delighted giggle._  
  
_Carmilla drew back, an offended look taking over her face, “I profess my love for you, and you just laugh?”_  
  
_Laura’s laughter almost turned into the hysteric type, “I’m sorry, but it’s just…”_  
  
_“What?”_  
  
_“When I first met you, I never would have thought that I’d once get married to you.”_  
  
_“Rude.”_  
  
  
*  
  
  
“Come with me.”, you hold out your hand, and Laura takes it, trailing behind you to the living room, where you stop by the shelf to retrieve your wedding albums- the old ones.  
  
Those two selfies you took on your phone at the registry office don’t really count, but still. You feel the need to be specific with those things.  
  
“What do you want with those now?”  
  
“I wanna show you that you already have given me all I could ask for.”  
  
  
*  
  
  
_Carmilla sat beside Laura in the waiting room._  
  
_The professor wished she had at least thought of getting flowers or anything. Laura Hollis really go by as a synonym for romantic kryptonite. She didn’t understand why Carmilla loved her so endlessly. She really was a natural when it came to being awkward and shitty at romantic grand gestures._  
  
_Carmilla deserved flowers, and a couple of hundred guests gawking at her for being so freaking gorgeous, and she deserved string quartets playing her favorite classical songs, and a hundred white pigeons, and, and…_  
  
_She simply deserved the world._  
  
  
_“Hollis and Karnstein, please.”, some monotonous voice said over the speaker._  
  
  
_And when Laura looked Carmilla in the eyes, she was everything she ever could hope for.  
  
  
How could she not want to marry her then?  
  
How could she think about waiting just for another second?  
  
She thought she was being selfish, but did it feel invigorating to think like that. To act like that._  
  
  
_“Let’s get married.”, Carmilla smiled._  
  
  
_“Let’s do this.”_  
  
  
*  
  
  
“We had it all, Laura. I don’t know why you’re so fixated on getting your fairy tale story. But I think we make a good love story.”, you tell her, while her eyes roam around every corner of the picture she’s currently looking at.  
  
  
She hesitates, before regarding you with her attention.  
  
  
“It’s because I want _you_ to have it. It’s not only about me, Carm. **You** deserve all the good on this earth, you deserve the fairy tale stories. I want that for **you**.”  
  
  
“Then stop dreaming about it, and live it with me.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> P.S.: This thing is gonna end soon.  
> I think like roughly 20 little one shots would suffice?  
> And yes, they are still one shots, because they don't really follow timelines.  
> Muhahahahah. ( Stop telling me it is like a regular multi chapter fic... It is not okay? :O )


	17. Carmilla, I'm Pregnant

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The title says it all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *lurks out of the shadows* Here, I have something for you hehehe.  
> But... But I swear it had badass reasons for being absent again!  
> I hope you enjoy it, all the hugs and kisses to you lovelies!
> 
>  
> 
> X

You like your hands to be clean and dry.  
  
Always when prepping for a surgery, you make sure to follow the exact steps.  
  
You wash your hand up to your wrist, then you do it again until you’ve covered half of your forearm with soap, and then you do the full arm, right until you reach the elbow.  
  
Three times, for approximately one minute each.  
  
You take your sweet time though, because you take your job seriously.  
  
There is reason behind everything.  
  
You need to make sure the risk of infecting the patient with unwanted germs is at its lowest.  
  
**You like reason.**  
  
And you like being good at what you do.  
  
  
You hate pulling off gloves, and being covered in latex powder mixed with your sweat.  
  
Sweat is something you don’t like at all. Not on your hands. Not like this.  
  
Because sweat makes your hands feel itchy and slippery.  
  
  
Not steady.  
  
**You like steady.**  
  
You’re known to be very precise.  
  
  
It’s how you were elected to be a surgeon in the first place.  
  
  
And it’s really ironic. Because you are in a doctor’s office. And your hands are sweaty.  
  
  
The office is nice though, you would guess. It’s painted in a faded pink tone, the furniture is held in white.  
  
  
Sterile.  
  
  
You like sterile.  
  
But not like this.  
  
  
Because ironically, _again_ , you don’t like doctors.  
  
  
When you were five years old and would play with your elder sister, she’d always tell you that you needed to marry a rich doctor to match your standards. Even back then you shook your head and said _no_. You were terrified of them.  
  
  
You still are. Not terrified anymore, but you don’t particularly like them.  
  
  
“Carmilla, is everything okay?”  
  
  
**You like her voice.**  
  
The only thing you want to focus on right now.  
  
Because she is here, doing this with you, because you two wanted to.  
  
  
“Yes. Just- It’s stuffy in here…”, you lie poorly, and she gives you an understanding smile and tries to take your hand.  
  
But your hand is sweaty, and you really, _really_ don’t like the feeling, so you draw back.  
  
Of course Laura rolls her eyes and takes it by its wrist anyway and puts it on her thigh, palm facing down, and rubbing its back.  
  
  
“Just relax, they’re not gonna do anything today.”  
  
“I just hate doctors, you know that.”  
  
  
She chuckles, and is about to say something, when a young woman walks in.  
  
  
“Hi there, I’m Dr Kirkland, I will be talking with you about your options.”  
  
  
It’s very vague. You don’t like the vagueness, but you know the pattern.  
  
And also you made the appointment, so the doctor knows that you know why you are here.  
  
You blank out most of the time, because the air really is thin, and you hate pink, and you hate the sweat on your palms.  
  
  
At least Dr Kirkland isn’t wearing a white lab coat, you think.  
  
She is pretty, and very, _very_ young. You decide that she doesn’t look old enough to be a practicing doctor.  
  
  
You know the irony behind that.  
  
  
“How old are you?”, you blurt out.  
  
Sounding like the typical forty-something males throwing you scrutinizing looks, when you introduced yourself as their performing surgeon back in the days.  
  
You still get those kinds of patients. And you still hate them.  
  
  
“Excuse me?”  
  
“Carm!”  
  
“I mean… You look really young. I’m just wondering…”  
  
“I’m twenty-nine. And I assure you, I’ve graduated from one of the best medical schools in Europe.”, she answers coolly.  
  
“I’m really sorry… I’m sure you’re great at your job… My wife- She’s just a bit nervous. ”, Laura jumps in.  
  
“I can understand that it can be a bit overwhelming-”  
  
  
You have to scoff, because this is one of the standard sentences you learn in medschool.  
  
  
“Carmilla.”, Laura’s tone snaps you out of it.  
  
You apologise, and let her continue. Even though you don’t really take home much of it.  
  
It’s not important, because 1, Laura relays it all for you anyway, and 2 it’s not really news to you.  
  
  
  
*  
  
  
“Have you thought about it?”, your better half asks you while you are trying to get some patient discharge reports ready for your next workday.  
  
“About what?”  
  
“Well the whole thing… Do you wanna try first?”  
  
  
Do you want to try getting pregnant first, is what she is asking.  
  
You stop correcting the reports, and turn towards her.  
  
  
“You heard what she said, didn’t you?”  
  
Laura walks over fully, placing herself just right in front of you, and looks down at you with an adoring smile.  
  
And you love her so much that it hurts sometimes.  
  
This. You would be just content with this.  
  
  
“I did. But she also said that she has seen forty-five year-olds having healthy children.”, she says, as she rakes her hand through your hair, and you wrap your arms around her waist, and pull her closer.  
  
You shake your head against her stomach, “I actually don’t know.”  
  
“I think we should try. _For you_. I could just… If we decide to have another one, maybe I could…?”, she sounds unsure, and you look up, and find her eyes trained on something distant.  
  
  
But you don’t want her to be in distance to you right now, so you kiss her knuckles, and make her avert her eyes to yours.  
  
  
“Are we planning for future children now? I mean- As in **plural**?”  
  
Laura wrinkles her nose, “Only if the first one is like really low maintenance.”  
  
“I’m sure you can order them just like that.”, you mock her and she rolls her eyes again, and suddenly something in you overtakes and you want to see her rolling her eyes for completely different reasons.  
  
  
Because she is beautiful, and she is yours, and she makes you so happy, and is willing to give you everything.  
  
  
“I really, really need to see you naked right now.”  
  
Laura snorts out a delightful laugh and leans down to kiss you, and it turns sloppy, because you both can’t stop laughing, because you’re so, so content and happy.  
  
  
  
“I love you.”, you tell her later on, just before drifting off to sleep, and she nods against your chest.  
  
  
*  
  
  
“He looks nice, doesn’t he?”  
  
Laura points to a twenty-five year old, blonde teacher that smiles at you both on your computer screen.  
  
It’s really funny. He could pass as her brother, and the profession would also fit, but you don’t like the way he smiles. It’s not the way her face brightens up. There is something about his smile that you don’t like. It’s not warm. Because Laura is so warm, and you need someone just like her.  
  
“Let’s look for a better fit.”  
  
Your wife huffs, clearly a little annoyed by your rejections (it is the seventh time you said no to a potential donor), but still she is patient and clicks onto another face that speaks to her.  
  
The moment she reads out aloud _‘likes to go out with friends’_ she closes the window.  
  
  
“That totally means he likes to party. I kinda don’t dig that whole vibe.”, she explains herself and you have to chuckle.  
  
“You liked to party in your days.”  
  
“But he totally looked like a mass murder.”  
  
“What?”  
  
Laura shakes her head, “I just don’t like him. This is serious. We have to choose wisely.”  
  
“Thank you. Finally we are on the same page.”  
  
  
*  
  
  
You will turn thirty-seven in four months.  
  
Laura has marked it in the calendar.  
  
  
Usually you don’t look at it so often, because you have a pretty steady schedule with being an attending and all, but you have reason this time.  
  
  
“I’ll be home by six, are you gonna be home early again today?”, Laura asks, as she grabs her blazer from the chair you’re currently sitting on, and drops a kiss on your temple.  
  
“I’m late.”  
  
“What?”, she shakes her head slightly and smiles confusedly, but then you see her brain catching up to your words, and her eyes widen slightly, “ **What?!** ”  
  
“I mean, it’s only three days, but I’m usually a clockwork when it comes to this.”  
  
  
Laura drops her purse onto the desk in front of you, and smiles widely.  
  
  
“This could be it, right?”  
  
  
“Yeah…”  
  
  
  
  
**It’s not.**  
  
  
On day five you see it on the toilet paper.  
  
  
You don’t tell Laura right away, because you don’t want to disappoint her.  
  
Maybe, just maybe you too are disappointed in yourself.  
  
So you give Laura the green light after that.  
  
  
Because you are both not getting younger, and she has much better chances, and also is at lower risk.  
  
And you seriously don’t care who actually carries the child, or who is the ‘biological’ mother, because you think that you probably would love Laura’s child more anyway, because it would share her DNA.  
  
  
*  
  
  
You hold Laura’s hand while she gets examined.  
  
For all you remember, it was an uneasy feeling.  
  
You really do hate doctors.  
  
  
This time you don’t have sweaty hands. This time it’s not about you.  
  
  
Laura breathes out loudly at some point, and it sounds strained and uneasy, and you immediately grow alert.  
  
  
“What’s wrong?”, while you say it, you scowl at the doctor doing the examination.  
  
“Relax, I’m doing an ultrasound of your ovaries and tubes. It’s just a few more moments. Keep breathing normally.”  
  
“Is there something else we need to do? Afterwards?”, Laura asks, as she squeezes your hand. You know that she is doing that to distract herself.  
  
  
“I’m gonna have to draw some blood. I want to monitor your hormone levels.”  
  
“Can… Can _she_ do it?”, Laura asks weakly, while gesturing towards you, “I don’t like needles, and she’s kind of a superhero when it comes to those things.”  
  
  
The doctor smiles curiously, “What kind of doctor are you again?”  
  
“I’m in cardio-thoracic surgery.”, you respond to her, “Apparently it doesn’t hurt, when I do it.”  
  
“Well, if your wife wishes it to be you, why not?”  
  
  
  
You unpack the butterfly and fix the tourniquet on Laura’s left arm, before looking her in the eye, while disinfecting her skin.  
  
  
“Don’t miss.”, she whispers, and you have to smile.  
  
After feeling up her vein, you disinfect the skin again.  
  
“I never do.”, is what you say right in the moment the needle vanishes under her skin and into the vein.  
  
You feel victorious, when you see the little tube fill with blood. Laura closes her eyes for a brief moment, before it is over, and you kiss her hand for being so brave.  
  
  
“It’s good to be married to a doctor. You’ll do all of _this stuff_ whenever our child gets hurt. I’ll take over the tutoring, if it’s needed.”  
  
“I’ll do _everything_ for them.”, you tell her, and it sounds like a promise.  
  
  
A promise you intend on keeping.  
  
  
*  
  
  
Sherman throws you a birthday party at his house. Your whole family is there.  
  
And even though she has been feeling a bit off lately, your wife wore the most beautiful dress, drove you to her father’s house, and now is playing babysitter to the latest addition to the family: your niece.  
  
  
It’s a sweet little get-together. Laura even called Mattie herself to invite her (for which she earned a lot of respect points from you).  
  
The first thing Mattie does, when she sees you is smack you on your head, and then she tackles you and embraces you firmly.  
  
  
“It’s been such a long time, sis.”, she whispers, “I’m still mad at you for not telling me about your _second_ engagement and wedding, by the way.”  
  
You have to chuckle, “You can imagine how everyone reacted, when we told them we eloped.”  
  
“Ah, yes. I _was_ one of those people. I mean, an email, Carmilla? **Really?** ”  
  
“You’re known to be a little dramatic.”  
  
She gasps, and seriously looks offended, “ **I’m** dramatic? Excuse you, but are you not aware of yourself?”  
  
“I just didn’t really want anyone to butt in. It was _my_ decision, and I’m very happy with it.”  
  
“You do know that we all love you, right? And we all want what’s best for you?”  
  
“If you are gonna tell me that you still don’t condone the choice I made with Laura, then don’t.”  
  
“I was gonna tell you that I’m happy for you.”  
  
  
The smile she gives you is sincere and something in her eyes sets your heart on fire.  
  
  
“Thanks, it means a lot.”  
  
  
You don’t really cry, but the feeling in your chest is overwhelming, and everyone’s here for you, and you couldn’t be happier. You find a nearby couch and fall back, just observing the people around you with utter joy.  
  
The people that you love the most. Everything is just the way it is supposed to be.  
  
Maman is in deep conversation with Claire, while William and Mattie exchange news revolving around some shared client of theirs (pfft, lawyers). Your father is sifting through Sherman’s collection of books, and smiles approvingly whenever he finds something that speaks to him.  
  
  
Vivienne, now more than a year older and wiser since the last time you saw her is talking to her younger sister, as if she could understand. She’s telling her all about her favorite cars, and you can just imagine her in a few years. She will be a little heart breaker. Thankfully she looks almost like an exact copy of her mother. Only the Karnstein nose is what she got from your family’s side.  
  
You watch them, and then your eyes fall onto Laura, who is holding Will’s baby girl so gingerly that it almost seems like she’s afraid of breaking her.  
  
  
“Laura told me that you two are thinking of expanding the family as well.”, Sherman joins you on the couch you have occupied, and you give him your full attention.  
  
“Yeah… We are thinking about it.”, you respond with a nod.  
  
You know that Laura doesn’t want to tell everyone yet that you two are actually further in that process. Not until there is something to tell them. She doesn’t want anyone to wait on you both. Secretly you think she just doesn’t want to disappoint anyone, if nothing happens.  
  
Because that’s just the way you would think.  
  
It’s funny how you both are so vastly different, but simultaneously all the same.  
  
  
  
  
Back at home Laura sneaks you around the house like she knows a secret. She kisses you by the stairs surprisingly, just as you’re about to ascend them to get to your bedroom, and also does it when you’re about to enter said room.  
  
  
“What is it?”  
  
“Happy birthday.”, she whispers and goes through the threshold and plops down onto the bed that you share with her.  
  
When you follow her retreating form with a frown, you see the neatly wrapped gift box in front of her.  
  
You roll your eyes and hold back a laugh, “You didn’t have to get me another present. I loved your other one.”  
  
It was a new case for your cell phone with a picture of you two. You really do love that gift.  
  
  
“No offence Carm, but you didn’t seriously think that was it, right? It was just a _pseudo-present_ to give to you in front of everyone. This though… I hope this will be a much cooler gift.”  
  
You go sit opposite to her and pull on the band that is holding the box together, and get it out of the way, before sending an adoring smile her way. When you do that, you see the trepidation in her eyes, and you grow curious.  
  
  
And in the back of your mind you think of **it.**  
  
  
The confirmation doesn’t take that much time, because in that box you find a pacifier in a pale green tone with giraffes on it.  
  
At first you think of it as a joke, but then you look up at Laura in slight confusion and you pull the pieces together in your head.  
  
  
Laura feeling sick, her strange appetite (you saw her eat a pickle with Nutella in the morning) and then the fact that she stuck to only water at dinner time earlier with your family.  
  
She had said that she was driving and that that was her reason to hold back, and of course you and everyone else believed it, but now you get why really.  
  
And it blows you away, when she finally takes a deep breath, and says it.  
  
  
  
“Carmilla, I’m pregnant.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I gagged so much writing this.


	18. So Worth It

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "I want Hollstein babies and them being great mums"  
> "Are they ever gonna get together and be just happy lol."  
> "Why are you doing this to me?!"
> 
> \- I don't know.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello lovely people of the internets!  
> I hope you enjoy this chapter (it's the second to last one)!
> 
> As always, many hugs and kisses, thank you for still reading this, lol.  
> (Even though my updating schedule sucks recently. I have good excuses, I swear.)
> 
> XXX

Okay, having someone grow inside you is absolutely exhausting.  
  
Just like it is a wonder, and a miracle, and whatever other words exist to describe this whole thing-  
  
  
 **Being pregnant is plainly _exhausting_.**  
  
  
At first you felt unusually sick.  
  
That was before you even knew what was going on.  
  
  
  
Carmilla had gone to the IVF clinic with you.   
  
The conversations that you’ve had about this were a bit defensive, but you get it. You think. She just didn’t want to disappoint you.  
  
Though you never could be disappointed by something like that. It’s not her fault at all, and you’ve told her, but she wanted it to be you.  
  
  
Medically assisted conception is much more complicated than you primarily had thought.  
  
For instance there are a lot of drugs involved.   
  
Like fertility drugs. Not the other kind of drugs.   
  
  
(Although the thought of slipping Carmilla some had crossed your mind-   
  
She was/ **is** freaking out a lot.)  
  
  
Also the docs all made sure to keep your expectations at bay.   
  
Because those things do **not** go smoothly apparently.   
  
It takes a lot of tries, and a lot of headaches.  
  
That’s what they initially told you.  
  
  
You know, because Carmilla tried.  
  
  
And you’re probably one in a million, because obviously you are the exception.  
  
Or like… You are super fertile and all. If that’s even a thing. Or maybe your womb is super cozy.  
  
It doesn’t matter. Because it only took you one try. Everything was planned out meticulously. And it did pan out well.  
  
  
  
  
The off feeling started with the typical nausea in the morning.  
  
Many years ago, when you had asked Carmilla about the cause of that (only out of interest), she had told you that it could have to do with specific hormones you produce while your body processes the state of being pregnant (and also staying so). Or something. You actually don’t remember that well.  
  
It doesn’t even matter, because you _missed_ it.   
  
Carmilla most definitely did, because she made the huge amount of cookies you had eaten the days prior responsible for your condition.  
  
  
Which by the way… Weirdly enough you hate chocolate chip cookies now. It’s the strong smell of dark chocolate that you can’t tolerate.   
  
Same with the smell of coffee.   
  
Some days ago you nearly threw up, when your wife kissed you, because she tasted like coffee.   
  
  
Actually you always liked that about her.  
  
Carmilla’s kisses taste like coffee and something sweet that you can never pinpoint to a specific thing. You just know the taste by heart.   
  
And usually butterflies would roam around in your stomach because of the sheer thought of that.  
But now a _someone_ is roaming around in your stomach (kind of) and you have the urge to vomit.  
  
   
So there you were, missing some classes, because you couldn’t get up without having the urge to empty your insides. You couldn’t actually get up at all. You felt exhausted all the time.  
  
Carmilla had sent you to the doctor’s, demanding you to take some time off university. It was a particularly stressful time with the flu season and all, that is also why Carmilla thought your sickness to be some weird pre-symptom to having some kind of flu.  
  
(You had to get vaccinated for that, because of the planned pregnancy, but still.)   
  
Having a doctor wife is nice, but sometimes she really is a pain in the ass with all her smartass-ness.  
  
The doctor had drawn some blood, and called you later on to let you know that you were in fact super healthy, but also super pregnant.   
  
  
_Week 6. **  
**_  
  
You had made him tell you three times, because you couldn’t believe it. It was surreal, and quite frankly it still is.  
  
  
*  
  
  
 **Carmilla is ecstatic.**  
  
  
  
When you tell her she knocks you over in your bed and kisses you messily.   
  
Everything is messy in that moment.  
  
  
Her hair, her dress, and her eyes are dark and wild.  
  
She looks at you with wonder and adoration and then something else replaces the look.  
  
You’re sure you’ve never felt so _in the moment_ like you are in that one.  
  
Because her stare is so, _so_ piercing and you just **can’t** look away. You **won’t**.  
  
  
When she lowers herself to kiss you again, you meet her half way and after her lips aren’t attached to yours anymore, she smiles goofily and finds your eyes once again.  
  
  
“Is this real?”  
  
She whispers the words, and something in your heart aches for her, and you just love this woman so much.  
  
  
“You can come to the check up on Monday with me, if you want to.”  
  
“I’ll clear my schedule.”, Carmilla responds without missing a heartbeat.  
  
  
*  
  
  
One day after coming home from work you see the ultrasound picture on your fridge.  
  
And every morning that you spend with Carmilla after that, you catch her staring at it.  
  
  
*  
  
  
You tell both of your families while having dinner with them at a restaurant.   
  
(Which means only Carmilla’s parents and your dad.)  
  
It’s surreal, when the words escape your mouth. You had waited with it a bit.  
  
Every head turns towards the two of you and they all forget to breathe for a moment you think.  
  
Silence fills the table, until Carmilla’s mother stands up and walks around it to embrace you in a hug. You don’t remember ever receiving one from her that was this heartfelt. She kisses your cheek after that and then proceeds to do the same to her daughter and it’s such a nice and profound gesture.  
  
  
“So that will make me a member of the _‘grandparents’_ club as well, eh Archie?”, your dad jokes and you see Carmilla’s usually stoic father crack a smile at the sentence.  
  
  
  
Your wife cries in your arms that night and tells you how much she’s looking forward to the future.  
  
In-between the lovely picture she paints you can read something akin to gratitude.  
  
It is strange probably, but you think that that’s what she’s conveying.  
  
  
Your response to that is an _‘I love you’_ that you mean from the deepest corner of your heart.  
  
  
*  
  
  
The changes become visible gradually.  
  
  
Carmilla realizes them earlier than you do. In a sense at least.  
  
  
  
You’re just about to have sex with her after what feels like _months_ (in reality it’s been exactly three days) and she stops.  
  
She really has the audacity to stop, when you’re a panting, wanton mess underneath her.  
  
  
“I swear to god, Carmilla. If you’re going to tease me right now-”  
  
  
It sounds rather harsh and impatient and elicits a low chuckle from her.  
  
You don’t really hear it, but rather feel it, because her hip is attached to yours, and the vibration sets your nether regions on fire.  
  
She’s set out to kill you. **Yes.** That’s _totally_ what she’s doing, because she has you completely undressed and isn’t doing ANYTHING.  
  
  
“They are bigger.”  
  
  
You blink rapidly, as if the motion will make your head less hazy and try to lock eyes with her.  
  
  
“What?”  
  
  
Carmilla sits up and straddles you and just then you see her gaze not focused on your eyes anymore, but your chest. You follow.  
  
She places her hands on your ribcage, and her face gives away the heavy concentration.  
  
  
“Your breasts… They are bigger.”  
  
  
“Okay.”, because you can’t think of anything else than Carmilla being inside of you and finally giving you what you need.   
  
  
Maybe if it was another time, you would have reacted differently.   
  
  
Probably.  
  
  
“Do they hurt?”  
  
  
There is _that_. You huff out in frustration and roll away from under her.  
  
  
“What do you think you’re doing?”, she asks.  
  
  
Provocatively you put on your underwear again and raise your eyebrows, when looking back at her over your shoulders.  
  
  
“What does it look like, Carm?”  
  
  
“I just- We were- Why are you getting dressed?”  
  
  
“Seriously?”  
  
  
Her cluelessness is kind of cute, but you’re still sexually frustrated and a bit angry, if you were honest.  
  
  
“Laura…”, she crawls towards you- with her flawless naked body (something that you soon **won’t** be able to say about yourself), “Come here…”  
  
  
“ **No.** ”, you hate yourself for sounding like a three-year-old that didn’t get their way and stand from the bed to reach your pants that are lying next to the nightstand (how did _that_ happen?).  
  
  
You stop with dressing yourself though, after putting on your bra. It’s funny, because since Carmilla pointed out that your boobs indeed are bigger, the garment feels like it’s constricting your breathing (which... Psychology is funny like that).  
  
Carmilla catches you by surprise when her hands grasp around your hips and her fingers firmly press onto your hip bone.   
  
Why does she have to know the most sensitive spots on your body?   
  
Your eyes fall closed and you suppress a moan, when she kisses the small of your back and reaches around blindly to unbutton and unzip your jeans again.  
  
  
“I’m sorry if I made you feel weird or something.”, she tells you, “Is that it? Did you feel weird?”  
  
  
“No, it’s okay. Changes do happen. And you’re my wife. You kinda should notice, so… It’s nice that you notice these things, I guess.”  
  
  
She turns you around in her arms to look at you and you smile softly at her, which she reciprocates.  
  
Carmilla looks younger these days.   
  
She acts very different from the college student you dated, but she looks so very much like that girl again.  
  
  
Not jaded and exhausted.   
  
She actually looks genuinely happy.  
  
And you can’t stay mad at her for any second longer.  
  
  
  
After your orgasm hits you, Carmilla is gentle with you. She intertwines her fingers with yours and just before she comes up to meet your mouth for a kiss, her lips graze your stomach lovingly.  
  
  
  
And you want to cry, because _you know_.   
  
**You know.  
**  
  
And also you are craving ice cream.  
  
  
It’s when you realize that _ohmigod_ , **_you’re pregnant_**.   
  
Like _really_ realize.  
  
  
*  
  
  
The bump shows on week 18.   
  
Which is late you think, and when you panic over it, and think that something’s wrong, Carmilla gets you to relax.  
  
She lays her head on your stomach, while concentration takes over her face.  
  
  
“Come on, now.”, your wife commands softly, her voice carrying through your whole body.  
  
  
After a while Carmilla smiles at you beautifully.  
  
  
“Some days ago… I thought I felt something. Here…”, she takes your hand and guides it to the right side of your abdomen, “Do you feel that faint fluttering beneath your skin?”  
  
  
After some time you really do, and your heart feels like it’s expanding in your chest.  
  
  
“Is that…?”, you don’t even dare finish the sentence.   
  
Because what if it **isn’t**?  
  
But then she nods hastily and your eyes grow in wonder and surprise.  
  
It’s so subtle, so faint, but it is there.   
  
**Movement.**  
  
Reaction to voice.  
  
  
*  
  
  
You’ve acclimatized to the white walls, the harsh lighting, and the smell of disinfectant.  
  
 _Mostly._  
  
Carmilla is the one who doesn’t like going to the doctor’s office though.   
  
But this is for you. For you she does _everything._   
  
  
“Do you want to know the sex of your child?”, the doctor who has been doing the ultrasound on you asks you and you realize you haven’t really had a proper talk about this topic with Carmilla.  
  
  
You did talk names, but those were silly 2 am conversations. Now it is very real.  
  
  
Of course the gender of your child doesn’t matter at all, but you are starting to believe that you are not as well prepared as you are supposed to be, and something sets off an alarm in you.   
  
You seek Carmilla’s eyes, and see that they are trained on the monitor beside you.  
  
  
“What is it?”  
  
She catches herself, and looks at you a bit dazed, “What? No, I just was looking…”  
  
“Do you want to know, Carm? If it’s a boy or a girl?”  
  
Carmilla shakes her head slightly, and starts to laugh a bit, “I already know.”  
  
  
Of course she does.  
  
  
“Okay, then I wanna know too.”, you turn your head towards the doctor, but she already is smiling at your wife.  
  
  
“Do you want to tell her?”, she encourages Carmilla and your head starts spinning from the way you’re looking between the two of them.  
  
  
“It’s a boy, Laura. **It’s a baby boy.** ”  
  
  
*  
  
  
Carmilla paints the spare room green.   
  
Well, she lets people do it. She doesn’t like to get dirty.  
  
Back in your college days you did do everything by yourselves.  
  
However, _now_ you do have the resources to pay people for those things.  
  
It does save you a lot of time.   
  
  
Time that you invest into picking out furniture and guide books on how to raise a child.  
  
When Carmilla tells you that those books are a waste of money, you tease her about that one time you found _‘The Guide to a Successful Relationship’_ in the house and she rolls her eyes at you.  
  
  
“You’ll be a great mother either way. That’s what I’m trying to say.”  
  
  
And you kiss her for that.  
  
Because even though you **haven’t** voiced your concerns like that yet, she _knows._  
  
It’s **your** Carmilla. _She knows._ She knows so much without even having to ask.  
  
  
  
*  
  
  
Carmilla throws you a surprise baby shower.  
  
It’s cute, with those typical games and booze for those that are not expecting.  
  
You even see one of your doctors from when you were a patient at the hospital Carmilla works at.  
  
  
  
Later on Perry, your colleague (who was kind enough to play caterer for the party), asks you for their number.  
  
You tell Carmilla, and she laughs, because funnily enough they apparently showed interest for your friend too.  
  
  
  
“Will you miss working?”, she asks you that night when you both are about to go to bed.   
  
You draw back the covers and gently slide onto your side with Carmilla tucking you in as if you were a little kid. You like it though, so you don’t say a thing.  
  
  
“How did you come up with that?”  
  
“Well, you’re going on maternity leave as of Friday. I’m just wondering.”  
  
“I mean, it’s been a wild ride, these past years. I think it will be totally different. But I’m still going to be there for my students. Online assessments for the win.”  
  
“Ah yes, _professor Hollis_. I’d hate you, if you were my teacher.”  
  
  
You turn a bit (not fully, because you can’t really properly lie on your side anymore), and reach for Carmilla’s hand under the thick blanket.  
  
  
“I’ll be fine, I will still have a ton of things to do, if that’s what you were worried about.”  
  
  
“Yeah… Hey, Laura? We’re gonna do this, right?”  
  
“You and I, we’ve gone through so much… **We can do anything.** ”  
  
  
*  
  
  
One day, when you are both on your way home from getting groceries, it happens.   
  
Carmilla is driving. She doesn’t let you drive anymore.   
  
(You are heavy pregnant after all, so you let her be over-protective in that part.)  
  
  
Something just doesn’t feel right, and when you readjust in your seat, you feel it.  
  
Thank god Carmilla has leather seats in her car, because something totally did happen.  
  
  
“Honey, stop the car, I think I just peed myself.”  
  
Carmilla looks over at you for a second, before averting her gaze to the road.  
  
“What?”  
  
“My underwear… Carm I feel… It’s wet. Does that happen? I mean I had to pee a lot in the last few days, did you notice…? I’ve read a lot of books on babies, but like this part? The being a vessel for that kid to grow in -which sounds _so_ wrong- I don’t know much about this… And you’re the doctor here, I just…”  
  
She stops the car right away, and unbuckles herself and is about to get out of the car, when you stop her with a hand on her arm.  
  
You realize something.  
  
  
“It’s- I think my water just broke?”  
  
“ **WHAT?!** ”  
  
“You should drive me to the hospital.”, you really don’t know how you can be so calm about this, but you have to be, when Carmilla looks like she’s going to throw up right now.  
  
“I- Are you- We- Oh my god, okay… _Okay_ …”, she nods to herself a few times, while starting up her car again, and just before she is about to drive, you stop her.  
  
  
“Seatbelt, Carmilla.”  
  
“Right, right.”  
  
  
*  
  
  
“ **OHMIGOD** , this child wants to kill me. I swear. What is taking so long?”  
  
“Uh, do you need something?”, Carmilla is by your side in an instant, fumbling with the pillows.  
  
You reach for her hand and press gently, “Stop walking around so much.”  
  
“I’m sorry, I’m a bit nervous.”  
  
“YOU? You’re not the one having a child shoved through _their_ -”  
  
Of course someone walks in right in that moment.  
  
  
“Let’s see how far we are, huh?”, some chipper guy in pink scrubs says and you want to throw the vase beside your bed onto his head. His smile is annoying, but you remind yourself that he is just here to do his job, and you let him.  
  
  
“Are you experiencing any contraction pain?”  
  
“My epidural is working perfectly fine, if that’s what you’re asking.”, you can’t help but being a bit snippy.   
  
You may not have pain in that sense, but there is a general feeling of uneasiness. Also the doctor said something about an episiotomy and you told Carmilla that you will **absolutely not** have them cut up your vaginal canal.   
  
You immediately wanted a C-section. However, it is not the option here anymore apparently, because your kid is an overachiever, and his head already descended into your pelvic canal.   
  
What it means? No idea.   
  
But the doctor told you it’s too late, but assured you that everything would be fine.   
  
  
  
You eventually believe it to be true, when you hear a cry and know that it’s over.  
  
  
And people don’t lie about it. It is something magical, holding your child in your arms.  
  
  
Especially, when the love of your life is by your side and kisses your tears dry. This is pure bliss.  
  
  
  
 **It’s so worth it.**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I always try to be factual in the things I write, because I believe you can also learn from things like fanfic.  
> If you have any questions concerning child birth or medicine in general... hmu, LoL. (Seriously.)
> 
> But also: canon Laura Hollis survived without a heart for 5 minutes, and don't forget that sometimes I have to bend the rules too.  
> Also: I am a twenty-two-year-old and have no idea how being pregnant is, but I've been told today that I'm very empathic, so...


	19. Three's the Charm

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> All over the places.  
> All the time jumps.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Uhhhh, this is the last one before I write sort of an epilogue for this.  
> Maybe it will be out in two days, or maybe it will be out in a month.  
> Who knows, right? Hahaha. I'm sorry for my inconsistency though.
> 
> Lots of cyber hugs,
> 
> XXX
> 
> Also: Happy Easter, Passover and Vaisakhi.

**Cameron Hollis-Karnstein is born on a February 5th.**  
  
_He weighs 8.3 pounds, and is 20.61 inches._  
  
Your son is a pretty big little guy.  
  
  
It was Laura’s idea to pick out a gender-neutral name.  
  
You liked it more (a lot more) than naming him after your grandfather like your father had requested. It was easy getting out of that, when you brought up that William’s second name is Artus.  
  
  
Yes, _Artus_.  
  
  
Your father wanted to name his _only_ grandson Artus.  
  
  
*  
  
  
Laura is everything you painted her out to be.  
  
She’s perfectly cut out for the mother role.  
  
You think about it every time she’s handling your baby, because it’s like she’s been born with all the knowledge.  
  
She acts on her instinct.  
  
  
She just knows.  
  
And you fall even more in love with her.

  
You love both of them so much.  
  
  
*  
  
  
Your mother and Mattie are obsessed with your son, and you fear that he’s going to be smothered with too much love.  
  
  
*  
  
  
Cameron is a few months when he picks up on raising his hands into the air, whenever you come home from work on Tuesdays and Fridays.  
  
It’s his way of greeting you, and you’re already dreading the day he won’t care enough anymore to do this.  
  
So you take him into your arms every time, let him drool all over your hair and shoulders, and kiss his temple until listening to your heartbeat lulls him into sleep.  
  
  
*  
  
  
Cameron’s first word is _‘cooksie’_. He’s seven and a half months when it happens.  
  
It’s some days after Laura’s 35th birthday and you blame the big cookie-shaped cake that you had made for her.  
  
Laura is sad that it isn’t anything related to the two of you.  
  
  
*  
  
  
One day you come home to a frantic looking Laura.  
  
And she shouldn’t be looking like this.  
  
Not on your three-year wedding anniversary.  
  
  
  
“What’s up?”  
  
“I can’t find his favorite blanket. Carmilla, he needs his blanket. He can’t sleep without it. We can’t go out like this- He needs to be taken care of…”  
  
  
  
After spending an hour trying to find it, you decide on cancelling on the babysitter and the dinner plans.  
  
You realise that night, after your child is safely tucked into bed, that you haven’t had alone time with Laura in a really long time.  
  
  
*  
  
  
“We need to go out. Just the two of us. We need to spend time outside of the confines of this house.”, you tell Laura.  
  
She looks at you incredulously, before scoffing.  
  
“We **can’t**. He’s not old enough…”  
  
  
“There are babysitters. What happened to that one girl you found? Bethany or something?”  
  
“I **can’t** just leave my child with some random stranger okay? You wouldn’t understand, you’re not his mother-”  
  
  
  
There are some things that you never thought you’d hear from Laura’s mouth.  
  
  
For instance she surprised you, when she was the first one to say _‘I love you’_.  
  
Not that you never thought about her being able to love you.  
  
It was more the chase. All the things she made you do, before even agreeing to go on a date with you.  
  
You just never had thought that she’d be the first one to say it.  
  
  
It also came as a shock to you, when she’d said that she wanted a divorce.  
  
It wasn’t really surprising, not really, when you think back to how you were in the past.  
  
However, you were very shocked. You just never anticipated hearing her say that she wants to leave you.  
  
  
And now Laura looks pale and tired, and her hair is messy, and you’re sure she’s had a long enough day.  
  
You feel for her, you can imagine that arguing with you right now is not something she is enjoying, but still…  
  
You **didn’t** expect her to say that.  
  
She looks cool in her demeanor. Composed.  
  
Even though her eyes give her away. You can read the apology.  
  
But it’s not enough right now.  
  
  
Because you are important too.  
  
This is something Laura would say to you back in the days.  
  
  
There is **two**.  
  
Two, who are important in a relationship like this.  
  
Two is the key word.  
  
  
And with her sentence she just dismissed one.  
  
She just said that you **weren’t** Cameron’s mother.  
  
She said it with intent. As if you didn’t care just as much.  
  
  
“Carmilla that is **not** what I meant-”  
  
  
Laura approaches you, and you step back. There is panic in her eyes.  
  
“Carmilla, please, I’m sorry- _You know it’s not what I meant_.”  
  
You know, but you can’t help it.  
  
  
She said it. She said it. **She said it.**  
  
  
“I think I need some air.”, you announce, and are about to exit the bedroom.  
  
Laura surges forwards though, grabbing you by the collar of your shirt, “Don’t go. Please don’t go like this.”, she’s shaking her head, and you don’t know what you can say to assure her.  
  
  
“I’ll be back, I promise.”  
  
That seems to do the trick, because she lets go of you.  
  
  
  
  
“Carm.”  
  
You wake up to the scent of coffee and freshly done laundry. Laura is standing in front of you in her pyjamas with a bathrobe hanging loosely around her shoulders.  
  
When you take in your surroundings, you realise that you’ve fallen asleep on the armchair in the nursery.  
  
  
“When did you come home last night?”  
  
“Late… I heard-”, just then you notice that your son’s not in his crib, “Where is he?”  
  
“He’s asleep on our bed. He was so energetic after he woke up, but then he wore himself out and I laid him down.”  
  
  
You drive your hands through your hair and suppress a yawn, “He was crying and I came here, trying to soothe him, and then I fell asleep apparently.”  
  
“I got scared, when I woke up and didn’t find you in our bed.”, Laura admits and you smile at her curtly. You didn’t forget yet.  
  
“I promised that I’d be back.”  
  
There is a slight nod, before she opens her mouth again, “You should catch up on some sleep. In a bed.”  
  
  
When you lie down next to your sleeping baby (surrounded by a dozen of pillows, because Laura likes to be extra careful), you reach over to place your hand next to his tiny body and unconsciously he smiles in his sleep. You’ve read that babies have a much better olfactory function than adults.  
  
  
Laura slips under the covers after you, holding you from behind and her kisses that she dots on your shoulder feel like the apologies that are threatening to explode.  
  
  
“You’re right. We need some time to ourselves.”, your wife tells you in a loud enough whisper.  
  
“I don’t want you to do anything that you don’t want to. Or leave our kid with a stranger, I get where that came from.”  
  
“Yeah, but I know that I was being a bit intense… I talked to my dad last night… He’s not a stranger, and he raised me, so he gets major trust points from me… He agreed to watch Cameron whenever we need him to… And uhm… I’m so sorry for what I said last night. I didn’t mean it. You have to believe me. I was out of line when I said what I said. **He’s yours, just as he’s mine.** ”  
  
“I’m okay. You’re okay. I know you didn’t mean it.”  
  
  
When you say it, you don’t believe it fully.  
  
There is a bit of residual doubt, but Laura never says it again.  
  
And when one day she surprises you with spontaneous dinner plans, and a babysitter sitting on your couch that seems to be like the sweetest girl in the world, you start forgiving her.  
  
  
People say a lot of hurtful things that can get stuck in your mind.  
  
But it is a choice of your own to forgive them, and forget them.  
  
  
*  
  
  
Cameron learns the word _‘mommie’_ very late.  
  
And he only addresses you with that.  
  
He picks up on calling Laura some version of her name.  
  
Sometimes it’s _‘Lara’_ or it’s _‘Aura’_ or _‘Lala’_.  
  
  
“This is ridiculous. Why doesn’t he love me!?”  
  
“You’re being overly dramatic again.”  
  
“I carried him around nine months in my womb. My body suffered for this pregnancy-”, Laura gesticulates while preparing food for the both of you, and you watch your child.  
  
  
Ever since he learned how to properly crawl, he’s been that much harder to stop. You’ve started making your whole house a lot baby-friendlier and more secure since he doesn’t need any one of you two to actually get to places.  
  
  
You can’t pay much attention to your wife’s rambles, because this is one of those moments.  
  
That you want to be remembering. Cameron is leaning onto the two-seater with his arms, looking at you purposefully.  
  
He already learned how to stand on his own two feet for a little while, but you’ve never seen him this determined.  
  
  
“Come on.”, you whisper encouragingly from your position at the kitchen counter, from where you can both watch him, and listen to Laura’s rants.  
  
“What?”, Laura asks distractedly.  
  
“Shh…”, you hold up a hand, and your wife walks around the counter to look in the same direction you are.  
  
“Is he- Ohmigod, what if he falls?!”, she wants to stop him, but you hold her back.  
  
“Even if, it’s carpeted floor, Laura. Watch. Let him.”  
  
  
You think Laura understands what you are getting at, when she leans onto the counter beside you.  
  
Albeit a bit worried that her only son is about to get hurt.  
  
  
And when Cameron makes his first few steps towards the two of you on his own, while mumbling another form of her name, she doesn’t mind it all.  
  
  
Cameron is 13 months and seven days when he starts walking without help from either of you.  
  
You install safety gates everywhere on the next day.  
  
  
*  
  
  
You learn that having scheduled sex is not a bad thing.  
  
  
Not at all.  
  
  
*  
  
  
When you make Laura leave the house with her friends for a change, assuring her that you can take care of your child on your own perfectly fine, and that she’s not allowed in the house before 10 pm, you don’t think that she will come home tipsy.  
  
  
Cameron’s long asleep, and you have made yourself comfortable in the living room with a book, when Laura comes back.  
  
She’s not really drunk. She just giggles a bit too loudly, and tells you she loves you a tad bit too often.  
  
That doesn’t leave you impressed though.  
  
It’s more the admission she makes, when you’ve successfully tucked her into your shared bed that makes your heart flutter with joy and a feeling of accomplishment.  
  
  
“Told ya that you needed a night off. Without Cam, _or_   Carm.”, she giggles at that, “It’s good for you. And I didn’t burn down the house or starve our son to death, did I?”, you add a bit jokingly.  
  
Some part of it is meant sincerely though.  
  
“I didn’t expect you to. You’re a great mom, Carm. Seriously. I just don’t wanna be without him. He’s growing so fast… I mean, he’s gonna turn two in a few months, and I just wanna hold onto him as long as I can. They grow up fast enough.”  
  
  
“Do you really think I’m great?”  
  
“Are you kidding me? _Of course you are._ You’re perfect. He worships the ground you walk on, Carm. I gotta say, I’m still jealous.”  
  
“That he called me _mommie_ first?”  
  
“Pff, he calls me mom too now… No, it’s more the face he makes, when you come home. All smiley and dopey. Like I’m not enough.”  
  
“You do know that that’s crap, right? He loves you just as much.”  
  
“Yeh, yeh, yeh. Maybe I need to start working again.”  
  
“Hmn, maybe absence does make the heart grow fonder.”  
  
  
*  
  
  
When Cameron is old enough to be left at the daycare service, Laura starts taking a few classes at the university again.  
  
A two and a half year leave means she has a lot of catching up to do.  
  
She is not used to working anymore. It’s difficult talking to adults on a daily basis again.  
  
You can relate.  
  
  
*  
  
  
The first time Cameron hurts himself while playing in your backyard is the day you nearly suffer from a heart attack.  
  
Laura sends you a text with the words _‘Our son’s hurt, I’m coming to the hospital.’_.  
  
You get to the ER, to assess the damage, and find out that it’s only a scraped knee and scold your wife for scaring you like that.  
  
When it happens again -under **your** supervision this time- just a few months later, and he cries so hard that the whole neighbourhood hears it, you understand why Laura’s been so scared.  
  
  
Sherman doesn’t let him ride the tricycle without the right safety measurements, meaning he’s gonna hate you in the future, because there are no childhood pictures of him where he doesn’t look absolutely ridiculous.  
  
  
It’s okay though, you think.  
  
Better safe than sorry.  
  
  
*  
  
  
When Cameron turns three, you have a huge party at your house.  
  
It is a few weeks after your 5 year wedding anniversary, so you have double the reason to celebrate.  
  
  
It’s still overwhelming for you. So much has happened in the last few years.  
  
The life you knew, and the life you built with Laura are so vastly different from each other.  
  
  
You’re even considering to step down from being a surgeon, and opening your own office.  
  
It’s called settling down. That’s what settling down looks like for a surgeon.  
  
There is no constant desire to be better or bigger anymore.  
  
  
You just want to have your steady work routines, and have time for your family.  
  
Maybe you’re old, but that’s how you feel about this now.  
  
And you’re not even _that_ old yet.  
  
  
“Penny for your thoughts?”, Laura whispers into your ear, as she folds her hands together on your shoulder, while watching Will’s kids play with Cameron in the crisp September weather.  
  
“I’m just thinking… That I love this. I love when we’re all together.”  
  
“Hmn… I know. It’s really nice to come together once in a while.”  
  
  
“Do you know where my mother is?”  
  
“Inside, I just left her with the cake. She’s doing some finishing touches.”  
  
“I’ll go check.”, you kiss her on the cheek and make your way towards the kitchen, where your mother is decorating Cameron’s birthday cake with sprinkles.  
  
He _loves_ sprinkles. Or anything sweet for that matter. He got his sweet tooth from Laura.  
  
  
“Carmilla, aren’t you joining in on the festivities?”  
  
Your mother’s hair has turned grey fully, and you get reminded of how limited time is.  
  
  
“I came in to ask you something.”  
  
She doesn’t look up, but hums as a sign for you to continue.  
  
  
“It’s about your old practice… You told me you wanted to sell it. Have you already done that?”  
  
“No, your father told me to wait. Apparently that area is up and coming again. Also, I haven’t really had offers from suitable people... It’s been a doctor’s office for so long. I don’t want it to become a manicure salon. Pardon my language, but _that shit’s_ everywhere to be found nowadays.”  
  
“So it’s vacant, right?”  
  
  
At that your mother eyes you suspiciously, “Yes. I would think so. Why?”  
  
“Because I’d like to open my own practice. I think I’m over these ridiculous hours at the hospital.”  
  
“You want to become a practicing doctor?”  
  
“Yeah. I want to be here for my kid. I mean, I know I’ve been cutting down enough hours, but it’ll be better, if I have a scheduled routine. Cameron’s going to school in two years, and I don’t want to not be here. I want him to grow up with parents, not like-”  
  
“Not like _you_ did?”  
  
  
You didn’t mean to say it, but fortunately your mother doesn’t look like she took it as a huge insult.  
  
  
“I just want him to have everything. I don’t want him to resent me for never being here.”, you tell her.  
  
“Do you still resent us?”  
  
“No, but that’s because I have grown out of it. I don’t want to wait 40 years for Cameron to realise that his mother’s not _that_ bad.”  
  
“Don’t worry, dear. You and Laura are doing a terrific job.”, your mother gives you a sidehug, and then continues, “And also, I’d like you to have the practice, if you want it.”  
  
  
  
  
Cameron’s big brown eyes get infinitely bigger, when he sees his cake.  
  
Laura places a kiss on his blonde hair, before handing him over to you.  
  
He clings to you and says, “ _Carmie_ , I love you.”  
  
You hear Laura giggle over it, and know exactly who taught him that.  
  
“I love you too. Do you want to taste the cake your grandma made you?”  
  
He nods overly excited and you prompt everyone at the table to sing.  
  
  
  
  
“ _Three’s the charm_ , Carm.”, Laura later on tells you.  
  
“What do you mean?”  
  
“Us three. I think we make a pretty good team.”  
  
“I think so too.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> To be honest, this should never have continued this far, but I don't like to let people down.  
> It's mostly fifty prompts shoved into one or something, but I wanted to wrap it up nicely.  
> And this way I found a good story line to end it on. You'll see when the last one's out.
> 
> Also the name thing... My friend gave me the choice between Cameron and VANDYKE.  
> I totally would have loved VANDYKE... Because of obvious reasons, but I refrained.
> 
> I don't think that was English, but I'm sooo tired. Sorry.


	20. I See You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "i need a truly happy ending after all the shit you put us through in your fics"  
> "a bit more of how Cameron grows up maybe and happy hollistein"

On his first day of primary school, Cameron doesn’t let go of Carmilla.  
  
You watch him clutch her hand all the way to room no. 136. He’s anxious, and you relate to him on several levels.  
  
New things are hard.  
  
Especially for a 5 year old that has two moms, you would guess.  
  
  
Carmilla kneels down in front of him and whispers something to him that apparently helps. He simply nods at what she says, and after a long hug, he says goodbye to you and walks into his classroom. She makes everything look so easy.  
  
  
She’s so good when it comes to the things she says. Carmilla may never have been the sentimental type (not like _that_ anyway), but when it comes to your son, she can work wonders.  
  
  
You’re so lucky to have her at your side for this, and you’re incredibly grateful for your little family. Cameron is very lucky to have you both, because in spite of all the doubts you may have had about being a good mother to your son, you like to think that you two are doing really well.  
  
  
  
Carmilla wouldn’t even have him go to a public school, and for once you were in on this, even though she sounded really pretentious talking about it.  
  
Public schools aren’t really that bad, you’d told her, but at the end she’d won, because if you are honest, you only want what’s best for him too.  
  
You just secretly hope that he doesn’t turn into _that_ kind of kid. The kind you despised in university.  
  
  
(The kind of prep school kids that wear brand polo shirts and loafers to class.)  
  
  
  
*  
  
  
When Carmilla’s father passes away, your son is only eight years old.  
  
Carmilla doesn’t cry at the funeral. Neither does Cameron, you will learn later on that this is one of the many things he gets from her.  
  
  
Your child gets the general idea of death and what it means, but you guess kids process things differently.  
  
  
  
Carmilla is in an especially bad mood on the day Archie’s will is read.  
   
Cameron understands something is wrong, when none of you talk during dinner that day.  
  
His suspicion probably only grows, when Carmilla wordlessly locks herself into your bedroom right after.  
  
  
“Did I do something wrong?”, he asks while watching some cartoon on TV, just before bedtime.  
  
“Why sweetheart?”  
  
“Because mommy seems angry.”  
  
  
Something in you breaks, when he says that.  
  
  
“Honey, no! It has nothing to do with _you_ , promise.”, you tell him, “Mommy’s just still sad about her dad. You understand that, don’t you?”  
  
He hums, and for a moment he seems to consider something, but then he just averts his eyes to the television again, and hugs his stuffed black panther that Carmilla got him for his fifth birthday closer to his chest.  
  
  
You wish he would stay this innocent and easy forever.  
  
  
“I love you.”, you kiss his forehead, before going upstairs to talk to your wife.  
  
  
  
“Carm, open up, it’s me.”, you knock on your own bedroom door.  
  
Frankly you are a bit mad at her for handling this whole situation like this, but that’s the woman you fell in love with, and Carmilla wouldn’t be Carmilla without all the _brooding_ , so you try to be considerate and understanding.  
  
She unlocks the door and leaves it open for you to enter. You do, and see how she vanishes into the bathroom. You follow her.  
  
  
“I’m about to take a shower.”, she announces, and you don’t know how to categorise this information.  
  
“By all means, go on, you can still listen to me while you do that.”, you hear an exasperated sigh, clearly this isn’t going to go well.  
  
“Whatever you’re about to say, **don’t**.”, her eyes express the exhaustion she must be feeling (she has been the one to console her mother, being the only child that still lives in Canada, and you know that it must not have been easy for her given their relationship).  
  
  
After a closer look at her, you realise that Carmilla looks older than usual, more cynical than usual, but you don’t let it affect you.  
  
  
“Okay… I get that you don’t want to talk about _it_ -which I’m **not** an advocate for-  but you’re _you_ , and it’s okay, but please don’t walk around, acting like you don’t care about us. We’re not air, Carmilla.”  
  
“My father died Laura. I watched them bury him last week, I’m sorry that I can’t be overly joyful at the moment!”  
  
  
Carmilla doesn’t argue like this usually. Sure, she’s always known how to hurt you in particular situations, but she usually doesn’t raise her voice like this.  
  
She’s usually very calculating. It’s something you don’t like about her.  
  
However, you also hate _this_. Because you can see all the anguish, and the unspoken hurt. She communicates so many things with her eyes, or you’re just an expert on all things _Carmilla_ now, because you feel her pain.  
  
Her pain is yours, but she isn’t letting you in, and it hurts.  
  
  
“Then please don’t take it out on our son. Because he’s down there, asking himself what he did wrong for you to be like this to him.”  
  
Her eyes grow wide for a second -you catch it- but her mouth stays shut.  
  
You leave the room, thinking it was a defeat on your part, but sometimes things turn out differently.  
  
  
  
Later that night, after you’ve done all the dishes, and prepared for the classes you’ll be taking on the day after, you walk in on Carmilla lying in bed with Cameron. Her strained voice gives away her crying and you feel the pain seep through your own chest once again.  
  
It’s amazing how empathic you are, when it comes to those two.  
  
They have a conversation that you will never, ever forget.  
  
  
“Your grandfather loved you a lot, did you know that? You were his favorite grandson.”  
  
“I’m his only grandson.”  
  
“Hmn, but his favourite too. He loved you a lot, I know that.”  
  
It’s true. William told you that he left a huge chunk of his money to your son. Not that you would need it.  
  
  
“And **you’re** _my favorite_. I love _you_ the most.”  
  
Carmilla laughs at that, wiping away some tears, “Don’t tell Laura. She’ll be really sad to hear that I’m your number one.”  
  
“But she’s second. I love her lots too.”  
  
  
It doesn’t hurt that much. Not at all, actually. (Okay, maybe a little.)  
  
But they are so good to each other, and it is heartwarming.  
  
  
Maybe you a cry a bit out of joy that night.  
  
  
*  
  
  
It doesn’t matter that you share the same genes, or how much he looks like you.  
  
When you watch Cameron, and analyse his mannerisms, you see an exact copy of Carmilla.  
  
  
For instance, how you’ve never ever seen him leave the house without a book, or how his sarcasm takes over for him, when he’s being pushed to his limits.  
  
Furthermore, you realise for the first time he brings home a girl with sixteen, how Carm raised him to be a gentleman, and your chest fills with pride, when you see it with your own eyes.  
  
  
Your son turned out really, really well.  
  
  
The way he is with the things or people he loves, reminds you of Carmilla.  
  
  
*  
  
  
You never would have thought that it would be this way, but when Cameron comes home drunk one day, _you’re_ the bad cop.  
  
Carmilla gets away with being the more understanding one, the more _chill_ one.  
  
You kind of hate it, but it is necessary.  
  
One of you has to set boundaries.  
  
  
*  
  
  
It comes as far as him telling Carmilla about his first big heartbreak.  
  
  
You’re mildly jealous about that fact, but then you get reminded of how other people have much more challenging kids, and how you are truly lucky in that department.  
  
  
Mostly you feel bad for him, because anyone who hurts _your boy_ is your enemy.  
  
And in your heart he is always going to be your little boy.  
  
  
  
“Why didn’t he tell **me** about it?”, you pout into your pillow, while Carmilla is reading on her side of the bed.  
  
“You weren’t at home, Laura.”  
  
“Don’t act like he would have, if I was. You’re always the one he goes to for stuff like this.”  
  
“And you’re the one he goes to when it comes to homework.”  
  
  
She annoys you sometimes with sentences like these, that wife of yours.  
  
  
“It’s not the same, Carm.”  
  
“Maybe I just give better advice when it comes to those things?”, she smirks down at you, and it’s infuriating how attractive she is, when she has her reading glasses on.  
  
  
“Why would that be?”  
  
“I don’t know, I just tried to give you a reason.”, Carmilla chuckles and puts away her book in order to turn towards you and gives you her full attention.  
  
“I think that reason of yours is bullshit. I’m the one that scored you. I should be the one giving out advise about girl problems. **Ha!** ”  
  
“Are you flirting with me, professor Hollis?”, her voice drops a little too low, and you have to gulp.  
  
  
She knows exactly what she’s doing, when she drives her fingertips over the skin of your left arm, down to your hand, and then picks it up to kiss it.  
  
  
“Maybe.”, you respond her in something akin to a whisper, and that sly smile of hers will forever be your favorite.  
  
  
You’ve been married to her for so long, but sometimes it feels like yesterday you ran into that annoying roommate for the first time.  
  
  
When she kisses you, and forces you down onto your pillow, you forget everything.  
  
  
You forget about how you were sad that Cameron didn’t come to you with his girl problems.  
  
  
At some point she even makes you forget your own name.  
  
  
*  
  
  
Will’s eldest daughter (he has three in total) gets accepted into a renowned medical school in the States after completing her undergrad.  
  
Of course her parents are proud, but Carmilla breaks out in tears, when Vivienne calls to give her the good news.  
  
  
Your niece tells the whole family some weeks after, while having dinner together in your house.  
  
  
It’s not really a surprise to any of you. Vivienne has always been interested in medicine.  
  
She even spent a summer in your town, when she was seventeen, and did a internship at Carmilla’s office.  
  
  
“I can’t wait for the day Cam gets into medschool.”, she tells you that day right before going to sleep.  
  
  
For the first time you really think about it. It's only a little more than a year, until he will leave home.  
  
  
You don’t want him to go away.  
  
  
*  
  
  
When he’s nervous, he starts pacing around.  
  
It can be funny to watch for a while, but again, he is _so_ much like Carmilla.  
  
In this case it’s when it comes to asking for help.  
  
Those two want to do everything on their own. It’s endearing in some parts, but annoying too, when you love a person like that.  
  
  
“What’s wrong?”, you send a smile towards him, and actually expect him to shrug it off and wait for Carmilla to come home, but he just stuffs his hands into his pockets, and stays silent while watching you correct your students’ assignments.  
  
You perceive the mood shift, and immediately lay down your pen, waiting for him to come to you. Because the crucial mistake is to pressure them.  
  
  
“Can I talk to you about something?”  
  
You have to blink. This sounds important.  
  
“Of course.”, you gesture him to sit down opposite to you, but he refuses. Typical.  
  
  
“So… I’m graduating from high school soon, right?”  
  
“Right…”  
  
“And how we’ve all been… you know… applying for school and stuff…?”  
  
“Yes.”  
  
You have absolutely no idea where this is going.  
  
“And you know how I’ve applied to Yale?”  
  
“Yeah?”  
  
  
He inhales deeply, “I got in.”  
  
  
It takes you some time to process, but when it clicks, you jump up and hug your kid, because this is one of those milestone moments, and he chose to tell you first (and even though it is no competition, you don’t feel like Carmilla and him are leaving you out for the first time).  
  
  
“That’s so, so great. You have no idea how proud I am! Gosh, we have to tell mom, when she comes home!”, you say as you’re still tightly in his embrace.  
  
“Yeah… And _that’s_ the thing… I didn’t apply for the Biology program, like mom wanted me to. I chose Literature.”  
  
  
That’s the moment you understand why he chose to tell you first.  
  
  
“You want to study Literature?”  
  
“I really love books. You guys know that.”, he shrugs, “Always have. And I love mom, I love the work she does, and I admire her, really… But I was never interested in being a doctor.”  
  
“Cam, you told her you’d consider this. Why didn’t you just tell her right away? It’s not the end of the world.”  
  
“Because I grew up seeing how proud she’s always been of Vivienne, and I didn’t want to disappoint her.”  
  
  
You make him look at you for this, when you grab his face with your hands, “How could you _ever_ be a disappointment? Do you know how much we both love you?”  
  
  
He nods slowly, “Soo… Will you be there when I tell her?”  
  
“Yes, of course.”  
  
This time he leans down to hug you, and you get hit by the thought of how your son got accepted into _Yale University - an IVY LEAGUE school_. Your grip around him tightens.  
  
  
“You’re _my favorite_ , you know that? You come right before mom.”, he whispers into your ear, and you think back to the conversation Carm and him had almost ten years ago, and about how despite of everything you’ve got one of those angels as a son who lets you believe you’re their favorite.  
  
“Yeah, yeah… You say that to Carmilla too.”  
  
He backs away and smiles toothily, “Only when she needs to hear it. To be honest, I love you both the same.”  
  
  
And you believe him.  
  
He truly is an angel.  
  
How did you get so lucky?  
  
  
*  
  
  
Carmilla is a bit disappointed, like you thought.  
  
At first you just guessed that she’s been picturing him following her footsteps, and that this feels like a setback to her.  
  
  
However, you actually find out that that’s not the reason at all.  
  
It’s truly comical, actually.  
  
  
“He got into freaking Yale university, you do know what that means, right?”, you ask her while brushing your teeth.  
  
“That he is a genius? Yeah well, he’s **my** son. _Of course_ he is smart!”  
  
You raise your eyebrows at her.  
  
“ **Our.** ”, she corrects, “ _Our son_. I mean with his choice of major he proves to be **your** son, really.”  
  
“You’re not gonna be hung up about this your whole life, are you? It’s his life. As much as you want him to be yours forever, and to be a copy of you, you can’t make him do things, just because you’re his mother… He feels bad enough on his own. And he shouldn’t at all.”  
  
  
“What? Does he think I’m mad about _that_?”  
  
“Well, why else would you act like this?”, you ask curiously.  
  
“It’s not about that at all! Hell, he got into Yale! He could be studying **goats** , and I would cheer him on...”, she groans, “It’s about the fact that he told _you_ , because he thought I’d be disappointed, and that he lied to me about being interested in medicine this whole time in the first place!”  
  
“Carmilla, you’ve been his go-to-person for all these years. Let me have this _one_ thing!”  
  
She gapes, shaking her head, and you get reminded of exactly why you’ve fallen so much in love with her, and everything makes sense. You start laughing, and she looks at you like you’ve gone mad.  
  
  
“You’re such a child, I love it.”, you tell her, and she pouts.  
  
  
Her.  
  
**You love her**.  
  
You do. So much.  
  
  
*  
  
  
Carmilla makes that whole fuss up to Cameron, when she buys him his first car disguised as a graduation present -five months _before_ graduation.  
  
  
He flips out and asks if it is real, when Carmilla tells him, and she tosses him over a set of keys, “Go on, take a spin, but be home for dinner.”  
  
  
  
“Expensive graduation gift, Carm.”  
  
“Hey, you also said it was a good idea. He’ll move out soon, that way it will be easier for him. Maybe New Haven happens to have the worst possible transport system, who knows?”  
  
“I don’t recall telling you to get him a brand new car though.”  
  
“There was a good deal on that model…”, she lies poorly.  
  
  
“You spoil him too much.”, you tell her, “He’s one lucky guy.”  
  
“The only guy I’ll ever love.”, you both watch Cameron smile radiantly, as he gets into his new vehicle, “No wonder I love him so much, look at that smile... When I look at him, all I see is you.”  
  
“Funny of you to say that.”, you chuckle, as you watch your son drive away, “Because when I look at him, all _I_ ever see is **you**.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AAAAND THAT IS A WRAP! (sorry for the caps, I'm a bit caffeinated and/or drunk.)  
> No but jokes aside, you guys were so nice always!  
> Thanks for waiting, thanks for reading, thanks for all your kind words!  
> I truly appreciate it a lot! It was a pleasure! We will see if I write anything else, but until then...
> 
> I'M GOING TO SLEEP NOW. OKAY, BYE!

**Author's Note:**

> Prompts and hate message/praising over here ;) : [angstfreehuman](http://angstfreehuman.tumblr.com/)  
> English is not my first, nor second language, and almost none of my works are proofread.


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